I just wanted to hop on and let you know that no I am not in fact losing it again... I already lost it. No seriously though... I am ok. I just needed to admit that it is OK TO GRIEVE that just because I grieve the worst imaginable grief does not mean that any other loses are "easier" and that is ok.
I have found myself in the actual funeral home for the first time in 8 years 4 times in the last few weeks.. 4 times. After not setting foot in the building... 4 times. Let me just tell you .. PTSD is real. I don't care who you are... it is REAL. The way that place feels... it is just this overwhelming blanket of sadness.. and that smell. I don't even want to talk about it here the smell is that bad. So what did I do? The first time I lost my mind... but when I walked out I stuffed that crap down so far that the second time I just felt dead to it (pun intended) the third and fourth were no different.. I allowed myself to feel nothing. Anyone who knows me knows that I never feel nothing, I feel all kinds of crap around me, always. That is how hard I was holding up those walls, I was not going to let it bother me. BUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Do you know how exhausting that is? Not allowing yourself to feel what you need? I don't recommend it.... 1 out of 5 stars for sure. I do it often though. As my sisper pointed out yesterday, we do that.. don't allow ourselves to feel what we need at that moment and then weeks, months, even years later we are absolutely losing our minds over something completely different because we didn't deal with the original pile of dog poo in the room.
Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
Even when you fall apart
It's how we were raised.. weren't we?
So here I am today, I am ok this morning. Seriously I am just fine, but I also know I have some work to do, what I have done the last few weeks is just not healthy, I can't go around the obstacles in life and expect that they won't affect me, as badly as I just want to be good to go, life is what it is life. And there are two things you can count on .. birth and death.. it's time to start facing both of those things again. It's time..
Do you have things in life that you just think are easier to not face and skirt around them? Does it end up biting you in the rear about the time you think you are by it?
Peace Love and Light