This weekend was beautiful and wonderful... I had no solid plans, it was a do whatever whenever weekend with the exception of finishing up some work Friday morning. I spent time with my Mom, my Dad, Ed, Drake and Mariah... I stayed close to the house except for when out on the boat, I learned to paddle board.
I mean I really learned which means I don't fall off every 2 minutes, I stay on as long as I want to stay on and hop off when I am ready. I paddled with dolphin, was in clear enough water to see sting ray, crabs, and fish. I padded from the Horn Harbor 8 Channel marker all the way into Sand Bank and talked to my dad.. yes paddled all the way in and stood on the beach and spoke to him. I then turned around and paddled all the way back out to the boat, not sitting down, or falling once, standing the whole time. My fear of falling left me, I believe after the second time of falling and completely smashing my left boob, by the way if you want a cheap boob job smash them on a SUP a couple of times, you will be amazed at the size difference, I would offer a suggestion of banging them both not just one as my bathing suit didn't quite work right the next day. (PS Ed... he hopped on the thing and took off like he was walking on water.. which was crazy! He had to wait for hours to see me stand up on it.. I had to wait for days to finally see him fall off! Talk about a natural! We have decided that it would be fun to have a kayak paddle on the days that it is just a bit too rough to stand up you can still go out and enjoy the board.. I think that will be the next purchase to have with us, and trust me I would feel LOTS BETTER on my butt on the thing in the creek.. sorry creek mud FREAKS ME OUT!!!!)
I saw my Stephie for a few minutes Saturday morning as we grabbed a quick breakfast to head out on the boat as the weather was to turn bad Saturday afternoon by 1, I think we left at 330 and if we had taken food I doubt we would have left then, it was a beautiful calm day it was just Ed and I. He clammed I paddled, Just the perfect relaxing day... After getting in Mariah and I went to see De and Mariah had her a beautiful blue butterfly, and I wanted to wish Memo a happy birthday while we were there. Shortly after getting back to the house I completely CRASHED... I was exhausted, I feel bad because we were semi making plans with friends and I screwed those all up and Daddy was waiting on dinner with us because I hadn't been able to get in touch with him... (note to self: when half asleep.. say so.. dont' try to make plans it doesn't work out well because then you COMPLETELY crash) When I finally woke up, I realized how much sun I had .. oppsie. Guess that nap I took on the board wasn't the best idea in the world, having a guy that comes up with amazing idea's like an anchor and a buoy for your board so you can just float is amazing though I must say.. not sure what exactly I would do without him.
One of the most precious moments of both days paddling I found feathers, one brown and white and one the most silvery brownish tan you ever did see. They say that the feathers from our angels in heaven are supposed to pure white, they are a group of they's that don't always agree with the other they's so I am not too concerned about it. But as I sat on the deck pondering why my feathers weren't pure white and was I reading too much into it them, was I searching for signs of De that weren't really there.. I heard in my head... "they are brown... like me!"
I ask no one to please take offense to the following story I am about to relay as it involves an old dude and a 3 year old little girl who didn't understand, a very open minded black lady and a 25 year old me, who was probably hung over. My Daddy, instead of buying the kids Christmas presents when they were little, and getting them things they didn't want or need, would take them the day after Christmas (yes he would fight that mess) shopping, we made a big deal out of it would all go as a family and just have fun. The one Christmas when Deanna was almost 3, she comes up to my Daddy with a baby doll, the box was about as big as she was, she was such a tiny little bird. "I got mine" She exclaimed, Daddy replied "All right Sis! Let's see what you got".. De fumbles with the big box and finally gets it turned around so Daddy can see and low and behold there stands De with a little black baby doll.... the confusion on my Daddy's face was priceless, him saying "oh Sis.. you got the wrong baby, that one is the wrong color" and De FIRMLY saying.. "No.. this one is BROWN LIKE ME!" (De had beautifully tan dark skin) it was all just too much for the black lady witnessing this.. and well me too... she started giggling.. I started giggling and Daddy is trying to convince a very stubborn almost 3 year old that the baby she is holding isn't brown like her it is a different brown... Not to De it wasn't! So the other night as I was pondering the colors of the feathers I found and a tad upset they weren't the "pure white" that others have claimed are the ones from angels.. I heard in my head just as if she was saying it.... "Mommy... they are brown.. like me." I am confident that De sent the feathers... they were signs from her saying "Mom.. you were right the paddle board IS where you will feel peace, is where you will talk to me when you get the hang of it, is where you will swim with the dolphins and smile..." Her messages to me are all around I see them sometimes.. sometimes I don't but I know they are there.
