I wish I could explain this to anyone.. I can't, not well enough to for someone who doesn't feel it to understand it.
I keep saying it is loud. Because it is loud. It is loud in my head, that weird too many noises loud that you can't focus on the conversation someone is trying to have with you. Sitting in an overcrowded bar with no baffling and having someone try to explain quantum physics to you for a test you have to take loud. And when I lay down at night it is quips and phrases that flash through the loudness and stirs the whole thing and you just can't grasp on to the one thing you should be thinking about, so your eyes may close but the colors continue to flash with the brightness of summer lightening. Until finally I pass out from the insane amount of crap I have to take to make it slow down, with the last thought being please let it be quiet tomorrow. It hasn't been yet.
So I do the one thing I know how to do .. as my daddy calls it "I click". I sit in front of my computer and work because I can make that make sense because half of it makes no sense at all and that is ok. The only thing that makes noise is my incredibly loud keyboard and it is almost a rhythm that puts my mind at some ease.
I don't want to be around people, it is way too peoply and it is just so damn loud and frankly uncomfortable. So right now I just need time to get the shitstorm to quiet down I am sure it will when it is ready, it always does but for right now I just need the understanding that when I am ready I will, because I always do.
What I need people to truly understand is when this happens, while I would at any other time tell you that the people who love me aren't judging me.. that is what my brain is currently screaming. Hell at times it is telling me you are judging me on things that people don't even know about!!! Like how would you know I put on yesterday's socks.. no way in hell you would.. but if I saw you in the store my grey matter would be saying.. "The know.. they can smell your old socks.. you are disgusting.. they know you are disgusting... RUN!" FYI I put on clean socks this morning but I think you get the point. So it is just easier to not.
And do not get me started on eye contact... immediately find a different focus because if you don't.. they will see how ugly it is in here and hate me....
Yea it's that crazy in here.
Send Peace.
I keep saying it is loud. Because it is loud. It is loud in my head, that weird too many noises loud that you can't focus on the conversation someone is trying to have with you. Sitting in an overcrowded bar with no baffling and having someone try to explain quantum physics to you for a test you have to take loud. And when I lay down at night it is quips and phrases that flash through the loudness and stirs the whole thing and you just can't grasp on to the one thing you should be thinking about, so your eyes may close but the colors continue to flash with the brightness of summer lightening. Until finally I pass out from the insane amount of crap I have to take to make it slow down, with the last thought being please let it be quiet tomorrow. It hasn't been yet.
So I do the one thing I know how to do .. as my daddy calls it "I click". I sit in front of my computer and work because I can make that make sense because half of it makes no sense at all and that is ok. The only thing that makes noise is my incredibly loud keyboard and it is almost a rhythm that puts my mind at some ease.
I don't want to be around people, it is way too peoply and it is just so damn loud and frankly uncomfortable. So right now I just need time to get the shitstorm to quiet down I am sure it will when it is ready, it always does but for right now I just need the understanding that when I am ready I will, because I always do.
What I need people to truly understand is when this happens, while I would at any other time tell you that the people who love me aren't judging me.. that is what my brain is currently screaming. Hell at times it is telling me you are judging me on things that people don't even know about!!! Like how would you know I put on yesterday's socks.. no way in hell you would.. but if I saw you in the store my grey matter would be saying.. "The know.. they can smell your old socks.. you are disgusting.. they know you are disgusting... RUN!" FYI I put on clean socks this morning but I think you get the point. So it is just easier to not.
And do not get me started on eye contact... immediately find a different focus because if you don't.. they will see how ugly it is in here and hate me....
Yea it's that crazy in here.
Send Peace.
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