First that sounds way more enthusiastic than I feel right now. Yes I did set my alarm for 5 .. I should have stuck with the 5:30 plan because I dreamt through that alarm until 6. Which was 5 yesterday so I guess that isn't soooo bad. It was one of those nights that was filled with weird dreams that I now can't remember. Although I do remember the one from Friday night, where my dad single-handedly took his French door fridge out of his house and brought it to my house and swapped it, because his ice maker would not work and I wasn't looking at it fast enough for him. It was a guilt dream because his ice maker would not work and I had not looked at it yet. LOL.
I wanted to talk to you guys today about something, who I am talking to when I write these posts and blogs. It really is very simple, I am talking to my friends. You.. you there reading it... I am talking to you. I know many of you wonder how in the world I can post my deepest darkest (crazy to think I have held a bit of that back still) truest moments out here for all of the world to see, (Hi Mom.) so I am going to try to make it understandable.
If you stood me up in a room of 1,068 people and said, Re, talk to us about what is going on, tell us what you feel, what has life been like, you would get a deer in headlights (please take the time to look at the deer pic if you are Facebook reading, because it is completely accurate)
I remember, I guess what is close to 2 years ago now, that one of my most dear friends knew I was in a deep dark place and said "Lets talk about it over coffee tomorrow". We had coffee, a few words were spoken but it was more on the terms of, "It's ok, I will be fine, this is hard, but I will get through it" I also remember getting in the Jeep thinking "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.. YOU ARE NOT OK! These are your friends, they want to help you, they literally asked you here so they could HELP YOU!" So you see, even in a small setting, the words get stuck in my throat and just won't come out. It is likely a defense mechanism, if I can't see your look of disappointment, confusion, or all around disgust at not being able to understand what the heck I am talking about or feeling, then that is not an added pain to the already wicked rawness of what I feel on a daily.
Writing this, here today to you, it is like writing a letter to a friend. Like the titles should always be Dear You. I don't always get feedback or replies, but many times I do, my wish is that one day it will start an open dialogue, especially with those closest to me. That one day I will be able to say, "Hey .. that blog post.. can we talk about it?" or even the opposite they ask me and I have the ability to use my voice. As it stands we are all a bunch of closed lip ninnies who dance around the elephant in the room. The elephant has many names, my self destruction, my mental illness, my weight but dancing we keep right on doing, even though I am over here JUMPING UP AND DOWN through my posts screaming THERE IS A F'ING ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM!!!! It's like one of those dreams you have when you know something really bad is about to happen and you are running around trying to warn everyone but you are invisible so they can't see you. Am I the only one that has that dream all the time? Don't get this twisted, if a group of you came at me and said.. "Hey do you know you have an elephant in your room?" I would likely respond with "What elephant?" I am as much to blame here. It's that voice thing... it is scary.. it is that visual thing.. I just can't take it.
I know at least one of you is wondering why in the world I don't just write a journal, keep it private, get the words out but keep them to yourself. Well, who would that help? It wouldn't help me, and it certainly would not help anyone else that is potentially dealing with their weight, how they feel, etc. To me, and I have said it before, if my words and writing can help one person, not feel alone, or understand someone they love a little better, or hell even understand me a little better, my open book style is worth every "Did she really just post that?"
So there you have it, why I drop it all on the keyboard, it is just me talking to you over coffee, because this is my voice. This is me, just talking to you in the only way I know how.
Signing off today with this, are you holding your feelings back, is there a way you can get them off of your chest that you have not tried? And if you feel like you just have no one that would understand... see that little messenger box up there... here I am!
Peace, Love and Light