I want to start by saying that I don't think the person who made snarky comments on Monday is a jerk, I am erring on the side of caution here because I do see them interact with others and they always seem completely delightful. I am going to make a guess that they are just amazingly in denial about what their words do to others. What one thinks is a little funny quip they threw out there another thinks it is a dagger slung at them and I think this is where this person and I are. I have debated and I will be addressing the issue so that hopefully it doesn't happen to me or anyone else again. Moving right along....
Yesterday, today and Friday are double workout days for me this week. It is definitely time to stop playing around and get ready for these races I have coming up. My goal isn't to just complete these races but to actual do well in them. (well for me... I am not out here competing with anyone else) I would like to really improve on the times and what that is going to take is commitment to the gym and commitment to my plate. I sat here yesterday and ran through all of these scenarios as to how to beat the plate into submission, what if I did, oh I know maybe, How about if I.... and the plain simple truth of the matter is I have to stop eating like everyone else around me and eat like I need to for my own body. If only I didn't like the things that are so bad for me, cakes, cookies, pasta, carbs... just give me all of the carbs. Some people can eat them and not put on an ounce, like Ed and my Dad, and believe me both of them want carbs on their plates, so it is right there staring me in the face! I know that some of you may be reading this and thinking "for pete's sake Re.. just eat the dang cake.. life is short you don't HAVE to lose weight" Oh but I do. I don't love myself in this body and that is my right, my problem is I am too damn destructive to myself to follow through with the work.
What am I getting at there? I read something last night that stopped me in my tracks completely. (that is hard to do these days by the way) Over eating is a way of self harm.
Insert of definition
Self-harm is when you hurt yourself as a way of dealing with very difficult feelings, painful memories or overwhelming situations and experiences. Some people have described self-harm as a way to:
- express something that is hard to put into words
- turn invisible thoughts or feelings into something visible
- change emotional pain into physical pain
- reduce overwhelming emotional feelings or thoughts
- have a sense of being in control
- escape traumatic memories
- have something in life that they can rely on
- punish themselves for their feelings and experiences
- stop feeling numb, disconnected or dissociated
And THIS is why I keep falling into the trap of food and alcohol.. you know that warm fuzzy blanket that DULLS ALL THAT SHIT I AM FEELING!!! I can walk through this list right now and go check check check check check that is EXACTLY what I am doing when I over eat or drink and I have been doing it for 9 years.
I was looking back through photos the other day of my friendship with Amanda and the only time I actually looked healthy was the year prior to the accident. I had been working hard in the gym and at bootcamp, I was taking the steps needed to eat right, I wasn't drinking every time I turned around. I was actually in a place of self love and not self hatred.
The key now is to find what exactly will break those habits, how do I face the emotions and all of the feelings without the fuzzy blankets of self harm. If there was just some magic wand that would shift my desires of a beer and a cookie (not at the same time.. gross) to a mile run. I still feel deep down inside that I have stayed rooted in my fat suit because I don't deserve to be anything other than fat and miserable. Crazy right? Somehow I have to find the path back to self love.
Those are my words of enlightenment today... sorry if it leads to more questions than answers but that is exactly where I am right now. So many how can Is floating around in my head.. yea yea yea I know.. Nike.. Just do it.
Peace Love and Light