Major break throughs in the last few days.. MAJOR! At least I think they are and I hope they can help lead to a change.
I have been playing insanity with my emotions, repeatedly banging on the same door that is being unanswered, backing up rejected and hurt, only to return to banging on that same door expecting to be answered, expecting to be heard, expecting to be understood, and expecting to be accepted. There is another unfortunate side affect of this repeated banging is that I have not heard the gentle knocks on my door. Sometimes in life I get hung up, this is nothing new, I have always done this Pre and Post accident, I expect something or someone to do respond a certain way and I continue to try to get what I expect no matter how many times I am rejected or turned away. It just takes me a long time to realize what is happening, but with the help of others I came to the conclusion that I am stuck behind this wall much faster than normal.
The issue now is I am stuck on the wrong side of a wall, and have to figure out how to get around it or over it, and back to my door, so I can start letting the gentle knockers in. (ON A SIDE NOTE as I was writing this blog post I popped over to facebook and saw that my friend Elly had posted this quote.. "Until you face your fears, you don't move to the other side, where you find the power." -Mark Allen, 6 time Ironman world champion. Quite funny when you continue reading you will find the irony... thanks beautiful I needed to see that!!) My next step is figuring out my next step, that is always an interesting adventure. I need to figure out how best to test the waters on the other side of the wall, at the other side of my door, and face the fear of the rejection that may come from even there. This is something that is going to now take me some time, it will take baby steps to reach my hand out to the door knob to open it.
As I said major break through.. now to work on getting past it.. the next huge step for me in this very long process.
As I have mentioned before, lyrics hit me and sometimes they need a tiny bit of tweaking to fit right.. I tweaked this one but it fits how I feel and where I am.
Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for
Most nights, I don't know anymore
This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for,
Most nights, I don't know
So this is it?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my kids for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's not all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan,
My heart is breaking for life I lived and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into my babies eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible lies...
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love to you all.
De's Mommy
I have been playing insanity with my emotions, repeatedly banging on the same door that is being unanswered, backing up rejected and hurt, only to return to banging on that same door expecting to be answered, expecting to be heard, expecting to be understood, and expecting to be accepted. There is another unfortunate side affect of this repeated banging is that I have not heard the gentle knocks on my door. Sometimes in life I get hung up, this is nothing new, I have always done this Pre and Post accident, I expect something or someone to do respond a certain way and I continue to try to get what I expect no matter how many times I am rejected or turned away. It just takes me a long time to realize what is happening, but with the help of others I came to the conclusion that I am stuck behind this wall much faster than normal.
The issue now is I am stuck on the wrong side of a wall, and have to figure out how to get around it or over it, and back to my door, so I can start letting the gentle knockers in. (ON A SIDE NOTE as I was writing this blog post I popped over to facebook and saw that my friend Elly had posted this quote.. "Until you face your fears, you don't move to the other side, where you find the power." -Mark Allen, 6 time Ironman world champion. Quite funny when you continue reading you will find the irony... thanks beautiful I needed to see that!!) My next step is figuring out my next step, that is always an interesting adventure. I need to figure out how best to test the waters on the other side of the wall, at the other side of my door, and face the fear of the rejection that may come from even there. This is something that is going to now take me some time, it will take baby steps to reach my hand out to the door knob to open it.
As I said major break through.. now to work on getting past it.. the next huge step for me in this very long process.
As I have mentioned before, lyrics hit me and sometimes they need a tiny bit of tweaking to fit right.. I tweaked this one but it fits how I feel and where I am.
Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure, what I stand for
Most nights, I don't know anymore
This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype,
Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked,
But here they come again to jack my style
Well some nights, I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for,
Most nights, I don't know
So this is it?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my kids for this?
No. When I see stars, when I see stars, that's not all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like a swan,
My heart is breaking for life I lived and the con that I called "love"
But when I look into my babies eyes,
Man you wouldn't believe, the most amazing things, that can come from,
Some terrible lies...
The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Much love to you all.
De's Mommy
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