I "stole" this image right off of someones wall.. I have a habit of "stealing" from said person. Her Kitchen Aide mixer is currently residing in my pantry, her eye ball ring on my window sill, her shoes are not in my closet but that is only because I have not been able to find them, so I am pretty sure she won't be all to surprised to see this being recycled on my blog. Anyhoo.. there it is.. and they were just too perfect not to use.

It is important to point out that I do know I post about my emotions and feelings and where I am in life at the moment a lot. Hell I post a lot period but there are very good reasons I post about where I am in life. It's not for attention as some have stated.. well maybe it is but not self fulfilling attention. It is to bring attention and awareness to a problem. A problem I have, a problem others have, a problem that you .. you reading this may have. I just have this ability to write about it, so that is what I do.

Some times like yesterday it was a cry for help. Some days it is just because I need to get the words out of my head. Some days it isn't even about me and more about something I have witnessed in someone else. There are some important things to understand in all of this, I will try to discuss them now.

First and foremost, I do know I am playing a dangerous game with my own life. It is not for everyone, I don't suggest or even being to imagine that anyone should try to do it. No, that does not mean I think I am better than others, or have more fight in me, in all honestly it may mean I am flat out stupid, but it is where I am right now. I have medical diagnoses for what is wrong with me, it is more acronyms than I care to go into and if you really want to know I don't mind telling you but it is irrelevant to this discussion. They want me medicated, the same they that didn't want to give me an antibiotic when I felt like I was dying, actually want me to take more pills in a days time that there are days in the week. Nope, no thank you. This problem I have is like the words above say... a wave.. it is a disgusting ugly nasty black tidal wave.. but a wave. It isn't an endless pit, a black hole into nothingness, an ocean of misery, it's a wave. The darkness will subside and the sun will shine again, the problem is if I was medicated not only does the darkness stay away so does the light and you end up living in a gray area that doesn't matter at all.  I don't want that to be my life. I deserve more than gray.

Second thing I know, the light is an amazing place to live, but sometimes I burn just a little too brightly and the light gets me in trouble too. I might take risks that others wouldn't dream of, I might spend more money than I have, or I may create an amazing piece of art and throw it away because one thing wasn't right. So far I have managed to control that to a degree and I continue to try.

Next up.. my weight. I work out a lot. I know most of you think why doesn't she weigh 0 by now. Well because of a couple of things. Food and Wine never fail you, they never leave you and they never die. They make very good friends, I didn't say that they don't hurt you, but it is very easy to turn to them. That is why. I know I need to try harder to eat right and drink less. I will get there, just not today I am sure.

I smile. I laugh. I have a good time. I enjoy my friends and family. I walk my Banx. I snuggle with Ilona's doggies. I take pictures. I post funny stuff. I work out. I show up. I do many things that don't look like depression, I think this confuses people into thinking I am ok. Just because I look ok on the outside, does not mean I am not drowning on the inside.

I am exhausted. Physically and Mentally. Yes I do sleep but it is not sleep I need. I need peace.

I am in pain. Physically and Mentally. I don't know which is causing which anymore.

The most important thing you need to know, goes back to the first thing. I know how dangerous this is. I know I am standing on the edge of a cliff watching the wave come barreling at me. I know all it would take was for me to falter just once and it would take me out to sea. For right now I am hanging on, I know there is sunshine right on the other side, but, if ever it takes me, don't be sad, I have been ready to go for a long time.

Love and Peace,
Re

I read something a bit ago about tears... tears come when you don't have the words to express how bad it hurts. At the moment I would agree to a point, because the words make no sense.

Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel like an utter and complete failure? Why can't I just accept that I won't ever be good enough?  You are supposed to be happy for others successes right? Me I always wonder what I did so wrong.

Why don't I have the nice house? Why don't I have the awesome vehicle? Where the hell is my loving husband?

Why did my kids die?

What did I do so incredibly wrong in this life that at every turn I am complete and utter failure. Why do I have to fight this hard to just want to live not to mention the act of actually living?

Why does this life HAVE to be so DAMN HARD!!!