Yesterday morning I awoke to the sad news of a dear friends passing, he was ill and would not have gotten any better than he was at the time of his death, but it is still an emotional thing, as you always hold on to hope they would find a cure, a medicine, anything to return him to the former strong healthy man he was. I thought about it awhile and thought about him walking up to De saying.. "Hey.. I know your mom and grandaddy." Those are the strange things that give me comfort about her not being here with me, the people that she is there with. On Saturday it was my Memo's birthday and Aunt Ann and I discussed what a wonderful feast they must be having in celebration, that made me feel better, that I knew De would be with Memo who I still hear in my head as if she is truly saying it.. "Oh look here she comes!" I have head this since April 20th.... that has to mean something. While I don't want anyone to die.... the people that have gone on before De... they make me comfortable, knowing that she is being taken care of, that she isn't lonely or wishing she were here with us.
As you can see from my post.. I had beautiful, relaxing weekend, filled with happy moments, and a few sad spots, but mostly peaceful. I made the drive home without incident, and unpacked and sat down to relax... that is when the feelings of guilt and sadness and unease hit. How could I have had a "good" weekend, how could I have been at peace, how could I have been proud of myself for learning something new, how could I have allowed myself to learn something that De will never get a chance to, to do things that she will never be able to do again? Maybe that is why I am having a hard time going out with my friends like I used to, maybe that is why bootcamp is just so hard to get to, maybe that is why running means nothing to me now when it used to make me so proud to finish, maybe that is why the happy moments turn to sadness, regret, guilt, and shame. How dare I go on, when my child cant, when my child will never complete these things or do these things, or conquer another bootcamp or 5k. How can I do these and possibly be ok with it?!!? I had THREE ok days in a row.. THREE.. how dare I! What is wrong with me.. I just lost my child, my baby.. and I had three ok days in a row. I didn't break down in a sobbing mess when I found the feather.. I didn't cry yourself to sleep after a good day... I woke up and was ready to tackle the board again and were actually EXCITED to spend the day on the water and with Ed.. WTHeck is WRONG WITH ME!
That is me.. in my brain.. that is how I feel when I enjoy myself.. that is how I feel after a job well done at bootcamp.. or a run.. or a paddle board.. or a nice meal! Ten thousand people can say, it is ok to be happy, it is OK to enjoy yourself, she would want that.. the words don't stop my heart from being crushed on every mile stone that they will never reach, the babies they will never have, the wedding we won't plan, the miles they won't run, the dates, the jobs, the ... everything. Every little thing I do new, or accomplish comes right back as a huge kick in the gut of all the things that my sweet babies won't be doing... Lil Dustin included.. How can this world just be so cruel.. how can I enjoy these things? How will I ever be able to be at peace enough to lay down at night and just go to sleep without a TV or something playing... just so my brain does not replay the video of the accident again and again trying to comprehend what exactly happened.
As of yet I haven't found a way to fix this.. or remedy it, maybe the remedy is to just keep going.. and maybe next time it will be four "ok" days in a row.. then 5.. 6... maybe that is the key.. I don't know. People ask me all the time how I am... I still say the same thing.. standing, because there is no other answer.. I am not ok.. I am not no ok.. I just am.
In closing today.. I remind you that time is not promised, if there is something you want to do, need to say, do it.. TODAY.
Much love to you all,