Drake, Banx and I spent the week in Mathews, with my Daddy, my Mom, and Ed. I personally spent more time on the water than land and I am still having a hard time walking in a straight line. I am happy to say that it was the most relaxing stress free week since the accident. There were signs of De's presence EVERY WHERE.. more and more friends posted they saw something special here or there.. yet I was not "seeing" anything at first. While Mariah were in the pool relaxing on Friday afternoon.. ZOOM... goes a dragon fly... and around around it flew. I spoke to Deanna that night while walking Banx and looking up at the stars. Just chit chatting and then thanked her for the beautiful people she left me in life and the beautiful stories of your selflessness that she displayed that are being relayed to me through stories via her friends and mine. Then on Saturday as I was paddling along I saw it in the water, right beside me, I slowed and scooped it up without even stopping, a feather. And not just any old feather, a half zebra striped feather. I know she was saying.. "Mommy... be happy.. just live"
The only complaint I have about this week and weekend, was leaving. I am not in a funk today as I have been in the past, I don't feel guilty about enjoying my weekend as I KNOW that is exactly what De would have wanted. I started reading a book with Mariah and Amanda, a book that De would have loved, it is making me feel good, not sad. The signs of her saying "hi" are starting to make me smile a little and not feel left in utter despair. Don't get me wrong there are the moments of, Why isn't she here to see this.. or She should tanning with Mariah not me.. or just images of the scene and my mind playing the "video" of her last seconds, they have not left, I don't know that they EVER will but I am starting to see pin hole beams of light back in my life. Moments that although she is gone I am able to perform things that I used to, fishing, relaxing, boating and actually get enjoyment out of it and not just perform the motions. My laugh still sounds foreign to me when it happens, and there is a huge piece missing no matter what I am doing, it is true the saying a "Hole in my heart" that is exactly what it feels like, that no matter what you do, something is not quite right in the world anymore.
The point here is some how, some way, I am getting there, slowly. I have some very loyal friends and family that support me through the darkest moments, don't question me when, all of a sudden it seems I am likely to lose it and start swinging paddle board paddles at their heads and they just wait for the moment to pass, (for someone to claim to have no patience Ed certainly has found some because usually he is the one around when all of a sudden the darkness and sadness sets in, there is no way I could ever thank him for being what and who he has been...) and there are still a lot of those moments.
As the week goes on I will fill you in on details of our vacation in big old Mathews.. but for now.. this is how I spent it.
Give... We gave away more fish and clams we kept...
Live.. I did live, I finally allowed myself to Live for moments of time, on my board, with my family, enjoyed my time.
Hug... Oh I got hugs and gave them all over the place!!!
So how did YOU spend your holiday?
Much Love to you all,