I was truly not sure this time if the pieces would ever come together as anything recognizable or just remain an ugly tangled jumble of broken fragments of a life that ended before my heart stopped beating, but some how, some way, I am starting to see the beauty of it all falling together.

I don't think my puzzle will ever fall into a glorious image, and I won't allude myself to even think it is possible, because there are pieces that will forever be a source of sadness and pain, however, those pieces when paired with all of the others make the wonderful pieces shine so much clearer, because they are a gift. It is December 2nd, just making it to this date and still being able to see the beauty in the world is amazing enough in it self, but looking forward to more happiness this month is extra special. I am still holding on with all my might, there are bad days, not weeks or months, just days and they are quickly put to rest by having a clear plan. I never miss a work out, that is my plan, it sounds absolutely silly but there is only one day a week that I don't have a planned work out and that is the coveted rest day and generally involves a lot of goodness or just healthy nothingness, so if a bad day falls there I allow it. Now back to the plan, so let's say it is Monday and I wake up and my heart is hurting, I know that come noon I will be in the gym, regardless of heart hurts or tears, I will be in the gym and an hour later I will emerge completely soaked in sweat and feeling accomplished.  It is very hard to allow sadness into your mind when you are struggling to ensure that a bar bell doesn't crush you. For a solid hour I literally have to put everything I have in me on the work out. There is no time to stay lost in memories, and when it is all over somewhere in my heart I always hear "You did it Mom".

While so many people have personally congratulated me on how far I have come with my work outs in just 3 months. (we aren't talking about that stupid scale.. it isn't my friend) The strides I have made in my health and my strength have been quite amazing I will say that myself, but what they don't see is that all of this work is the glue that is holding me together and putting the puzzle back together in an image of beauty not a darkened sadness of a life lost.

I don't know where this road is leading me, I have goals, I have dreams and I know that I want to help people who feel helpless, I know that the puzzle will fall together in good time for that, but for right now I am going to spend each and every day battling for an image of beauty, because before the darkness comes I am going to fill my world with so much light that it will only seem to be a tiny speck of dust.

Much love and peace.
Re

More than one person asked me today if I was ok.. or what was wrong. The answer.. the hell if I know. I think I am ok, I didn't think anything was wrong. I am a bit achy with the temp drop but other than that I am ok. That in it self is probably the problem. I am ok.

Do not get me wrong.. ok is.. well ok. It is better than I have been in a long time but I want to be GREAT! I am really not grumpy, I am just determined, and maybe just a little frustrated. I want to be stronger, faster, and well smaller. I think that will help with the achy a lot.

It is still difficult for me to watch the faster groups move on along without me. It takes me a bit to warm up, but once I get the joints moving I am doing better and can keep up more. It's just that first half a mile or so.. good grief. I have noticed I do better with someone running along side of me. I work harder to keep the pace but let's face it when you are a "in between" no one has the same pace so it is very hard to have a partner to help push you along. Its really kind of odd to be honest. I have never been much on partner running, mainly because I was always the slow caboose but I find myself longing for that person that will help push me along.

The other thing that I have been dodging and hiding and skirting around, it's fall. Its that time of year that everything in my heart implodes and I miss my babies more than ever. Its that time of year when families come together and enjoy each other and so much of mine is heaven that it truly just hurts to breath at times.

But I will make it through, I always do.
Besides I have goals!

March 1/2 Marathon with Drake
April 1/2 Marathon with the crew in Rehobeth
May 2 Spartans

I have to be ok.

So there you have it... nothing is wrong. I am just ok.

Love and Peace
Re

Over the last few weeks I have noticed a trend with some of my friends and on Facebook in general, lots of sadness, darkness, hate, jealousy... people being unfriended and blocked because they voted different, because they are in a different place in life, because they are happy. Relationships and long time friendships being rocked... over what?

