Yes I promise I am going somewhere with all this hug talk. Today was National Running Day, for all you non runners out there, Drake, myself and what felt like about 23498237493843 other people met this morning to run a 5k today in honor of it. When I woke up this morning, I knew, the second my feet hit the floor, I knew, it wasn't going to be pretty, but I promised Drake and he hopped right up even though I know he didn't go to bed until 3 am. He was ready and wanted to go, I was not going to disappoint him again. Off we went.
As I pulled in the parking lot, the tightness in the chest started, the fear of getting out of the car, (Drake mind you jumped right out and said SEE YA UP THERE.. now if I can just get him to RUN with that enthusiasm) I sat there for a few minutes just collecting my thoughts, coaxing myself just get out, no one is going to bombard you, just get out, walk over there to the side, Just get out of the #$%@#$$# car you wimp. FINE!!!!! I did, I got out and made my way around to the back side of the crowd and did the little wave to people I know, you know the one, the one that screams "Hi, yes I am here, but PLEASE don't talk to me or I will probably lose my crap and neither of us will know what to do" unfortunately that wave is not as universally known as a hug. Which is ok, I just try to hold my crap together and pretend to be actually there, and participating, and comprehending what is going on around me, when the whole time I am just silently praying for someone to start this run already so I can get behind all these people and they can't see me! My mistake.... I listened to the email, and did what my coaches said and got there at 5:30 which was 30 minutes before start time, bad idea.
I was thankful to see a few people I am close to, I don't need to point out who they are, they probably don't even realize it was them, but they work well as human shields, I have found in the last 45 days that if you engage yourself in conversation, even if it is odd rambling, people are less likely to approach you and if they do it is not at a rapid speed. They tend to wait their turn a little more or for me to turn and approach them. There are a few, however, that take hugs to a whole new level, my daughter was one of those. She would basically run at you full force, throw herself at you, and hug you all the while trying not to knock you both down but if she did oh well she would just laugh at it. I used to be a fan of these hugs, and would laugh, now not so much.
It is one of the things I shy away from, I don't want anything coming at me full speed ahead, I am having a hard enough time STANDING by people, my brain isn't doing well with body flinging. I have had it happen a couple of times, more times than I care for it to happen, and each time it is worse. I see the person coming and my first thought is a nice right round house will stop them, then the next thought is just duck, and then I do the only thing I can. I freeze. I feel badly about this as I know the hug deliverer means no harm and are just delivering love, and maybe it's De's spirit screaming go hug my mommy.. maybe that is why I don't know how to handle it. I don't know. All I know is that I feel the need to scream please stop doing that and I am sorry all at the same time. My fear... that I am going to hurt someone, emotionally by just screaming DON'T or physically by instant reaction of hitting them. I came close to that today and I feel ashamed and embarrassed and at fault because I did not take my medication before going this morning. I haven't run since I have started talking my meds and I wasn't sure WHAT to do but I know one upsets my tummy and the other kind slows me down so I figured just wait til I get home. Little did I know the side effects of NOT talking them first.
Anyway my point of this post is one of information really, I love you, I love you all, I adore you all. I just can't handle you all at one time. I love hugs, I want hugs, I just can't deal with flying leaps that resemble football tackles. I am trying hard to get back to being me, and I hope that one day I can be right in the middle of you all again and I can be the one that runs up behind you and gives you that crazy knock you down hug, today, just isn't that day.
To my human walls. I thank you. I know you have not a clue who you are.. but you did your jobs today well.
So today I ask you... to gently hug someone, make that hug have meaning, let them KNOW just by that hug what your feeling, thinking, just don't knock them down!
Much Love to you all.
Oh PS Drake and I both finished the 5k.