What do you see that I don't...

7/11/2013

Going to be a little bit heavy today... this morning with this post. I have let it be known that I am speaking to a therapist and have been for awhile so that is no secret, but yesterday I completely just broke in her office, something I haven't done since the day I had to tell her of why I was there. I belong to a grief site as well, where there are other angel moms who, YEARS later are still in the grips of horror and sadness. Haven't left their homes, do not grocery shop, do not cook, have quit their jobs, (obviously I don't have the financial support to do that) basically what I am say here is they have been allowed or given the opportunity to grieve I suppose I would call it.. given the understanding that.. they aren't in a place to go out.. or be in big crowds.. or enjoy the things they used to. They are in different places of their lives now such as I am. They have their support come to them... What I don't understand is what do you all see differently in me that these mom's? At times I feel I am being pushed to a place I am not ready to be. I hear a lot of "Come over my house we will XXXX..." " Why don't we go out and XXXX" "Let's make plans for X day and we will XXXX." When will you back at bootcamp.. When will you run again.. I have heard of the statements behind my back as well.. The she is crazy.. she needs to be hospitalized.. she shouldn't be this sad..

I don't know maybe the other angel moms hear the same thing and just have a blanket I AM NOT THERE YET statement. But to me.. I feel pushed and rushed.. I have extended invites to my house (I feel safe here) they were denied with a "No why don't you come to my house and get out" or "Oh I forgot I am doing XXXX then" I have turned down dinners out with large parties because the chaos and confusion really plays tricks on my brain. It's too much and it is sensory overload. I have asked that a small group of ladies come to my home, just to start getting me into things easily, unfortunately our schedules aren't meshing lately.

By no means does this post mean I am giving up trying to move forward, I am constantly moving forward, actually Jen that is my therapist said I was handling all of this better than any other she had seen in this situation, and that she felt I was doing remarkable. She also asked me why I didn't ask you all why you feel that pushing me towards things I am not quite ready for is necessary. Do you all see something in me that I don't? Do you just miss the old Re so you want me back? Is it natural instinct to try to make things the way they used to be?

By no means am I fussing about your support.. I am just trying to figure out how to let you all know what I need versus what everyone wants. I hope I am making some kind of sense here. Oh.. there is one thing that I DON'T need at all... harassment, drama, backstabbing, and discussion of my situation behind my back so if we can keep that out of the picture for awhile that would get greatly appreciated.

Oh and the one thing I forgot... the famous "I am here if you want to talk..." Nope I don't want to talk, I write, if you want inside my head read what I write, I CAN'T talk I have a problem with it, why because all I break down and cry and it is pointless. I can't get my feelings across or out. When I do talk to people it is rarely about how I feel, sometimes it is about De and the accident.. but NEVER about how I feel. Not even to Amanda do I talk about how I am feeling inside I can't. The words escape me. They don't come out right and I end up just like I did yesterday a sobbing crazy mess and no one can help. I don't even bother telling people outloud that they have hurt me, and many times I just let it go even with my writing, I don't bother saying.. you aren't listening! I have found that to be pointless as well.

I think I should have made this a blog post.. (so I did)
Anyway the question is what is it that you guys see in me that make you push me just a bit harder than these other moms are being pushed.... Why are they being supported in the place they are in right now and I feel like I am being shoved out of my comfort zone some... And if one person mentions circles and magic .. I will come punch you in the nose.