Believe me, I of ALL people know how hard it is to be depressed and in a darkness when the entire world seems to just be moving along in happiness. I myself wanted to scream STOP BEING SO DAMN HAPPY! I wanted everyone's world to come to a screeching halt as mine did.. and today.. today I am so enormously thankful that it did not and that some how I got through it with most of my friends intact. (we won't go through the details of the Great Falling out of 2013.. but it turned around to where it needed to be). It was brought to my attention that I posted lots of my negative feelings all over Facebook some times hourly, yes I did. I used it as a tool to not only work through issues myself but to maybe help others realize they weren't alone, but I do not recall unfriending people based on their own happiness, religious or political thoughts, or even threatening to unfriend.

One of the things that got me through the worst of times, was the positive people, even though witnessing their happiness added a twinge to my heart. The people that were happy and moving on with life, some after great tragedy themselves, gave me hope. Imagine if you will a world of people in the same exact place you are, if everyone is pitted in a deep sadness, who is going to be able to give anyone hope that it will get better? Imagine if everyone is happy all the time, we would not see any change in the world for the better, we would be stuck in a rut of just the same. I am so incredibly grateful for the different people in my life, even today. While I am in a wonderful place emotionally and physically (even if the scale nor tape measure moved this week) the others what are not so happy remind me of where I was, where I have come from, and to continue to trudge along and to try to reach out a helping hand.

Why do I say try to reach out a helping hand, because some people aren't ready for help. I get that, I was there. Plenty of people tried to help me and I just couldn't grasp the hand yet and thankfully when I was ready I had not alienated them to the point they no longer wanted to help me. Have I had to leave a few people along the way, yes, there were a few that benefited from my sadness as I fit better into their lives with it. I have had to walk away from a couple negative people as there just wasn't a purpose, but the positive people HOLD ON TO THOSE!

So what am I saying here, in this time of uncertainty, regardless if it is in your personal life, political, about your job, or your family, don't make me apologize for being ok. Don't condemn me for trying so hard to be the best me I can be. Don't make me feel bad for being the happiest I have been in years.

Don't make me apologize for seeing the light.

Peace and Love and full of Thankfulness,
Re

Another angelversary has come, 3 years 6 months and 22 minutes right now. It has not gotten easier, it has gotten different. There are moments that stop me in my tracks and drop me to my knees still, I have a feeling that will happen for the remainder of my life, and that is ok. Moments in time is absolutely acceptable, and I think you will fully agree, but I know in my heart that you do not want me dwelling there. You would not want me to be stuck between life and death, you would want me to live.

It has taken me all of this time to get to the point where I feel like I could breathe again, where I could be again. This morning was number who even knows anymore bootcamp graduation. It was so incredibly surreal when Trusz had us stand on the ledge and look out over the ocean, he didn't even know that the last time I did that, it was you standing on that ledge with me, looking out over the same ocean, I smiled and remembered your pride and your smile that day. I glanced around and found your brother and I saw in him what I saw in you that day. I know with all my heart you stood with us this morning ... because as Chris said... "Just because you can't see it does not mean it is not there".... he had no clue how those simple words sang to my heart.

I love you my sweet beautiful angel.
With all my love always,
Mommy

In 9 short days it will have been 3 years and 6 months since my beautiful daughter was alive. That is almost the same amount of time I have spent dying. Sure I was breathing, I was moving, I was present, but I was barely there. My physical being was going through the motions day in and day out.. hell I even ran a marathon during that time, but my soul and spirit were dark. I don't remember a lot about the last 3 and a half years, people will start talking and say.. don't you remember (fill in blank here) and I honestly do not. What I remember is feeling cold, tired, empty, and just ready to die. I tried to fix it in a multitude of ways, I threw myself at work, I tried to train for a marathon, I did run it but it was terrible, I did a couple of spartans, I drank a lot, I did maybe one bootcamp... I don't know maybe two, I spent a ton of money, I moved... nothing worked. The more I did the deeper and darker everything became. Over and over the video played in my head of my baby, my beautiful child laying in the road, of her being tossed from the vehicle, of the very graphic impact. With each replaying of this horrific video my brain so kindly made up for me, another piece of my spirit died. You see, other than the very sad image of my daddy holding her hand and the first glimpse of her laying there, the rest of it is made up. It's all a lie that my brain created to torture me, because I failed and I deserved to be hurt.

