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Where I let a little inner Jim Morrison come out in the end.. 

7/17/2013

7 Comments

 
Picture
The photo is side ways.. much like my brain and I can't figure out how to fix it. Explanation of pic in blog post (just for you God Friend)
This morning as I was playing over misunderstood and saddening events of the last few days, the horrible nightmare I had last night, who knew that a man could be so evil and snide in a dream as he is in real life, (halt facebook status switch over to blog post.. I am finding that my simple thoughts are incredibly long these days)

Ok let's start at the beginning, I think I speak a special language that self translates from the time I speak or type, it to the time it is read or heard, at least to select individuals, I say "2 plus 2 equals 4" (See Amanda I do know my Science... public education baby!!) and what they hear is "the Independence of the United States was written on pink paper with purple sparkle glue by a hippopotamus.. SERIOUSLY THAT far off!  No matter how I try to phrase, rephrase, or send smoke signals they still hear.. hippopotamus. Which leads me to a huge decision I have to make, how do I spend my energy, arguing with someone to see that I am not talking about a flipping hippopotamus or healing myself. Sorry but for once I choose me.  I say that with so much confidence don't I? Truthfully I am still standing on top of a wall, praying I don't fall off before I make the first step no matter which direction or with how much speed, a step has to be made and only I can be the one to let go of my grip. I say on top of the wall because I realize the wall is there, I can see both sides of it now, where just a few short days ago I was completely blinded by nothing but the brick of wall and the door in front of me, so I am at least that far.

There have been other events in the past few days that have could have easily ripped open the slowly healing wound of the accident, but some how I have managed to keep a very tight bandage on my heart and mind, at the moment I know I am not processing what has happened and my only concern is for my friend, I don't want to process the events, I don't want to think about them, I don't want to face them, or talk about them, because if the events are true for her, then they are real. I am not ready for real. My heart is not ready to know I will never see my baby again in this life, that I won't hear I love you Mommy, that tomorrow is going to come and I won't hear "Happy Birthday I made you a dark chocolate cake because it is healthier" I don't want my friend to feel this ..... emptiness.

Last night I had nightmares, that always leads to a rather emotional morning, I remember at least one of last nights, there was a complete series of weirdness, being in the woods with my Daddy, I think I ran there, but it was set up as a camp, and crying, not just crying, screaming crying because someone had set up a photo shoot and taken photos of a new baby, in the exact outfits and with a bunny just like De's and how happy everyone was. I can still hear my daddy saying "It's ok Sugar" It's not ok and it will never be OK again. Not for me, I woke up with the overwhelming realization that, to others, life goes on, that initial sadness is replaced with something else, someone else, a new event upcoming, new opportunities, for some it is very quick, for others it takes longer, for me nothing will ever fill these missing pieces in my heart and life.

As I stood in front of the mirror after finally shaking the cob webs of the dreams out of my head I wondered to myself "When are you going to keep your promises? The promises you made to yourself, to people you love. When you are going to exercise, when you are going to run, go to bootcamp, get healthy, when are you going to reach out and just try, when you are going to stop being a failure?" I didn't have any answers but if I don't do something I am going to end up the size of a house and even more depressed, I don't feel like running, I don't feel that I fit in bootcamp anymore, exercise and scheduling is down right exhausting to even try to coordinate with how my emotions run... as I said failure. I sighed and made my way down the hall to fix that amazing concoction that if nothing else wakes me up so I can deal with the day a tiny bit better and low and behold ... no coffee beans.

Luckily enough the coffee shop is less than half a block away and Banx and I took off, me still replaying all of this negativity in my mind, trying to find the strength to just keep going, or to just plain stop, contemplating what the next steps need to be and what I should do, as I leaned down to tie Banx to the table in the bench I saw a penny... then beside it on the ground another. I heard in my head... "It's ok Mommy.. I love you" I don't know if I heard it or if I wanted to hear it so badly I made it up, either way I picked up her pennies and brought them home and placed them in her cup with a small bit of comfort out of a morning of chaos. Today... I can't seem to stop crying, I can't find simple things, car keys, wallets, gumption to even breathe. I wish I had a white flag I could wave and everyone knew oh my rally the troops it's a bad one, that work understood and said just take the day, go figure this out, that family just prayed, (oh wait they do that), but this is life and the troops have dwindled even the general (PS this is not THE General just another general) has moved on to other posts and activities.

I was responding to a message earlier today and I reread it and realized that my inner Jim Morrison had started to come out and I erased it and just replied with a simple ok.. and that I was going to post it here on the blog just so you can see how muddle my thoughts could be at times.


Fear... Fear of what?? I don't know. It's that weird. It's not the missing piece, it's not there now, it lingers on the edge. What is it? Fear of never being approved. Maybe? She had hers, is that what I am searching for?  All I know is my feet are firmly rooted and I NEED them to move. No longer a want its a need. Wasted energy .... knock knock knock...

After I wrote this I glanced at Facebook and a family member had posted the following:


So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)


Pretty loud message... I need to remember this as I make the next steps in this journey, as they are going to be some of the hardest.

