I hope you all had a wonderful weekend! Mine ended on a lovely note. :) There was paddle boarding, beaching, a few beers, laughs and just good quality time. Saturday on the other hand was the opposite of that completely. I still can't say this was the reason, or that was the reason, it just was what it was. I was sad or mad or something, either way I was completely out of sorts.
The one thing that struck me out of all of it, not one.. not two.. but three different people said "I'm worried about you" Me being me.. "Eh.. why do that I am always fine!" which is a complete and utter lie sorta, I am not ALWAYS fine, sometimes I am way off kilter, sorta like now but not really. Clear as mud right?
Am I ok? Yes right this very moment I am ok.
What can you do to help me be more ok? Not a thing, seriously, I am as okest as I am going to be right now.
Are you taking your meds? Yup.. most of the time.. weekends it is hard to remember for some reason but the majority of the time yes I am taking them.
Are you working, cleaning, doing as usual? Yes still holding down the fort, it may not be immaculate but it is not falling down either. I am still looking for ways to make people smile and help them anyway I can.
Are you working out? Errrhmmmm no
Are you eating ok? Errrrhhhmmmm no
Are you putting yourself first? Errrrhhhmmm no
So what does that mean really? It means I am a little off kilter but the wheels have not completely fallen off the car. Should you worry about me? Not really. What is, is what is. If I am fat until the day I die.. that is my issue. If I drink too much and party a little too hard at times should you worry? No.. not at all. It is what it is. If I eat the same food as you is that a problem? No.. why would it be, you are eating it, I haven't seen you stop, so why you worried about my plate?
As I laid in bed last night I was trying to figure out why people worry like that. Why do I even worry like that? It is ... is the word hypocritical?
Remember, you told me when the kids died that it was their time, nothing I could have done would have changed that. Remember when you told me that my days were numbered before I was born, it was written in the book of life, remember? Remember when I cried when death after death happened, and you said it was just their time? So explain to me why we worry about any of it? I see no real sense in it, nothing I do is going to prolong or shorten that date that was written ... right?
I am not a mean or hateful person, I do my best to help anyone that needs it. I actually go out of my way trying to find ways to help others. I am actually better at lifing when I have something I am doing for someone else. Are some of you going to be a little miffed at my post today, likely, but you know what.. that's ok.
Want to know what my biggest worries are? What you think of me. I know, I know, you are thinking but Re, you have always been different, without a care of fitting it. No.. not true, I have always been different yes, but when the house is quiet, when there is no one there but me, the thoughts that race through my mind are spinning out of control because one of the things I want more than anything is to fit in..... 50 and I still feel like a grade schooler... do you think they like me?
I saw X today, did I say something stupid, oh I said ABC I wonder if they think I am weird.
I have not heard from W in weeks they must be mad at me, what did I do?
It goes on and on ... stupid things really, because as it was pointed out to me recently, the likelihood that they even thought of me past that initial encounter was slim, but me I play over the meeting, every word, every gesture, every everything... because I know in there I did something wrong.
These are the things I worry about. What did my weirdness do to you? Why are they sticking around, no one can put up with my kind of crazy right? You told me how bad I was, I didn't forget that, I still wonder daily if I am a good person now? I know I am fat, I can see that in the mirror, I don't really need you to ask me if I lost the next 5 pounds, why can't you just love me like I am? Why is my weight something you worry about?
So what is really going on here? I still have no self worth, I don't believe in myself enough to even understand why I have people in my life without questioning each and every thing about why they are there and even when they are, what have I done or said by just being me that is going to make them leave?
So yup I go through periods of extreme questioning, especially when there are no helping projects on the table but my life is still a bit upside down. I don't know for sure that here is where I am supposed to be, or is it there? Some days it appears the path is clear to spend time at home, others it is littered with obstacles. Maybe I am just exhausted and don't feel like I have done enough to even be tired so why am I exhausted? AND WHY WON'T THIS FLY LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!
Today I just want to know .. why the hell my wiring is so completely fucked up!
Please excuse the melt down.. you are all free to rejoin your regularly scheduled Monday's. Make it an awesome one and don't worry about me.. I'm not broken.. just a little bent.
Peace Love and Light