In April I took a trip, to New Orleans, it had been somewhere I had been wanting to go my whole life. Most people dream of vacations on beautiful beaches and warm waters, me I wanted the spirit of NOLA. It was on that trip that my bff mentioned he was going to be teaching a bootcamp and something just sparked. Here my bff was, who had supported me and stood by me through about a bazillion pounds and kept a check on me through all of the darkness, embarking on a new journey and I knew I needed to be there to support him. Thankfully Sandy made that happen and I spent 6 weeks traveling back and forth to errrhmmmm hahahaha support my bff. (that is the most ridiculous thing ever by the way... I had nothing to give... zero.. I was just there) At the end of 6 weeks, everything came crashing down again, and after 3 years and 3 months I hit rock bottom with a full on splat! My weight was the highest ever, my darkness had closed in on everything, I didn't feel and I did not care. I did everything there was to do short of swallowing the pills or pulling the trigger. (Thankfully I still had enough heart left that I could not figure out who would the best one to find me)

What I am grateful for is that first Triple Threat Bootcamp and the friends that supported me through it, because without that little high, that massive crash in July would have ended in death without a doubt. That glimmer, that feeling, that I think I can saved me. In that pit I finally said ENOUGH!!!! I am NOT going to live like I am dying anymore! I heard over and over again in my head "What's your Why?" and what I said that one fateful day remains. "To live like I am living". And that is when I realized I had to get back home and back to my life on the OBX with my fitfam!

When Deanna left this Earth she did not take me with her and she has made it abundantly clear that while her body is gone she is very close. That she knows and has watched the sadness of her mama's heart. It is time for me to live on this plane... not in some lost dimension between life and death. While I do not believe that I will ever "get over" the loss of my girl, I do finally believe that "I will get through it".

Over the last two months I have posted a lot about bootcamp and personal training in regards to what I have been losing. 23.75 inches in case you missed it yesterday. What I want to talk about right now is what I have gained.

First and foremost I gained the confidence to tell the world that yes, I hit rock bottom.

I have gained friendships, oh my friends were there all the time, they never left me, I left them, I am rebuilding strong bonds with those that stood so patiently waiting for my return.

I have gained strength, not only to up my weights to 15lbers today but to get up each morning and try to make it the best day possible, even if that best day is a sad day, the strength is in knowing that it is a sad day, not a sad week, month, year, life. 

I gained courage to share all of my story, the good, the bad, the fat, the battles, the triumphs, the courage to post the most unflattering photos to show the gains in my journey to fitness and health.

The ability to finally ask my friends and coaches for the very specific help that I need. And they have answered in full force.

Wisdom, wisdom to not throw myself full force into work, the wisdom to know the balance between Yes I can work tonight and No I can't work 7 days a week. The wisdom to enjoy my jobs because I love them both and not work myself into a pit of nothingness.

Sight, I have gained the sight to see that my beautiful daughter would not want me to spend my years dying, but living. Living life to the fullest there is, breathing in every moment that she has missed for her, with her spirit in my heart and surrounding my every minute. The sight to reach out and see the Challenge placed in front of me and the ability to tightly grasp on to it forever.

The love to know that the why has become the challenge and that I challenge myself to each and every day love myself enough to Live like I am Living, not only for her, my parents, my boys, my friends, my family... but mostly... for me.

It's time to Own this shit Re... its all on right there waiting for you to take it.

Love and Peace Ya'll.
Re

PS I may have signed up for the great Spartan Trifecta Challenge of 2017 too...

We have all been there. Our friend is hurting and we are fumbling around like a bunch of bumbling idiots trying to figure out what to do to make them feel better. It happens and it is ok, we just are not hard wired to be able to deal with the pain and hurt of people we love and care about. We just want to FIX IT AND MAKE IT BETTER NOW!!! Unfortunately this is generally not possible. It took me a long time to realize this, as I felt at the time I when the hurting was so raw and unbearable that everyone should know exactly what I needed and when.  Alas, no one is a mind reader so many times we just get what to do wrong.

