Ok let's start at the beginning, I think I speak a special language that self translates from the time I speak or type, it to the time it is read or heard, at least to select individuals, I say "2 plus 2 equals 4" (See Amanda I do know my Science... public education baby!!) and what they hear is "the Independence of the United States was written on pink paper with purple sparkle glue by a hippopotamus.. SERIOUSLY THAT far off! No matter how I try to phrase, rephrase, or send smoke signals they still hear.. hippopotamus. Which leads me to a huge decision I have to make, how do I spend my energy, arguing with someone to see that I am not talking about a flipping hippopotamus or healing myself. Sorry but for once I choose me. I say that with so much confidence don't I? Truthfully I am still standing on top of a wall, praying I don't fall off before I make the first step no matter which direction or with how much speed, a step has to be made and only I can be the one to let go of my grip. I say on top of the wall because I realize the wall is there, I can see both sides of it now, where just a few short days ago I was completely blinded by nothing but the brick of wall and the door in front of me, so I am at least that far.
There have been other events in the past few days that have could have easily ripped open the slowly healing wound of the accident, but some how I have managed to keep a very tight bandage on my heart and mind, at the moment I know I am not processing what has happened and my only concern is for my friend, I don't want to process the events, I don't want to think about them, I don't want to face them, or talk about them, because if the events are true for her, then they are real. I am not ready for real. My heart is not ready to know I will never see my baby again in this life, that I won't hear I love you Mommy, that tomorrow is going to come and I won't hear "Happy Birthday I made you a dark chocolate cake because it is healthier" I don't want my friend to feel this ..... emptiness.
Last night I had nightmares, that always leads to a rather emotional morning, I remember at least one of last nights, there was a complete series of weirdness, being in the woods with my Daddy, I think I ran there, but it was set up as a camp, and crying, not just crying, screaming crying because someone had set up a photo shoot and taken photos of a new baby, in the exact outfits and with a bunny just like De's and how happy everyone was. I can still hear my daddy saying "It's ok Sugar" It's not ok and it will never be OK again. Not for me, I woke up with the overwhelming realization that, to others, life goes on, that initial sadness is replaced with something else, someone else, a new event upcoming, new opportunities, for some it is very quick, for others it takes longer, for me nothing will ever fill these missing pieces in my heart and life.
As I stood in front of the mirror after finally shaking the cob webs of the dreams out of my head I wondered to myself "When are you going to keep your promises? The promises you made to yourself, to people you love. When you are going to exercise, when you are going to run, go to bootcamp, get healthy, when are you going to reach out and just try, when you are going to stop being a failure?" I didn't have any answers but if I don't do something I am going to end up the size of a house and even more depressed, I don't feel like running, I don't feel that I fit in bootcamp anymore, exercise and scheduling is down right exhausting to even try to coordinate with how my emotions run... as I said failure. I sighed and made my way down the hall to fix that amazing concoction that if nothing else wakes me up so I can deal with the day a tiny bit better and low and behold ... no coffee beans.
Luckily enough the coffee shop is less than half a block away and Banx and I took off, me still replaying all of this negativity in my mind, trying to find the strength to just keep going, or to just plain stop, contemplating what the next steps need to be and what I should do, as I leaned down to tie Banx to the table in the bench I saw a penny... then beside it on the ground another. I heard in my head... "It's ok Mommy.. I love you" I don't know if I heard it or if I wanted to hear it so badly I made it up, either way I picked up her pennies and brought them home and placed them in her cup with a small bit of comfort out of a morning of chaos. Today... I can't seem to stop crying, I can't find simple things, car keys, wallets, gumption to even breathe. I wish I had a white flag I could wave and everyone knew oh my rally the troops it's a bad one, that work understood and said just take the day, go figure this out, that family just prayed, (oh wait they do that), but this is life and the troops have dwindled even the general (PS this is not THE General just another general) has moved on to other posts and activities.
I was responding to a message earlier today and I reread it and realized that my inner Jim Morrison had started to come out and I erased it and just replied with a simple ok.. and that I was going to post it here on the blog just so you can see how muddle my thoughts could be at times.
Fear... Fear of what?? I don't know. It's that weird. It's not the missing piece, it's not there now, it lingers on the edge. What is it? Fear of never being approved. Maybe? She had hers, is that what I am searching for? All I know is my feet are firmly rooted and I NEED them to move. No longer a want its a need. Wasted energy .... knock knock knock...
After I wrote this I glanced at Facebook and a family member had posted the following:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Pretty loud message... I need to remember this as I make the next steps in this journey, as they are going to be some of the hardest.
Live your life today for yourself and God, give someone a hug that looks like they need it... I am waving my white flag and going to hide under my bed awhile.