For the record I don't think everyone hates me so that is good right?
I am not going to lie.. I have not really written a thing in 354 days. Nothing worth while anyway. I have no idea why I do that to myself. (oh wait maybe I did publish a few things on facebook will need to go try to find those later.. anyhooooo). I end up keeping all this stuff bottled up and in and sooner or later I implode, ok ok.. explode into a volcano of emotions that just do not come out in any good way.
Right now I am right in the middle of rock, meets hard place, meets lava, meets tsunami filled with hungry sharks and piranha. It is depression time. I am not unfamiliar with this time of year, it happens EVERY YEAR. It's like you are driving down the road and you SEE the 18 wheeler headed straight for you for a head on collision and your steering wheel breaks off in your hands and all of the doors mysteriously lock and all you can do is sit there in horror watching as it barrels toward the inevitable. I know it is happening, and no matter how many times I say "NO! Not this year!" here it is. Here we are.
Some one (I know you happen to be reading this :) ) told me this weekend to never put myself down again. So much easier said than done. Something happened on Saturday night that had me up most of the night, but the something probably wasn't that big of a something, but because of all of the other things in my heart and head it was huge. I went and I had a talk with my dad about it and in the conversation I relayed, that I was sad, that I missed my home, and I missed my friends, and that Mathews was a very lonely place for me. Which in turn only hurt his feelings, which was NOT the point. It was simply me saying, hey I need a little bit of grace here. This is hard. So I walked away feeling like a selfish spoiled brat.
In this situation I am not the center of the circle. Remember this? (facebook readers it is the circle image)
Side note: I will say this.. there is a little issue with that circle, it should not say "family members" it should say care giver, then family members, because in my experience they are not at all one in the same.
There are a plethora of things that are going "wrong" right now. You all know who I work for, so you can imagine that stress, watching my dad's failing health is utterly gut wrenching, seasonal depression that I can't shake, the grief process that is like a yo yo, having neglected myself and my own health (we won't even talk about how big my ass is right now).. this list just goes on, so I will stop, but the biggest thing stacked against me right now. I am hours and hours and miles and miles away from my support system.
I realize it is kinda shitty to call your closest people a support system and I hope no one takes offense because you are more to me than that. You are my family. You are my people. You are my life. I miss you all so so bad. It is hard to describe how much comfort a cup of coffee with your running buddies (not that I can run a 20th of a mile any longer) 3 or 4 times a week, or your besties calling you to meet for after work drinks, or, hey I have not seen you in a bit lets grab lunch, or afternoon adventures to the grocery store with your sisper, or having some Jackwagon telling you over and over and over that you CAN do it, or and last but most certainly NOT LEAST working 3 or 4 nights a week with your family change your life. I still suffered from the sad and darkness when there but around every corner was support in a network that I chose carefully out of people that I love and loved me. I wasn't the center of attention so please do not misconstrue what I say, but I was part of something bigger than this darkness.
To those that are points of light here in Mathews, please don't be hurt, please know that the sparks of light that you bring to my table are so needed, and so appreciated, but it is also, so different. I am used to scheduling a day alone because my life was so full, Here, to me, it is so very lonely. Here you guys huddle in with your households, there is nothing is wrong with that at all. I celebrate with you that you can find happiness in that and here. Right now I am just hoping that I can find enough to drag me through the pit one more year.
Believe me I KNOW I am a piece of crap for even feeling this way. I should just be grateful that both of my parents are here. I should just be grateful that I am willing and able to help my dad in any and every way possible. AND I AM GRATEFUL!! But at the same time I am sad, I am hurt, I am lonely. This is a very hard task to take on alone, and Ed... if it weren't for you... I would be in the nut house, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE know I love you and each and every step of the way you have been here by me and I so appreciate that, but the truth is it isn't your job, you took on that role on your own and that means so very much to me. Also I hope you know when I end up in eastern state this is on you, I am sorry, I know you didn't sign up for this.
So now that I have gotten 99% percent of my total shit feelings off of my chest I am going to sit back and think about how much of a spoiled complete piece of crap I am and cry a bit more, (At least crying seems to help some) but I want to end on this note...
A few weeks ago my mom witnessed me completely and calmly take charge and control of a pretty traumatic scene. A few days later she said to my dad that some time ago he said she and I were exactly alike, but that he was right and wrong, that she saw that night I did get her ability to set aside what is actually happening in front of me and ensure that all the right things happen, you know so no one dies, but that I also have something all mine, that I will tell you what I think in a heart beat. Well mom, you are right, and you are wrong, for months I have held in how I feel, you know except to those I trusted to cry to, and this is where I am, a bundle of nerves, anger and on the verge of feelings I don't want to feel for another human, so you have been wrong about that, until now. Sorry Mom.
The last thing I have to say today is this.
If you happen to find yourself in your happy place again in the future.. you know the one.. the one that I made home, the home that I have not seen in months.. I hope you have fun, I really do, but I also hope you think to ask if maybe you could bring me my mail, or ride by and just check my house, or maybe even let us know you aren't in town... you know in case something happens.
You have hurt me for the last time and I have enough on my plate that I refuse to excuse your actions anymore and I won't just try to keep pushing it down, because frankly you are not going to be the reason I snap.
Love and Peace,
The only child