Much love to you all!
Re

4 Comments

Kim link

7/10/2013 11:26:43 pm

Sweetie ~ what an amazing person you are! Greater is He who lives in you than he who is in the world. THAT right there makes ALL the difference. Not just allowing the Lord to speak to your heart, guide you by His Holy Spirit & His Word, but being obedient to what you know He is speaking to you & that is what I believe makes the biggest difference in you. We dont' have a testimony w/out the test, a message w/out the mess. Yes, it's cliche' but so very true. And giving God the glory & PayingTheLady through the storms is what gets us through. Some tend to stop in the middle & sit down & stay there becasue it's easier than doing something to get through their hell. So many don't even have the Lord in their lives or hearts & going through any kind of hell on earth w/out Him, NO WAY! That is why many stay in their guilt, hell, torture, etc. Remember when you said you almost felt guilty enjoying life w/out De? God does not want that for anyone. We are never guarunteed tomorrow, none of us. What is different about you is that God put a tenacity in you that not many have. He saw your life before you knew about it. He formed you & created you & shaped you perfectly before you were in your mother's womb. HE LOVES YOU!!!! YOU have allowed HIM to do that. You have allowed Him to start healing you & in the process as with any wound, sometimes the scab gets torn off & the process takes longer. Sometimes others will pick at it or comment on it & wonder why you haven't just healed already. I have found that those people are also hurting for something deeply rooted in their own lives & when someone like you who is strong, strong willed, enjoys life, is amazing, all that you are & then they fall or get sick, or hurt, THEY can't handle it. It seems backwards. But sometimes we all need a stronger person who helps us keep going, to encourage us & when that person in our lives isn't that person, well then the weaker doesn't know where to turn. None of us were meant to rely on any other person than Jesus for that strength, encouragement, love, support, wholeness. He is the only ONE who can & should fill the empitness, broken, raw, torn, & hellish places in our hearts & lives. Yes God has given us one another to be here for each other but ultimaltely He must our first & last go to person. The rest is just the filling or icing on top. God in you is what is different. Your willingness to be so real w/ all of us is waht is different. Your love of life before this happened is what is different. Your support from family & true friends is what is different. When Peter walked on the water IN THE STORM to Jesus he only started to sink when he took his eyes & confidence off Jesus & looked at the storm around him & started to panic realizing where he was. Those who don't understand, back talk, bite, snarl, they simply need someone in their lives like you have. But mostly they probably more than likely do not have a relationship w/ Jesus. You have grown so very much & yes in areas, very quickly. God is still a God of miracles & He will continue to carry you through this as far as you allow Him. Block out times in your day just to talk w/ Him just like you would one of your best friedns, sisper, or dad. He will not let you down, He knows your pain & wants to see you happy & whole again more than anyone. But He is truly the only One who can get you to that place you seek. Yes, others who know you would like to see the old you but no one really wants the old you, the new you, that is being formed because of what you are walking through is going to be specatcular too. Some people just simply do not like or understand change. We are creatures meant to change & grow & mature in nature not be stagnant. Had you stayed stagnant, you would not have learned to stand on that board, find those feathers, seen those dragonflies. When Jesus sets us free, we are FREE indeed. But someitmes when a prisoner has been chained for so long even after the feters are cut off they will sit in their prison because they have given up that hope & stopped trying or crying out for help. YOU did not stop in the middle of the storm or hell. Like that country song says, If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
Well that is true in sense, but we dont' have to hide our feelings & emoitons because God knows already. Satan does too so keep on going. Keep on living. Don't try to be what others think you should be. Be who God created you to be & right now I say that is still one awesome, amazing, loving, kind, generous, beautiful, victorious person. I LOVE YOU!!!! Sorry for the length. I LOVE to write & enocurage others. Praying for you always dear one! LOVE & LAUGHTER!!!

Aunt Ann

7/11/2013 12:54:00 am

I don't know the circumstances of these other moms but I do know it is inhuman to wall yourself up in pain and memories as if in a prison.Suffering must open us to others.Family and friends may at times seem to be pushing you faster than you want to be pushed.But look back from where you were when this tragedy began to where you are now.If it had not been for family and friends loving and sometimes with tough love ,caring and pushing you forward where would you be? Answer this question for us.Personally I see,a mom with 2 young men who need her daily,a daughter who is loved and needed in numerous ways,a overcomer who is desperately needed especially for the moms inprisoned by their grief and at a stand still,a child of God who is allowing Him to use her to heal grieving moms for His glory and get back on their feet again through the blogs,letters you are posting.Many can't or won't express themselves through talking with someone or by writing their feelings .Thank God that you are willing to do this and that you have a team behind you cheering you on and you will have the victory.You know by experience in order to win a race you have to get out of the comfort zone.In this journey of life there will always be trials and tribulations but if we keep our goals of overcoming them with each others help at the end we will win and great is our reward when we see our loved ones and Jesus face to face.Have a Blessed day and Love You!

Soraya

7/11/2013 05:30:37 am

take one day at a time. some will be good, others will be tough. Ride the waves of grief... I heard that when you fight the undertoe in the ocean is when you drown. You are supposed to just ride it and you will surface. I think that is true with grief too. No one truly understands what you are going through... you are brave for putting your thoughts down. Just keep doing what you feel comfortable doing and know that you are loved

Kate

7/11/2013 06:49:42 am

My advice is going to be based on my knowledge of general depression, not grief related depression, so it might not fit exactly, but here goes. When you are depressed it IS hard to get out and go places and do things. You feel like you are slogging through mud just to make it to the surface to even start to do something. That's why you want to stay home, because it's less of a fight that you don't have the mental energy for anyway. The good thing is that you WANT to see people and be surrounded by their company. That's half the battle (it's the easier half, unfortunately) The other half is getting people to understand where you are in your journey to living in this new reality. My suggestion is to tell them you're taking baby steps right now, and the baby step you're on is having people over to your place. Getting used to being around people and being able to focus on their visit instead of letting your brain float away somewhere else. So try to view their invitations as more of a gauge of where you're at. Do you want to go out, or are you still working on it? And let them know that you DO want the invitations, because the day will come when the baby step you're on is that you ARE ready to go out. So if they are true friends and supporters, they will be understanding of your baby steps and wait patiently for you.

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