I do not think anyone has ever been so happy to have an aching back before in their life, but here I am, sore and happy!
As you can imagine for the past few weeks, it has definitely been weeks, I have been off. Just off. I couldn't put my finger on it, I could not put into words what I was feeling and why. I just knew I felt bad and everything was eating at me. I questioned if it was this.. I thought it was that.. and then it would just keep right on eating at me.
Ed asked me the other day when it all got really bad, "Are you mad at yourself or are you mad at the world?" My only response was "I don't know.. both maybe?" I am mad at myself for not continuing on with my journey as I was, I need to do better with that, and I will. I am sitting down tonight and making a grocery list and will head to Gloucester to get the things I need tomorrow and be back in time for the Wharf Work out with Hope! I will strap my ugly shoes on and ride Penny again today, I am starting out slow again, but I PLAN on riding every day this week for a minimum of 20 minutes. I am going to add my weights back in and as soon as the weather drops below 80 I will get on with my training for the half. I have a plan and it will be a ok.
So Re why the sudden turn around, yesterday seemed really bad, Sunday was super bad? I woke up this morning and before I got out of bed I took inventory. Keep in mind this was almost at 6 am. You guys know I am usually awake by 430 these days right? Nope.. later and later and later I have been sleeping, to the point that this weekend I didn't get out of bed until 8 one morning AND we had not even stayed up super late. As I laid there I thought to myself.. why are you sleeping so late... and why the hell is your back hurting.. AGAIN! Wait.. what? Your back... when was the last time you woke up and it wasn't hurting? When was the last time that you didn't wake up multiple times in the night trying to get comfortable because your back is hurting.... Remember yesterday when you said you feel exhausted but you also feel like you have not done anything to be tired much less exhausted? Well how exhausted would you be if you can't recall the last good nights sleep you got???
You are not going nuts Re... you are not sleeping! It's why you can't say what is wrong, why you can't put your finger on why you are so down. You aren't down.. you are tired. This is why you have not felt like it.. it being all the things you love. I imagine that this has been going on since June 13th.. so a bit over two months now and it fits! The time line fits!
So what do we do about that now? Simple.. nothing. I don't have much of a choice in sleeping arrangements until I can get Drake home and that is likely going to be a few more weeks. I get that this is not exactly ideal but at least I have some answers as to why I am feeling all out of sorts.
It was also brought to my attention that I require down time, alone time and that I always have. I thought about this last night for awhile and realized that since June I have not been alone... AT ALL! (trips to the grocery store do not count) It was a very true statement. It is something I require, I require that time to engage with myself to focus on me, if there is someone else around.. nope not going to happen. I have a hard time even taking the time to sit down and read, even after I told Ed just a few weeks ago how very much I missed reading! I have only been tanning twice since Drake's accident and that was a HUGE me time, reset, restart, rejuvenate, and I just stopped. Ed and I have snuck off for drinks... are you ready for this.. TWICE since June... twice. We have been out on the boat a total of 4 times this summer, twice getting caught in rain storms and the 4th on Sunday was also cut short!
Have I mentioned that I am sleeping on the floor (on a mattress) in my office?? So 90% of my time is spent in one room! 95% of Drake's time is spent in one room. We are freaking prisoners in our own house.. well my own house. well Ed's house, you get the point.
Here I am trying to figure out why I am all of a sudden crashing, why the sadness is creeping back in. How can one NOT BE SAD?? In two months time Drake and I have spent every moment of our lives literally imprisoned. We drug poor Ed along for the ride. It's a wonder we all aren't trying to kill each other. We aren't.. I think we are all just doing the very best we can with a less than ideal situation. I obviously would not change it for anything, he's my boy, I would do it all over again if needed (do not break anything else Drake.. I will not be happy) but it is a crying shame that it took a week over two months to figure out how damn draining this is on ALL OF US.
Today though.. all I am feeling is RELIEF that this feeling of the morbs is more about the situation and less about my brain losing it in the depression again. I am grateful I took the time to really self evaluate what I was truly feeling and being able to realize that what I was feeling was not that of depression, that there had to be something else, and to keep looking. I am not all that thrilled that my back hurts still but this morning has been a load off of my shoulders! (see what I did there)
Anyhooodles.. that is where I am today.. grateful that my back hurts and that there is light at the end of the tunnel!!! (please don't let it be a train!)
Hope you all are having a wonderful day!
Peace Love and Light