I want to take a minute and explain my absence, not because I have to explain to anyone, but for myself. What started the "writers block" ... I did. Once again I allowed everything to encroach on my space, my time, and by everything I mean myself. Seriously.. I did this. I stopped setting my alarm and I slept until I woke up (still pretty early for most but not early enough to sit with my thoughts. I went right back into hopping into work before my coffee was even finished brewing. My mind set was I need to get to work so I can get off and take care of (fill in blank).. or cut the grass.. or water the plants.. or fill in the blank with whatever excuse I was providing myself and boy oh boy have there been a lot of excuses.
Those excuses also led right into me not working out, it was always lets do it tomorrow.. it's too damn hot and you have xyz you can do now. Honestly though... it was too damn hot to be out there.. but there is Penny... it was an excuse, it is still an excuse. While we are on the excuses topic... all of this led right into me eating like CRAP! If I was a good mama, I would have been like, this is what I am fixing this is what we are eating, because the boy could stand to lose a pound or two himself, instead he got the mama that doesn't want to rock the boat, sure you want chicken nuggies and fries.. no problem! Milkshakes.. let me get you the stuff. Oh rice or noodles with dinner? Sure! Granted I can pass the nuggies and milkshakes, but I didn't do so hot with the cake that I brought in for him. Will power 0... zeeeeRO!
Where is all of this coming from, why is this happening?? You were doing soooo good Re! Yesterday in the middle of my melt down I reached out to my sweet friend, no that is a lie I didn't reach out.. I sent her a message that was nothing short of an emotional avalanche and very shortly she sent back .. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.. because I had. We chatted for awhile and we were going back and forth with so many "GIRL SAME!!!!" it was almost like we were talking to ourselves! We both realized that summer was a struggle and likely always would be, it's hard to set a routine there are so many moving parts and it makes sense, we are boat people, we are weekend warriors that bleed into the week, we have friends and family that we spend as much time as possible with. There are cookouts and go outs and all kinds of food around, it is just hard. When I reached out I had zero idea that we were dealing with our own things, but at the end of the conversation neither of us felt alone in our struggles, while I hate that someone else is struggling too I was grateful I reached out.
Fast forward a couple of hours and I received a message from another sweet friend. She just said (ad libbing a bit) "Hey I know you have been quiet lately. I noticed that it started when your Aunt passed away" I thought about that quiet a bit as the day went on. You have been quiet since your Aunt died... you were quiet when Rachel died... you didn't even cry... you didn't cry when Aunt Ann died.. not like that anyway.. not in a grieving way. You even mentioned how jaded you were to death because it just didn't bother you like that anymore, but doesn't it?
These two women, were a huge part of my life. They were aunts in every aspect of the word. They weren't those people that you saw two or three times in your life, they were women who helped guide and mold me (yes that was a heck of a job I know) they loved me for who I was even if they didn't understand some of me. They never didn't answer when I called, and they were never not there. In the course of a year I lost both of these women. I wrote their final words, I created the video of their memories... and I walked away. There were no goodbyes, there was no grieving, there was nothing... I walked right into taking care of my dad, drake, working insane hours, helping anyone anyway I could, is that a project? How can I help? What can I do for you? The yard needs cutting, Oh let me make this meal that takes 236 hours. Don't write, don't try to write. Your too busy, you don't want to know what is in there, DO NOT WRITE. Don't think, you think the whole time you run.. DO NOT THINK.. DO NOT RUN! Do not slow down... fill every single moment.... every single moment, until you fall into bed at night in exhaustion.. do not dream. Do not dream. Don't do it.. your gonna go crazy if you do. don't. do. it. They were your aunts, you don't deserve to grieve like that, they had children, they grieve, you don't. Fill your hours, drink another beer, you do not deserve to grieve.
Needless to say I have been playing an ugly game with myself. Death.. means nothing if you ignore it. Until it becomes so big that you can't. Until it keeps you from your dreams and goals because you are so busy hiding from it you can't focus on you, because if you look at you... you see it. You see the falling apart, you see the sadness, you see the person that is not strong at all.
I debated about even writing this, sharing this, then I thought maybe I am not alone in this either. Aunt Ann would have read it, there would have been words. Some kindness, some offering of support in the truth even if she didn't like the truth. Or maybe she would have given me a swift kick in the pants and told me to get over it already.. who knows. In the end... I obviously decided to share.
Now where is the next project.. anyone need any help???
Peace Love and Light