I feel like I am in one of those Lion King Meme's you know the one.. I posted it up there.. (Sorry Chesapeake) the shadowy place has been the after, and I went there, and got stuck there. I know that there has to be a balance for me, that the sun can shine in the after too, but when that darkness is staring you right in the face and looming over you, it is frightening. For years the spring and summer meant the "season" has started and I spent more time working than not. Last year it was filled with medical emergency's, taking care of others, driving back and forth for awhile, every spring, even as the anniversary loomed, I could hold it back just a little with the chaos of my life. This year is different, dad is better, but I am not ready to leave him for all that long, which means no season, and hopefully no medical emergencies, and all that means... no chaos.
I spoke yesterday about how busy I am, but busy is not the same. The busy I am right now, leaves so much brain time that I am just not used to. Typically the days leading up to anniversary are much worse than the actual day itself, I know I know, that proves that it is just fear and not a true threat, but that day... shattered.... everything. And April is as foggy as it is this morning, filled with memories and regrets and grief and guilt all of these emotions that have no place to go, and this year, nothing to hide them in. No chaos, no vodka, no insane amounts of food, just to name a few of the craptastic ways I tried to with stand the emotional tornado.
I have absolutely got to come up with a better game plan in the next 5 days. The end of winter is here, spring is coming, and it doesn't look like any of the springs that have ever happened in the after before, and I literally do not know what to do with it. Maybe that means it truly is time to just work on me. That this year is supposed to be about digging out of that hole, fixing all of the pieces of my heart, and finding a way to let the sunshine back in. Right now, this morning, it just feels so much bigger than I am.
I really wish I were writing this today with this wonderful list of how I plan on getting through this without the rocks being kicked out from under me, but I don't. All I have is a plan to stay the course, and I don't know if that is enough. For now, right this second, it is going to have to be.
Signing off today with this, when you are faced with something that seems daunting and huge what methods do you use to just get through to the other side?
Peace Love and Light,