I don't know maybe the other angel moms hear the same thing and just have a blanket I AM NOT THERE YET statement. But to me.. I feel pushed and rushed.. I have extended invites to my house (I feel safe here) they were denied with a "No why don't you come to my house and get out" or "Oh I forgot I am doing XXXX then" I have turned down dinners out with large parties because the chaos and confusion really plays tricks on my brain. It's too much and it is sensory overload. I have asked that a small group of ladies come to my home, just to start getting me into things easily, unfortunately our schedules aren't meshing lately.
By no means does this post mean I am giving up trying to move forward, I am constantly moving forward, actually Jen that is my therapist said I was handling all of this better than any other she had seen in this situation, and that she felt I was doing remarkable. She also asked me why I didn't ask you all why you feel that pushing me towards things I am not quite ready for is necessary. Do you all see something in me that I don't? Do you just miss the old Re so you want me back? Is it natural instinct to try to make things the way they used to be?
By no means am I fussing about your support.. I am just trying to figure out how to let you all know what I need versus what everyone wants. I hope I am making some kind of sense here. Oh.. there is one thing that I DON'T need at all... harassment, drama, backstabbing, and discussion of my situation behind my back so if we can keep that out of the picture for awhile that would get greatly appreciated.
Oh and the one thing I forgot... the famous "I am here if you want to talk..." Nope I don't want to talk, I write, if you want inside my head read what I write, I CAN'T talk I have a problem with it, why because all I break down and cry and it is pointless. I can't get my feelings across or out. When I do talk to people it is rarely about how I feel, sometimes it is about De and the accident.. but NEVER about how I feel. Not even to Amanda do I talk about how I am feeling inside I can't. The words escape me. They don't come out right and I end up just like I did yesterday a sobbing crazy mess and no one can help. I don't even bother telling people outloud that they have hurt me, and many times I just let it go even with my writing, I don't bother saying.. you aren't listening! I have found that to be pointless as well.
I think I should have made this a blog post.. (so I did)
Anyway the question is what is it that you guys see in me that make you push me just a bit harder than these other moms are being pushed.... Why are they being supported in the place they are in right now and I feel like I am being shoved out of my comfort zone some... And if one person mentions circles and magic .. I will come punch you in the nose.
Much love to you all!