Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, that they would be in a pile, in the bed, in the nut house, trust me, I am not far from it. I function that is it, and some times I don't do that well. Three times now I have stood in the bathroom staring at the faucet quizzically as to why the water is still running, AFTER I turned OFF the LIGHT SWITCH. Three times. There is seriously something not quite right here.
Some days, I am starving, others days food is the last thing I want to see. I have watched so many episodes of Hell's Kitchen with Amanda in the last month that if you did make me food you may get a response of something like "You can't even cook a decent risotto you stupid doughnut!" (actual line.. seriously.. he called a dude a stupid doughnut and not that anyone would be cooking me risotto except Amanda and hers was perfect) Point is I LOVE food.. hello look at me I didn't get this size because I was fond of lettuce and celery. So it is just one more thing that makes me feel like, not me.
One of the things that I decided to do was purchase a SUP (Stand up paddle board) it wasn't a decision I made on a whim, or lightly, as they are not exactly cheap. It was something that I have been looking at for well over a year now and I thought the silent solitude of the ocean or bay or ditch would give me time with out the buzz of society in my head and I would feel closer to De. (yes I seriously had that thought as I was watching people on them two weeks ago... a thought bubble popped above my head that said "THAT is where you will feel closer!" When I was picking out my board, I purchased one that Drake and I could both use, or anyone else really that visits this summer (not that I am ever actually here on the weekends, but I can take it to Mathews with me and I happen to know a dock I can hop right off of... please lord don't let me fall in that mud). I picked up my beautiful new board, I have named her Sunshine, she is bright and yellow and I promptly walked her to my sisters house and left. That exhausted... anyone that knows me knows I would have marched that board right down to the ocean in 10 foot waves and tried it. I knew I was too tired, too tired to fight to stand up on the ground much less a board on the water. Again yesterday I said I was going to go, I was going to give it a try, work ended and I sat down on the sofa and promptly went to sleep. NOT ME. Not strong.. weak. Fearful of not making a connection, fearful of being too tired to get the board to the beach, fearful of failing.
I haven't been running, just a tiny bit here and there, yes I have a blister on my foot right now, but it is bootcampable, the only person I am failing is myself, no one else is going to force me to get out there and do it, it doesn't matter if I show or not, the work out goes on. I am the only one that I am cheating, but at 6:20 when my clock goes off I am DRAGGING myself out of bed just to get Drake to school at 7 for football practice, I don't know how to get up at 4:30 and even function. Again, not strong, not me. The day that my daughter died, part of me died, the strong part, the unbeatable part. I wish there was some kind of magic pill, or magic words, or magic wand that would just give me my life back, but without bringing her back my life with never ever be the same and I have yet to manage to find a new normal.
I haven't done simple things that should have been done, thank you notes, I start, I cry. What do you say.. how do you write thank you for the flower without wishing you didn't have a reason FOR the flowers. I lash out over semantics of communication in email or voice, some things require a phone call.. others the only way I can discuss it is via email. I am all over the board and it is hard to tell what you might get when you contact me. I get upset when I do reach out and get no response, and sometimes there is too much coming in.
In case you are wondering what this post is about... I don't know I couldn't tell you.. it is just words in my head that need to come out. I feel like a failure, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter, as a runner, as a bootcamper, as a girlfriend, and as a human, so many people have said I shouldn't feel that way, that I did the best I could, that I am being to hard on myself. Funny little tidbit one of the people that repeatedly has told me that I am being too hard on myself was one of the biggest contributors to my feelings of inadequacy about myself and even now continues. I can't understand why I am still here and my beautiful daughter isn't. I can't MAKE myself understand that until I met her in heaven I will never hear her laugh or her voice. If I was such a crappy mom and person why was I left here, why was she taken???
I am going to end this post now because it is just getting more and more rambly and doesn't mean much of anything other than a complete brain dump of thoughts that are floating around in my head unconnected.
Live some today, do something silly, do it for De.