Yea, I don't think so either. So I am TRYING a new approach.. I am trying not to be sad, I am trying to be grateful and blessed when I receive little hellos from her like the following:
Random Coins: trust me they are everywhere and if someone could explain to me how and why they keep ended up in the middle of my living room floor then maybe I would view this differently but when Drake and I are the only ones here and neither of us have change in our pockets...yea.. Hi De!
Feathers when I am boarding: three now to be exact, each beautiful each different and each just randomly seen as I was paddling away, two I had to stop and turn around for, the last zebra striped one I scooped up as I paddled by, I saw it right in front of me. Her sister has found them randomly, as well as my best friend, and Ed.
Dragon Flies: My friends seem to see them more than I, but they always send notes or photos that a hello was sent their way, it warms my heart to know that others see them and think of De and me. I have had one ride around on my finger for a nice long walk with my God Friend Betsy. I had one do a fly by the other day when in the pool with Mariah, I missed it and she said "It flew right over your head Mommy!" I admit I whined a little bit because others were seeing them all weekend and I had not, about that time.. SWOOSH... fly by and the little critter flew around and around the pool. :)
Shooting Stars and little white lights: Don't ask me what the white lights were I will never be able to explain it, I just know in my heart what they were and two separate occasions now I have seen shooting or falling stars while speaking about De.
Many nights when the stars are out and shining I go talk to her, why I feel closer to her outside with twinkly stars I don't know but I do, so we talk. The other night instead of asking repeatedly why she had to go, and how much I missed her, and how I wanted her to come back, I spoke to her about how I wish she was seeing all the beautiful things that I had been that week and then I thanked her for the gifts she has left me here in this life. Gifts I would have never known if it were not for the accident, gifts that I could not have survived this time in my life without. I am not saying that these gifts are worth more to me than her, I would gladly give them back to her, for her to be here, but I am grateful and in awe that they were left to me through her, for her, and by her.
As you can see, there is no lack of communication from my beautiful daughter, directly to me and to friends, these are beautiful things that I am learning to cherish, just as I have to learn to cherish all the good moments in life again. I am having to learn not to feel guilty for smiling, laughing, enjoying myself with family and friends, it is a new life for me and the rest of us that were so close to her, together I believe we will get there. I am not saying I am going to be all happy and giggly and joyful tomorrow, I am saying that I am going to try to hold on a little longer to good, and not feel bad when the good happens.
There will always be a tremendous hole in my heart and life, that no amount of stars, friends, coins.. will ever be able to fill but that does not mean the rest of my heart can not be filled with love and happiness. This is a journey, a very long, moment by moment journey and in five minutes I may be right back in the darkness of sadness again, it's like that, but right now, right this second I am holding on to the good! Holding on to the sweet memories I have with my De, cherishing the 19 years we all were allowed to spend with her, and feeling happy for the happiness I know that she brought to others.
So to my wonderful friends.. I thank you! Each and every one of you for being beautiful gifts in my live, for standing by when I needed you, for taking a step back when I needed space, for just holding on to me when I needed to cry, and for allowing me to call you a Stupid @##$#@#$ Donut when called for, I would not be posting this blog with out the love from all of you and without my special signs from my girl.
Much Love to you All,
PS Another few things that I have always tried to live by are: say what you mean, mean what you say, love hard, apologize first, forgive often, walk away when needed but stand up for yourself and others when called for. Life is too short for pettiness, way way to short. Sadly I have seen more pettiness and cattiness in the last three months than I have in entire time I have been on this beach, some directed toward me, some not. To those that feel I did them wrong, I apologize, that is all I can do. I have extended it previously I am extending it again, to those that did me wrong, I forgive you, for those that are in the throws of doing others wrong, step back and put yourself in their shoes, for those that have already done wrong, own up to it, face what you did and who you hurt, send a text, make a phone call, put out a facebook message, but do not allow another second to go by without fixing the hurt, you never ever know the moment it will be too late.