I should also be telling that to myself, you will see why in a moment.
Yesterday was a lot of things, measure, weight, and that first outside run. We are going to talk about that run first. I said I was going to do a quarter mile, I did a half a mile, I WANTED to keep going then because I thought.. "How puny is that!" but I turned around. Yes I had to stop, even in a half a mile! When I got back to the jeep, I was so mad at myself. Again. Like seriously Re.. 14:12 pace.. what is that??? It is the beginning that is what it is! Leave yourself alone you are doing this, that is what matters. I went back again and looked through all of my years of Garmin data and you know what I found.. a solid year into training, because as the pic states it was my anniversary and it was a run, my pace was only 2 minutes better that what it was yesterday. You know my best pace ever in a race was only about 3 minutes off of that time, and I had been training and running a year. After that first year, in the after, I "trained" just like I did everything else, I had no heart in it. I feel like I am circling back around, to things I have already talked about in the last month but I need to, I need to work through this and really break the chains of that feeling and attitude. I have been training on the treadmill for a few weeks now and the marked improvement on that is incredible, but to me, it is just so much easier to run on a treadmill, it is time to bring it to the dirt, even if that is only a half a mile a day this week.
The wonderful thing about that half a mile is that when i woke up this morning my shins were not crying; My calves didn't feel like they were sliced with razor blades; My feet didn't feel like I should chop them off; and the best.. my ankles did not feel like Misery had gone to them with a mallet! Which MEANS I can absolutely do another half mile today! I have this habit of going and deciding, "Hey you have sat on your ass for a year, lets go run 5 miles" As you may have noticed I use the term run loosely.. if I run a 1/4 of the distance it's a run lol! Then the next two weeks I can't move. It is a stupid pattern that I have ever intention of breaking! I have a plan, it is in my head, I am not writing it down, because it is a loose plan that may need adjusting, but lets just say that this week it includes half a miles, next week a little longer, and so on until I get to a mile, then I am going to crush the heck out of the mile, then add on. What does that do to my 5k next weekend. I don't know. I am thinking about it, I will decide by this weekend. PS I can totally finish a 5 k there would just be more walking than running :) Either way here I am telling myself that yesterday's run was perfectly fine. A fine start indeed.
We already talked about measuring yesterday so we are skipping on to the weight thing. I friggin hate the weight thing, so we need to talk about it and we need to keep talking about it before I dive nose first into a vat of cheese dip. I don't have a scale here in Mathews, so I have been weighing at the Y. The first weigh in day, I bet I had not even finished a bottle of water that day, I mentally knew I had to get on the scale so nope, no water for this girl, same with last week, only a few bottles water before hand, this week I finished off a gallon of water before I ever got there, like that was a bright idea. There are a few issues with my weigh ins, the main issue is my first weigh in I did in the morning, on a Saturday, the next weigh in was the day I started Keto and the scale was up from that Saturday morning a week prior and I refused to accept that number so I didn't use it as my start weight. Who does that? It was only a few pounds but I be damned if I was starting anywhere that the ticker on the scale was over on the side closer to 300 than on the side closer to 200. Stupidity.. but it is what I did. Who lies to their self about the amount of weight they have lost, because they could not face the start weight. Anyway I did, and I am, because I am not going back to use that true start weight now. So what happened yesterday? I got on the scale at 5 pm after drinking a gallon of water before I got there and I was pissed off that the scale was down only one pound. Lets talk about that for a second, I had just gotten back from a homecation, I had sat in the car for 4 hours the day before, I had sat at my desk all day, my rings felt like they were way too tight, I drank a gallon of water, I got on a scale and I was pissed it was down a pound? How the hell was it not up 5?? I play these horrible tricks and games with myself. I am literally a bully, to myself.
So I came up with a game plan, I went on a hunt for scale, I couldn't find one so I borrowed my dads, I got on it to make sure that it was measuring the same as the one I had just been on and right to the ounce dead on, so I knew I had a winner. So this morning I weighed again, you know what I am really down this week? 4 lbs. 4 friggin pounds! That is a total of 10lbs since starting Keto 2 weeks ago, (cause we aren't counting the ones over the ticker mark) that puts me below my highest weight last summer!!! 10 pounds Ya'll!
I hate that I self sabotage, and that is literally what I am doing. I have just flat out hated myself for so long, that it is hard to stop that habit. It is hard to not look at myself as a loser, as a failure, as someone who no matter what they do they are going to screw it up, so why are you out here trying. I know I am going to have to do the work to forgive myself, and I am going to have to face all of the issues with the regret, the guilt, the failure. Its going to be hard, because in the deepest part of my being, I still hear "you were shit mom, if you hadn't been... " Right now, for today, right this minute, I am just grateful that I saw the self sabotage as it was happening, instead of throwing in the towel because my brain was telling me that I was a loser.
I did cheat on Keto last night though, after getting home I said screw it, it was only a pound down and I ate the hugest plate of fried dough you ever did see with King Po-T-Rik syrup! Anyone who knows what Kind Po-T-Rik is knows that it doesn't exist anymore.. but many did that taste good in my dream last night! I literally dreamt that!
One last little thing today, just a reminder to myself why I am doing this, the dresses.. I want to wear those. I want to put those on and not feel like I have on a circus tent. I want to wear those. I want to work hard enough that I can buy something and not worry about, will this cover the Falak! It is vain and it is selfish, but it is completely and totally what I want.
Signing off today with this, do you self sabotage? Do you see it when you are or much later? Are there ways to help identify when you are doing it?
Peace, Love and Light,