I should be feeling incredible happiness today. I should be delighted in the strides I have made in 6 weeks. I lost 5lbs on the scale which does not seem like a lot so the inches tell the true story. I am down 21.5 inches as of yesterday. I quit smoking 6 weeks ago today. I finished bootcamp and while I had to miss a few days I made sure I was in a gym working out. All of this while helping a friend through a cancer diagnosis and surgery (everything is ok there now... Just still recovering).
Its not enough. It wasn't enough. I still feel like a failure as I trudged around the monument this morning coming in well after the rest of the runners. I shouldn't be there... I shouldnt be last, I allowed time to slip away and wasted it. Life happened and I let it and it tried to kill me.
Someone once said.. To find yourself you have to first lose yourself. I'm not here either.
Sometimes, at least for me, the greatest battle isn't actually putting in the work, its the war that goes on daily in my own head and heart. "How can you think you did good, that this mattered? How can you sit there smuggky thinking you did it? You made it 6 weeks down the road and what do you have to show for it? You're still fat... You can't run a whole mile and no matter what you do... You failed her. You had one job in life and you failed. It doesn't matter what you do... You can't fix that. And what did you do with the three years since? Threw those away too didn't you.... Yup Re great job out there ... What a success"
Today is one of those terribly hard days when all I can do is cry. It happens. It may happen tomorrow too I don't know I'm not there yet. But tears or no tears the only thing I know is .... "Don't give... Don't ever give up"
Its not enough. It wasn't enough. I still feel like a failure as I trudged around the monument this morning coming in well after the rest of the runners. I shouldn't be there... I shouldnt be last, I allowed time to slip away and wasted it. Life happened and I let it and it tried to kill me.
Someone once said.. To find yourself you have to first lose yourself. I'm not here either.
Sometimes, at least for me, the greatest battle isn't actually putting in the work, its the war that goes on daily in my own head and heart. "How can you think you did good, that this mattered? How can you sit there smuggky thinking you did it? You made it 6 weeks down the road and what do you have to show for it? You're still fat... You can't run a whole mile and no matter what you do... You failed her. You had one job in life and you failed. It doesn't matter what you do... You can't fix that. And what did you do with the three years since? Threw those away too didn't you.... Yup Re great job out there ... What a success"
Today is one of those terribly hard days when all I can do is cry. It happens. It may happen tomorrow too I don't know I'm not there yet. But tears or no tears the only thing I know is .... "Don't give... Don't ever give up"
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