Live your life today for yourself and God, give someone a hug that looks like they need it... I am waving my white flag and going to hide under my bed awhile.

Much love,
De's Mommy

7 Comments
Paula
7/16/2013 11:24:22 pm

I have received your white flag. Now, I'll give you 15min. under the bed. If I lived down the street from you (instead of hours away) I would then pull your ass from under the bed, take you to the coffee shop, have a heart to heart, let you cry on my shoulder, blow your nose, wipe your tears away, help you take ONE step, walk on the beach, find a feather from De attached with her message to you saying, "Great Mommy, you took a step. I'm so proud of you!". Re, honey, we are all proud of you and I'm loving you from afar wishing I could be there for you! You will find the strength to do this without me being there because you have 2 angels, one on each side, gently nudging you to take a step.... XOXO,s

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Renee
7/17/2013 12:11:44 am

Re, you wave the white flag and wave it high if you need to, but for only a short while, as the scripture say he will strenghten you and help you. Again one step, day at a time. But one things for sure De is sending signs everyday to you to feel her presecnes. Just this am watering flowers a beautiful dragon fly came to me and I said good morning De love you... I know its got to be hard, but you are NOT a failure and are amazing to do as well as you have. I don't know who this is that is messing with you, but they sure need to let up and give you time to at least try and heal. If you need me to take care of them, just say so.... LOL now that will bring you a smile. Love you and here for you! hugs, hugs

Reply
Donna
7/17/2013 12:46:30 am

I have heard you this morning. I carry a small hand-written note in my wallet from my Mom. She passed away June 12, 2004, and there is not a day goes by that I don't think about and pray for her. I have had to move forward, though, putting one foot in front of the other to try to make a little progress (not perfection). I would like to share the prayer with you, because it somehow comforts me when I read it: "Sacred Heart of Jesus, I come to you in need of healing. I have allowed certain persons and experiences to cause worry to rise within my person. Please heal my spirit with the uplifting hope of your presence to me. Ease my apprehension with the conviction that you are ever awaiting me in my next experience - - - waiting to show me through it - - to help my person be joyful and confident as I continue to encounter life. Sacred Heart of Jesus, draw me into a trusting experience with you. Sacred Heart of Jesus, I trust in thee."

Reply
Donna
7/17/2013 12:47:12 am

And, yes, there is a bumper crop of dragonflies in my yard this year.

Reply
Renee
7/17/2013 01:05:37 am

Donna, what a wonderful prayer for the healing

Reply
Kim
7/17/2013 01:25:32 am

OK girl you gave the go, so here it goes: First & most important YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! Repeat!!! I AM NOT A FAILURE!!! :)
Secondly I HEAR you & the words you speak are VERY clear! Those who don't or can't hear them, well they have their reasons & you need to simply ask Father God to take what they have tried to put on you & walk away knowing it's NOT YOU. <3
The healing process in the natural is different for everyone. So it is also in the mind, spirit, soul. You are not like anyone else. You are the only you God created because you are the only you He needed. We should not & can not please others the way they want to be pleased or appeased. Only God can & should be the One we aim to do that for in our lives. When HE is our heart's desire, then all other things in our lives will fall into place, not my words but His. Again, I draw my words that I encourage others w/, from His word & my expereinces in how He has manifested His truth in & through my life. You can argue facts & ideas but you can not argue w/ someone's personal experience. We are wonderfully & fearfully created in HIS image. And God is not boring or dull to say the least. Your life sweetie is precious & so too is your heart & hurt & healing. For those who do not understand & maybe never will, well it's like expecting a small child to do things only a teenager can do or an elephant to cimb a tree like a monkey. And trust me when I say this, only GOD can make those impossible things happen. So, we try to engage those in our lives w/ grace & mercy all the while looking up asking God why are they the way they are. And yet we are told we must focus on our own selves first. So ok that was connfusing but my point is focus on those things God has placed before YOU to do as He gently guides you through this hell that you feel some days & others is not so prevelant. Allow Him to tickle your thoughts, your feelings, & emotions. Dont' be ashamed when you have days like today. Let it be what it is & then as you would look at your daddy here on earth, look at the face of Jesus in your mind & take a deep breath, let Him wipe the tears from your face & heart & say ok let's keep going. Keep Him closer than anything, anyone, any thoughts, memories, emotions, becasue He is the only One who can truly, when all others are busy living their own lives, who is & always will be there right when you need Him. And He is the only One who can heal, soothe, comfort, provide that miracle, & bring wholeness where there is emptiness. As I prayed for you this morning after first reading your blog post, I asked the Lord to give me a song to share w/ you. I ask Him to bring His perfect peace to you again today & again tomorrow until His peace is your healing. Anyway, here's the song, it's called WORN:
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
I LOVE YOU!!! One day I WILL hug you!!!

Reply
Aunt Ann
7/17/2013 07:17:12 am

Kim that was AWESOME! Re you are tired and worn but God is right beside you all the way.He knows your thoughts and your needs just continue to lean on Him.Don't let the offenders trip you up but let the friends who have replied today lift you up with their words of wisdom and their hearts filled with love for you.They are being used by God and De to send you messages from above.

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