This is the end
This is the end
My only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again
~ The Doors
While I believe I WILL see her again it won't be here, not on this earth, not in this hell. It will be somewhere beautiful and peaceful and happy. This place I live in now is none of those things. While I can be content with breathing, I can't be truly happy, while I can be quiet, I can't be completely peaceful, and don't even get me started on the beauty of this place... have you turned on the news lately, talk about UGLY.
While talking with some friends last night, a question was asked, kind of out of humor, kind of out of seriousness, the question "Have you ever felt suicidal?" (the point was that we have all not wanted to be here at some point in our life) my response was an honest one. "Well not in the last 5 minutes." Personally who would want t live in this hell?? Really? People talk about the beautiful paradise that Deanna and Dustin are in, while I am stuck here struggling trying to figure out why plans are canceled, how I am going to pay the rent, how I am going to get out of bed and act like there is nothing wrong. No.. I don't want to be here. I want to be in paradise too! But for some reason I am still here... I don't know what my purpose is or how I am going to get through the rest of my days when there truly is no more Deanna. Graduation was the end. No more planned events, no more milestones, I am hung up on this I realize and I apologize.
Before you all go running off calling people and 911, and the dudes in white coats, I am not doing anything stupid I am just writing about my feelings so take a chill pill. I have something keeping me here, this horrible feeling I deal with daily, this gut wrenching, heart breaking, body pounding feeling, keeps me here. There is no way I would ever want my parents to feel THIS. It pains me that so many people I know feel THIS... this end. I truly have no idea how I am going to make it through this hell until it is time for my end... but I am trying. I just put one foot in front of the other, and pray that I don't fall down on the next step.
Let me talk a little bit about graduation, I attended with my Daddy, I cried through about the whole thing, I clapped at times, I was very proud of Mariah, Shanen, and Scott as they walked across the stage, thrilled when I saw Mariah realize that she received the scholarship in Deanna's memory, but I was completely over come with emotion as when they called Deanna's name, after a split second of silence there was applause, and then the entire audience was standing, applauding my angel for her short life, and her classmates for having the courage and love to include her in the ceremony. It was a very emotional moment and while I could not make myself stand the feeling of love was overwhelming, and then just a few short seconds later to have the whole process repeated for Scott. I appreciate how this was handled, it was much better than a moment of silence, it was a truly testimony to two great kids who left us way too soon.
I wish I could come up with some way to ... feel better... to make sense of this... to make it real so I can start healing. I am not in denial, I KNOW the truth... I am refusing to live in the reality of now, the reality of in just a few short days my beautiful girl will have been gone for 2 months. I still packed away my winter clothes and hung the ones of hers that I have, and made room for the others that I have not gotten yet. I made her bed and hung her robe on the bed post and put her Eeyore slippers by the side, I put her favorite books on a shelf, as if when she gets bored she is going to grab one. I am having her missing classring replaced as if she will ever where it. Some days I think I have gone crazy and just waiting on her to physically walk through the door and it all be ok, other days I KNOW I have gone crazy and just completely know she is in Mathews, that she just isn't here in the house, that she is out doing something, eating at Chic fil a or getting her nails done.
All I can ask is that everyone be patient, because I AM sad, there is not just stopping it, there is no just "getting over it" I can't help that it isn't doing anyone any good with my sadness, I can't help that me being sad wont' change anything, I realize that, but being happy and faking joy isn't really doing anyone any good either at the moment.
So I am going to close today, in a bit of sadness, as I missed Deanna coming through the door at 7:15 am as she got off work, talking about the idiot tourist that came in drunk, or the kids she worked with that knew zero English and how they had to communicate. I missed the "I am going to bed now Mommy I love you" I miss Banx laying at her closed door knowing she is in there snuggling with the cat and jealous as all get out. So today... I ask you... tell someone you love them, even if you are scared, even if you never have before, even if they are left speechless, if you love them tell them, you don't know when you might the one missing something as simple as a pair of work shoes left in front of the door.
"I love you my sweet angels... and my love flies to you on the wings of angels... hold each other close."