Hi all. Let me start by saying. I am fine! Sort of. I am not in a bad place, but I am not in a great place either. I am just kinda stuck… in place.
Let me give you an example. I have this AMAZING canvas for an AMAZING painting I want to do. It’s in my head, I have a picture, I even have the paint (in my closet in the OBX). I left the paints right there in my closet last trip because I was so uninspired I didn’t even feel like digging them out.
I thought this week, get the paints this weekend, again I was like.. meh.
How about another example? I have a half marathon in exactly 15 days.. and not the first clue as to how I am going to do it. I have been so uninspired to workout much less run that I am no where near ready. Do I know for sure I can finish it? Absolutely because that is what I do, but THIS time was to be different I was going to be READY. I am not.
Every night as I lay down I think to myself I need to write about… and by the time my eyes open I don’t even remember what that was or have the first idea what to write about.
I have started no less than 3 knitting projects all which fall by the wayside of the uninspired within a week, I have a Christmas gift from LAST year that needs finishing… I have at least TWO special gifts that need to be made this year and it just isn’t there to do it.
There is a wedding.. a VERY SPECIAL WEDDING in 200 days… I wanted to have lost 100 pounds by that day, I have not lost an ounce in weeks, I have not even tried and frankly I am not sure I care.
I sit here in the morning and think to myself when I get off work put on your shoes go for a walk if nothing else.. by the time I am done work it’s all I can do to muster the energy to fix dinner.
Again I am not sad, I am not depressed, it feels like I am nothing. That I am just here going through some very mundane motions for no reason or purpose.
I would rather feel everything.. than nothing.. I would rather be crazy and inspired than .. dull and lifeless. I am sure my family, however, would disagree.
Everything is just so darn… PLAIN AND VANILLA.
I don’t hear like the music or see the colors like I used to, I think it is too quiet. So while the deep sadness may be at bay, so is the complete joy, creativity and inspiration.
ITS SO DAMN DULL!!!!
Please send in the clowns.
Peace Love and what seems like very dim light,