If only she had worn her seat belt that morning... if only.
As I stated I wanted to try to write more this year so here we go. I am working on some of my other goals as well, I am reading more (a book on heaven) , I have walked some on the beach with my best friend Banx. (Sorry to my two legged best friends .. I think you all know the love I have for that pup and the love he has for me and I needed some alone time with God and De) and I have spent time working on gifts of love for people. I have completed four hats and a scarf and a few buttons. I went out and spent time with some amazing friends celebrating a God Friends birthday! Happy Birthday Brant.. and guess what I didn't crumble I didn't lose it, I wasn't freaking out.. I was just there, I was just me and I HAD A GREAT TIME.. Granted I had two of the best dates in town.. even if they were a little bit ... late retrieving me. Now. Drum roll please... I have also been sleeping! That is right the Ambien had a weird side effect, it CAUSED insomnia not helped it. Either way since that is going away which is a good thing I am sleepy, not exhausted and miserable, but sleepy like I can lay down to go to sleep and SLEEP! Which is an answer to many many prayers.
Now if I can get to the point I don't feel sleepy I will be in much better shape. I am guessing it takes a bit to get past this point when your body has gone so long without it, but that is ok, that too will subside in it's time. Right now it is about getting the rest I need to feel emotionally better, even after one night of 10 hours of sleep I felt SOOOOOOO much better mentally. I didn't even move that night, I woke up right where I feel asleep and still had my phone in my hand. Now that my friends is exhaustion. I could technically take the day off and go get in the bed and sleep.. like all day. I wonder if that would catch me up? If that would give me that edge of non sleepiness, I'm not sure, but it would however give me an upset boss. We have lots going on at work right now. So a quick nap before church tonight it is.
The bottom line is just getting that sleep, going out with my friends, completing projects has given me hope. I am becoming a new me. A new Re, you know that Re Phoenix person, from out of the ashes. One that can have an agenda, a life, a smile and happiness. I am not saying that it is a snap of the fingers, or a click of the sparkly converse ( I really would like sparkly converse.. do they make those?? Sweet Lord in Heaven they do!!! I must have these I NEED these.. )
Now if I can get to the point I don't feel sleepy I will be in much better shape. I am guessing it takes a bit to get past this point when your body has gone so long without it, but that is ok, that too will subside in it's time. Right now it is about getting the rest I need to feel emotionally better, even after one night of 10 hours of sleep I felt SOOOOOOO much better mentally. I didn't even move that night, I woke up right where I feel asleep and still had my phone in my hand. Now that my friends is exhaustion. I could technically take the day off and go get in the bed and sleep.. like all day. I wonder if that would catch me up? If that would give me that edge of non sleepiness, I'm not sure, but it would however give me an upset boss. We have lots going on at work right now. So a quick nap before church tonight it is.
The bottom line is just getting that sleep, going out with my friends, completing projects has given me hope. I am becoming a new me. A new Re, you know that Re Phoenix person, from out of the ashes. One that can have an agenda, a life, a smile and happiness. I am not saying that it is a snap of the fingers, or a click of the sparkly converse ( I really would like sparkly converse.. do they make those?? Sweet Lord in Heaven they do!!! I must have these I NEED these.. )
anyway.. back to what I was saying clicking the awesome converse above will not instantly make all right with the world.. I am saying there is hope that one day it will be better, not perfect but better. For almost 8 months and 24 days I have repeatedly said "I'm Ok." "I'm fine" or I am GOING to be ok or fine.. some variation. It was a lie.. I was never ok or fine, I am still not but guess what, I truly believe that I will be for the first time in those months. I feel like there is something lifted off of me, a weight, a force that has been keeping me grounded in hurt and pain, I imagine that when one is as exhausted as I have been you don't have much energy to fight for anything else. I feel a freedom from worrying about being around people who hurt me. A freedom to go out and be me again. A freedom to write what I need to without persecution or snarky comments of "I don't read your stuff". Freedom to realize IT IS YOUR LOSS if you don't accept me for me.. YOURS not mine. Cause me.. I am pretty darn awesome.
As I sat in the doctors office the other day in tears, alone, thinking I should have someone here with me because honestly I am a basket case and I have no business being by myself, it occured to me that I HAVE to do this alone, this is my journey, that doesn't mean there won't be help along the way but the majority of this has to be on me. Think about it, when running a marathon, you have to put in the work, the training, but you have encouragement along the way and a running buddy or two help out, on race day, you have to start and finish alone but you have help along the way, water stations, people cheering, and a whole group of people who love you at the finish line. That is so similar to what this is.This is my journey of grief that I am going to have to carry the weight of mainly myself but I also know that I have friends out there that I can call and say... hey.. can you run a mile with me, I need a bit of help this load is a bit too much for me alone, much like my dates the other night, all I had to do was reach out and there were right there with a helping hand! It is you guys and the rest of the support that is going to get me to the finish line even though the steps are mine, you all never let me give up, even in the darkest. You all know who you are.. and I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU... Look how far you have already gotten me!
Now I am going to go out and walk my little guy through the neighborhood in my pajamas and my eeyore robe and slippers.. BECAUSE I CAN!
Love you all!
De's Mommy
As I sat in the doctors office the other day in tears, alone, thinking I should have someone here with me because honestly I am a basket case and I have no business being by myself, it occured to me that I HAVE to do this alone, this is my journey, that doesn't mean there won't be help along the way but the majority of this has to be on me. Think about it, when running a marathon, you have to put in the work, the training, but you have encouragement along the way and a running buddy or two help out, on race day, you have to start and finish alone but you have help along the way, water stations, people cheering, and a whole group of people who love you at the finish line. That is so similar to what this is.This is my journey of grief that I am going to have to carry the weight of mainly myself but I also know that I have friends out there that I can call and say... hey.. can you run a mile with me, I need a bit of help this load is a bit too much for me alone, much like my dates the other night, all I had to do was reach out and there were right there with a helping hand! It is you guys and the rest of the support that is going to get me to the finish line even though the steps are mine, you all never let me give up, even in the darkest. You all know who you are.. and I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU... Look how far you have already gotten me!
Now I am going to go out and walk my little guy through the neighborhood in my pajamas and my eeyore robe and slippers.. BECAUSE I CAN!
Love you all!
De's Mommy
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