It all started with a scan.. a simple scan that showed me nothing different than I already knew. It basically said the following:
1. I am moderately hydrated in that I have drank some water but not enough water to be well hydrated, I pulled my water bottle out it is sitting here for today.
2. I have pretty good muscle mass. I am not surprised there. I mean it could always be higher but it was a good solid number.
3. I'm fat... well duh. I knew that, it was why I signed up for the class to start with. The scan said I need to lose 84 lbs. again not surprised by that number it is right in line with what I thought.
So where did it all go wrong you wonder? From one statement.
"well aren't you just a major health risk."
I mean yea I know that I am not as healthy as I should be but I am out here putting in the work. I hit the gym 3 days a week and my peloton the other two. I work hard when I am there even when I am frustrated with myself I put in the work. I get what the paper says, I am not shocked at what the paper says, but what YOU said... not cool... not cool at all.
I was so put off by the comment, especially when it had no follow up of, but we will get you through this, or we will work on this, or we are here to help. It was nothing but a snarky hurtful comment. Do I think they meant it to be hurtful, no it is doubtful, the person doesn't appear to be that kind... I think it was just them underestimating how impactful their words can be. Not everyone responds to negative talk.
So what did I do with it.. nothing. After the initial dumbfounding reaction and a quick vent session about it, I went to the class later yesterday afternoon. And guess what.... it happened again!!! Another back handed comment about my scan, this time in front of ten other people. I was livid!!!! Had I not committed to the class with two other people I would not have gone back to for class two, I am actually pretty sure I would have walked out that second. I left class with a very crappy feeling, about myself, about my abilities, and about where I was in my journey... and I wanted a damn cheeseburger and fries.
I ended up having another vent session about how and where I was with the whole thing and I coming away with a different attitude about it and I am taking a different approach than walking away, it will come to light as the weeks go on, but as I sat last night with those words ringing in my head and being so very angry about it, I got to thinking. Why am I so mad that someone would say those words to me? Granted keep in mind I played the I'm tough card "it's ok that they said that to me but what if they said it to someone else"to start with. You know what it is not ok for them to have used those words without follow up to anyone, period. So why do I allow someone else to talk to me that way... that someone else is ME!
There is a continuous running banter in my head that I am worthless, I am fat, I am pathetic, I am not a good person, I am ugly, I am weak... on and on and on and on and on. Frankly what this outside person said to me was MILD in comparison with this volcanic on slaught of nasty comments I give myself. I know I am not the only one out there that does this, and people, my friends, my family, my loves.... we MUST STOP.
I know I for one don't deal with negative comments well, see the cheeseburger from above, I dive head first into all the things and all the vices and I cover up with food and alcohol like a nice fuzzy warm blankie and stay there, only coming out long enough to work out so that I can pretend I am doing something. Those workouts aren't enough. I need to face some hard truths again about myself and the handle I need to get on things, and that is not a handle of vodka, even though I wish that it were.
I'm not built like other people, then again are any of us? My pendulum swings wildly from one side to the other, I don't have a full grasp on middle ground, I don't know that I ever will, but I absolutely have got to stop allowing negativity, sadness, and anger to swing my pendulum to the wrong side of the tracks and allowing it to get stuck there.
So here's to day two... what change did I make today?
I am already a bottle of water in before 7 am.
I dumped my coffee out because I had used creamer.. the bad kind.. and remade it with the good stuff, why I keep reverting to that sugary shit is beyond me.. oh wait see my fuzzy blankie above.
I have added an extra class in at the Y this week and an additional Peloton ride.
I did my morning stretch that I was assigned in class.
And last but not least.. I finished my journal assignment.
I have goals.. big ones for a woman of 50... but I kid you not I will turn this around.
Peace Love and Light