I hope you are having a happy Saturday!
Wondering what is up with the ? and the interesting images? Well let me tell you. I am feeling.. some type of way this morning. I used to hate that saying.. "feeling some type of way" I used to think how stupid it was to say that.. then I started realizing that very often I felt exact that... "some type of way" neither good nor bad, neither happy nor sad, neither rested or exhausted. It was just the ? feeling. I knew and know I feel SOMETHING but what that something is .. I don't know. It's like I could sit here and cry for an hour or I could put on a comedy and laugh for an hour.. either way ok. I could put on my boots and work all day or I could stay in my jammies and knit... either way ok. I could cook an amazing dinner (last nights dinner was disgusting... smoked burgers were a fail) or I could go out tonight.. either way ok. BUT.. I don't FEEL OK. Something is brewing.. I just don't know what.
So when I found myself frustrated at a simple task this morning, I decided maybe I should write. Because I am feeling "?" that is exactly what I typed into my google search "? Images" thinking I would get some cool question marks.. Nope. I got what you see above as well as dozens of other amazing images. I sat there for a second, sipping my bloody mary, and just gazed at the wonder of it. Then I thought about the wonder of feeling.. something.. but nothing. How does one do that? And when they do.. do they get to chose which side of it all they land on? I hate to say it but I do feel a tingle of sad, that first nerve grating, that paper cut in the armor that I have careful tried to keep in place, even as life was catching me all off guard and out of sorts, I thought I would be able to handle it all. Technically I DID handle it all, all of the crap that life threw at me. Here I am standing in the middle of it all still and it is all beaten down and laying around the room like a bad scene from 1970s Batman. Wriggling in pain and not able to get up. I have beaten back everything.. all of it. Until all that is left standing here again is... Me. But just like in those bad scenes.. I am batman, I have my fist up, swinging from left to right, looking all around, waiting for one of them to get up and come at me. There is no rest, even in the end, because you know it is coming.
I know some of you are thinking.. oh great.. HERE WE GO AGAIN. Maybe.. maybe not... I am not sure. I imagine that Monday will tell the tale. Why Monday? Because all good things start on Mondays. No seriously.. I don't know. Its just me giving myself a couple more days to readjust, which is probably utterly ridiculous, because is that me just allowing myself to fall back a little deeper in the hole? I'm not at the bottom, I am still steps and steps away from where I was, but I am holding on with my finger tips to the edge.
So what is my issue today... I have no plans. I don't know what to do when all the dragons are slain, when life is tired of throwing oranges at me and I am still mounted on my trusty steed (I have never had a trusty steed .. where did that even come from), there are no projects lined up, or things that absolutely need doing, the patients are caring for themselves, and all is quiet. Except my mind. it's pummeled with thoughts of how do I get back to taking care of me? How do I pull the trigger on eating correctly, and running omg I have a half in less than two months. Monday has to be the day... absolutely must.
If not.. then I have truly failed myself... again.
Peace Love and Light