Ya'll this brain... aren't you glad you get a glimpse into the insanity?
Yesterday I wasn't feeling all that great by noon, headache, teeth hurt (yes I know that sounds odd but that is something that happens when I don't feel well, it is not a tooth ache like I need to go to the dentist my teeth all just hurt, think of a headache but in your face), just all around blah so I bagged the walk and just spent some time reading my new book one of my heart lights surprised me with. In case you don't know what a heart light is, it is a dearly loved person who brings happiness to your heart. In case you are wondering why you have never heard of that before.. I think I made it up. I will say this.. if all my heart lights flipped on at once the entire world would be blinded. I do love you all so much.
Anyhoooo back to the feeling meh, it is all likely due to cutting out the carbs, or coffee creamer withdrawals, is there a rehab for coffee creamer? I know you guys are sick of hearing about coffee creamer but I just have to share again about it. Yesterday I am sitting here and I am feeling the faceache (maybe that is what we should call it) and the headache and the meh and I would have chewed my arm off for a cup of coffee creamer, I mean do not even bother putting in the coffee just heat up the creamer and let me main line it. I sat here with the feeling for a bit and tried to just figure it out, why all of a sudden was I dying for coffee creamer... because I didn't feel good that is why.
It is that brain malfunction again, you feel like crap... that smooth sweetness will make you feel better. Ohhh ut oh... you are feeling some grief... that bottle of wine will make it go way. OH NO!! Horrible day at work left you full of stress and anxiety?? Order a whole pizza, eat it all that will fix it. Brother and his friends called you a warthog.. go eat all the debbie cakes that will easy that hurt, this also means that they wouldn't have any to eat so it was a win win in my 10 year old book. As long as I can remember, even back to childhood I have fed my emotions and feelings. It was the only thing that felt comforting to me.
I am sitting here with tears just streaming down my face, because the very last time I felt comforted by anything other than food, or booze, or cigarettes, or coffee creamer was standing in the park in ride on 14. When my daddy got there, and he just stood there and held me and said "It's ok sugar.. it's ok" and for those one or two moments.. I believed him. I can still hear him saying those words but it was never ok again, and I have never felt ok again. Ed asks me all the time, "How can I help you? What do you need?" The truth is.. I don't know. I don't even know why in that moment on that horrible day that particular hug those particular words felt different, even if for seconds.
For the record, I didn't drink the coffee creamer and the faceache eventually eased off. I still don't know how you can help me, but I am trying to help myself.. I think.
I was being silly yesterday and sent my seeeeeesssstterrrr a text :
March 2020 Re: Let's give up all that we have worked for, our home, our health, our beloved job and try to drink ourselves to death and go out with a bang end of February 2021
March 2021 Re: Shit still here. Let's give up all of our vices and throw working out just for a side dish of fun all within 2 weeks and see if you can survive that!
It is clear obvious that I don't like myself very much.
But here I am.. navigating a world that I have been building with garbage for 50 years, looking for the hidden tapes. My very own Palace of Depression.. If you get the reference you are as old as I am and we should be besties, because I can only think of ONE PERSON who may get it.
I don't think finding the core of myself is impossible, in fact I know that it is possible. I know that I am strong enough to do it, it is just going to be a bumpy ride, because to get to that good, to get to that place of comfort within myself, I am going to have to pick through a lot of garbage. I am going to have to let go of a lot of hurt, a lot of anger, and yes even some hate. I am going to have to let go of pseudo comforts. I am going to have to find new ways, because if I don't I am just going to live the rest of my life not ok, and that.. is not ok.
So what can you do.. be patient... be kind... be a friend... and above all don't leave me when I mention coffee creamer.
Today I am going to sign on with this... take some time today and think about your heart lights, put out some good juju into the universe for them, or even take a minute and be a heart light to someone else.
Peace, Love and Light