I finally had time to talk to Dr A Amazing this past week, I say talk but truthfully I sobbed the entire time. Why you ask? Because she asked the simple question of "What are you doing to take care of you?" I laughed and then I just cried for the remainder of the hour. So why the hell are you crying Re? Because there is not enough hours in a day that is why.
And this is where things got sideways, we talked about all I do and all I take on, and my favorite lines of "I got it! No worries!" and without a doubt I do! Because this is who I am and this is what I do and this is exactly where I belong, but, ... you knew there was one of those right? But... it doesn't mean that I can't look at those around me and say.. "Hey, I am doing xyz this week and I really need you to abc for me please." Seems a little counter intuitive doesn't it? Me handing off my chores so I could help someone else... SSCCCREEEEECCCCCHHHHHH and this is where the whole apple cart dumped right out. She said .. "What are YOUR chores?" I listed off some things and again she stopped me and said, "Those sound like household chores.." Me again.. "Well I suppose but it is my household so...." You see where this is going right? For so long I was Ms Dad and Ms Mom all on my own that when the times shifted and I had a partner in life and the kid was grown I didn't know what to do but keep on doing what I did, which was everything. I left my appointment with homework .. I had to talk to Drake about helping more (I did .. he is) and I have to not be afraid to ask Ed to do things (he says I already do and he already does.. insert shruggy more on that in a minute). So away I went with my homework.... Sounds easy right? Nope not even.
Thursday evening I ran across this little clip. It was a woman talking about the best thing her therapist had ever told her. It came at the perfect time as I was still reeling in the revelation that I could and should ask for help, even as I was helping others. Her therapist told me... Your 100% is not the same as everyone else's 100%. At first I was like .. wait what??? 100% is 100% .. the glass is full or it isn't. there is no difference.... ahhhh but the size of the glass. I have one of those "fits a whole bottle of wine" glasses, I don't think I ever looked at it that way, but as the message started really resonating, I thought of a conversation I had at work, we were talking about work ethic and a statement was made that it is a proven fact that you only get 80% out of employees, the other 20% of your day is distracted, or goofing off. That floored me. I argued the point and said that is not possible, that when I am on the clock I give 100%, it was responded with... but you are different. When the one and only thing you really want out of life is to find where you belong and be part of something meaningful one of the last things you want to hear is "You are different." Not that I have ever minded BEING different... but I think you get the point. They did go on to say that no one can keep up with you, that you stay in a hyper focused state when you are working that no normal person actually can keep up with. Ed actually says the same thing.. that he just can't keep up with me, which leads back to the me asking him to do things, I don't think I ask that much but again my glass is HUGE so I am probably asking a ton.
So here I am Thursday losing my mind on poor Dr A Amazing and no one did it to me but me. I put those chains on myself, I put that burden on myself. I have to give 135% all of the time and when you stop to consider my 100% is different than "normal" it is no wonder I am a sobbing mess. It's where I belong and who I am though, what I am not is a summation of house hold chores, mundane crap that others can help with. (Thank you Ed for cutting the grass and Drake for helping out) What I am is how I can help others and that is what sustains me, but what I really need is a bit more fine tuning so things specifically for me, cooking correctly, writing, working out, running, paddle boarding are not the LAST things on the list but falling somewhere in the middle.
So here I am Re-setting, Re-starting, Re-focusing, and Re-adjusting so that maybe I save that extra 35% for myself. :)
I'm a little all over the place sorry for that.. just needed to get the words out, the emotion of it all out, and put on my flip flops and messy bun and head out to do all that needs doing.
Peace Love and Light