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Exhaustion... Frustration... Confusion...

6/12/2013

7 Comments

 
Picture
I will admit this is exactly what I have looked like a LOT of the hours this week that I have not been working. Just dozing, laying on the sofa with no will to even really sit up. (Even when I did sit up I feel asleep anyway, ask Amanda she caught me). I just don't know if it is actual exhaustion or depression or both!

Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, that they would be in a pile, in the bed, in the nut house, trust me, I am not far from it. I function that is it, and some times I don't do that well. Three times now I have stood in the bathroom staring at the faucet quizzically as to why the water is still running, AFTER I turned OFF the LIGHT SWITCH. Three times. There is seriously something not quite right here.

Some days, I am starving, others days food is the last thing I want to see. I have watched so many episodes of Hell's Kitchen with Amanda in the last month that if you did make me food you may get a response of something like "You can't even cook a decent risotto you stupid doughnut!" (actual line.. seriously.. he called a dude a stupid doughnut and not that anyone would be cooking me risotto except Amanda and hers was perfect) Point is I LOVE food.. hello look at me I didn't get this size because I was fond of lettuce and celery. So it is just one more thing that makes me feel like, not me.

One of the things that I decided to do was purchase a SUP (Stand up paddle board) it wasn't a decision I made on a whim, or lightly, as they are not exactly cheap. It was something that I have been looking at for well over a year now and I thought the silent solitude of the ocean or bay or ditch would give me time with out the buzz of society in my head and I would feel closer to De. (yes I seriously had that thought as I was watching people on them two weeks ago... a thought bubble popped above my head that said "THAT is where you will feel closer!"  When I was picking out my board, I purchased one that Drake and I could both use, or anyone else really that visits this summer (not that I am ever actually here on the weekends, but I can take it to Mathews with me and I happen to know a dock I can hop right off of... please lord don't let me fall in that mud). I picked up my beautiful new board, I have named her Sunshine, she is bright and yellow and I promptly walked her to my sisters house and left. That exhausted... anyone that knows me knows I would have marched that board right down to the ocean in 10 foot waves and tried it. I knew I was too tired, too tired to fight to stand up on the ground much less a board on the water. Again yesterday I said I was going to go, I was going to give it a try, work ended and I sat down on the sofa and promptly went to sleep. NOT ME. Not strong.. weak. Fearful of not making a connection, fearful of being too tired to get the board to the beach, fearful of failing.

I haven't been running, just a tiny bit here and there, yes I have a blister on my foot right now, but it is bootcampable, the only person I am failing is myself, no one else is going to force me to get out there and do it, it doesn't matter if I show or not, the work out goes on. I am the only one that I am cheating, but at 6:20 when my clock goes off I am DRAGGING myself out of bed just to get Drake to school at 7 for football practice, I don't know how to get up at 4:30 and even function. Again, not strong, not me. The day that my daughter died, part of me died, the strong part, the unbeatable part. I wish there was some kind of magic pill, or magic words, or magic wand that would just give me my life back, but without bringing her back my life with never ever be the same and I have yet to manage to find a new normal.

I haven't done simple things that should have been done, thank you notes, I start, I cry. What do you say.. how do you write thank you for the flower without wishing you didn't have a reason FOR the flowers. I lash out over semantics of communication in email or voice, some things require a phone call.. others the only way I can discuss it is via email. I am all over the board and it is hard to tell what you might get when you contact me. I get upset when I do reach out and get no response, and sometimes there is too much coming in.

In case you are wondering what this post is about... I don't know I couldn't tell you.. it is just words in my head that need to come out. I feel like a failure, as a mother, as a friend, as a daughter, as a runner, as a bootcamper, as a girlfriend, and as a human, so many people have said I shouldn't feel that way, that I did the best I could, that I am being to hard on myself. Funny little tidbit one of the people that repeatedly has told me that I am being too hard on myself was one of the biggest contributors to my feelings of inadequacy about myself and even now continues.  I can't understand why I am still here and my beautiful daughter isn't. I can't MAKE myself understand that until I met her in heaven I will never hear her laugh or her voice. If I was such a crappy mom and person why was I left here, why was she taken???

I am going to end this post now because it is just getting more and more rambly and doesn't mean much of anything other than a complete brain dump of thoughts that are floating around in my head unconnected.

Live some today, do something silly, do it for De.
Much Love
De's Mommy



7 Comments
Lori
6/11/2013 11:10:35 pm

Re, I don't know what to say to this, it isn't just heart breaking, but heart wrenching. You have put into eloquent words what so many parents must feel when losing their child. I hope starting Deanna's Hug project gives you some comfort and focus. <3

Reply
Robin Southall
6/11/2013 11:13:16 pm

Your grief may be normal, and your strength to breathe every day may be seen as strong. But it is unique to you. No one else knows what YOU feel. I acknowledge your grief and wish I had that magic pill. But since I don't I will continue to read your blog, pray for you daily, honor your De's memory and share in your grief in whatever small way I can.

Reply
Kim
6/11/2013 11:27:12 pm

Keep writing. Doesn't matter if it makes sense to you. This is your heart you are sharing & we love you. It makes sense to me.

Reply
AUNT ANN
6/11/2013 11:32:32 pm

AMEN!To Robin's comments and if you could hear Deanna's voice she would tell you the same as you have just told us.She would say,"Mama live some today,do something silly".Re do it for yourself and De.I'm here for you and LOVE you.

Reply
Cindy Kellar
6/12/2013 12:02:11 am

Thinking of you - if you ever just want to talk, I am here. Just a little advice - stop trying to dwell on all of the "what ifs"... I did it too and it is a natural thing to do I think. But it doesn't change the fact that what has happened has happened, You have others that depend on you and maybe you will feel the need to do things a little differently, or maybe not. Don't let negative people and/or comments get you down, It will drive you to a place you don't want to be. The three emotions you describe - exhaustion, frustration, confusion, all completely normal. With time it WILL get better. It has been 10 years since I lost my son - do I still have those days? You betcha. I don't think they will ever go away - Is it easier for me to handle? Yes. So think of brighter days - fond memories, and the things you know you did right, verses what you could have done differently. It will make the heartache easier to bare. Keeping you in my prayers :)

Reply
Renee
6/12/2013 01:49:08 am

Re, you are being too hard on yourself and do need the rest and time to grieve. Cindy is right you can't dwell on the "what if"s" as you can't change what has happened but you are changing those thru your blog and project, which De would be so proud of. Never doubt the love between the two of you that is still there and always will be. She would want you to continue on and be there for Drake & Dustin and smile & hug! No its not going to happen I wouldn't think right away, so give yourself a break and take one step at a time. I don't know what your going thru - but I do know you are loved and you have the biggest heart in the world and its broken - so take it easy on yourself, but Praise God you are getting the words out which I think is the best medicine in the world to help you! Love you and in Prayers!

Reply
Rosetta
6/12/2013 01:54:02 am

Love you Re and I am so, so sorry! I wish there was more that I could do! Love you very much and I will continue to read your blogs and pray for you!

Reply



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