A dear friend sparked this post today. I missed her at bootcamp. The friend has become a constant in my life and made my hurts more bearable and I am hoping I can return the favor just in this small fraction. While I am not great with words face to face I seem to have gotten this writing thing down so I chose this avenue to help express what my friend and so many others who are hurting need.

First and foremost they need our support, they need our love, they need our prayers, thoughts and awesome jedi vibes. Those things are so important in this universe.

Secondly they need us to BE NORMAL! If you are in a private setting and the person wants to share.. GREAT! Let them share. You share, they share, we all SHARE! If you run into them on the street, in the grocery store, in the bar, say "hello, how ya doing?" They will lead the conversation from there. If they want to share.. great.. if not great too! Don't shy away or scurry down the next isle or out the door. They see you and it hurts. I promise they aren't going to start crying and get snot on your shirt in a public place.  I also would like to state that it is really not ok to walk up to someone in a public place and start a sympathy and hug fest. It is awkward. Just say Hi. How are you.. like normal!

There are a few places that as a good friend we should just leave our hugs and sympathy at the door and wait until a different time and place. The gym being one that is relevant in this case as it was in my case a few years ago. I am am expert on this so I feel well qualified to say that if you feel the urge to go hug your friend or to say something like.. I have been praying for you.. or give the sad sympathetic look you need to turn around and march your happy ass back out the door or go sit in your car until the urge passes you!  The gym is a place where the hurting go to get out all out. To spend some of the painful energy we have. To FORGET what is going on outside of those walls of sweat for just a few minutes of the day.  Just one tiny little hug can crash all of that down. So if the urge hits you to hug in the middle of the gym... you aren't working hard enough! Do more triceps it will keep your arms out of the hug position.

So what am I saying? I am saying lets support our dear friend through this time by walking in the gym, grumbling good morning, getting our sweat on with her! Trust me that is what she needs.

Much peace and love to all,

Re

PS I love each and every one of you at the gym, and I am sure each of you loves each other just the same and we want to support each other but if I see one person hug, or utter I am sorry I will drop a 50 lb kettle bell on your toe. xoxoxo

I am so annoyed and well.. annoyed today. It's Measurement Monday and it has been two weeks since I was in Texas last week and I just knew that the tape would move this week. Oh it did.. I am down 2.5 inches in my THIGHS.. seriously my thighs. I would be questioning if I was measuring in a different spot than I did before but my work out pants are lose in my legs so I know it is probably accurate. Not even a half an inch in two weeks off of where it NEEDS to come from.

So yes I am frustrated.

Question is what do I do about it. I just keep going is what I do about it. I know that what I am doing is good and right. I know I am working out a good amount, (I really want to add running back into the mix but I have no motivation to do it alone.. I need to overcome that in my own head) I know that the foods I am eating are good and healthy and whole (well maybe not that popcorn I had at the movies but you have seen the pics.. that food rocks). I have a long way to go in this journey and I knew there would be flat spots and obstacles to over come.. I just didn't think it would happen this soon.

It seems my outer fat girl has waged war on my inner fit girl and I am just not happy about it. There is a small chance that I am not eating enough calories (save for the popcorn) on an average. I noticed a trend a week or so ago when I was putting my food in an online app that the work out off set of the food was quite high and I wasn't always hitting my 1,200 calorie goal prior to adding in working out. I will dive deeper into that this week and record all meals and measurements and see where the fall out is next Monday.

I also need to vow to drink my friggin water! I am failing at that so miserably and I don't know why. I am going to have to go back to my normal 7 bottles of water and forget about the environment for awhile. I have tried cups, little ones, big ones, wine glasses, pretty glasses, refillable bottles, gallon jugs, on and on and on and nothing works as well as an Aquafina water bottle. I will go back to that method until I get over this "dry spell" ... oh the pun.

There is one other thing I noticed over the last two weeks. My stress level has gone through the roof! I don't know if it is my fear of fall and all the darkness that comes with it. I don't know if it is work related. I don't know if it is just fretting over what the scale and the tape measure will say. I don't know if it is the feeling of being alone in life.. and before anyone says I am not alone.. no I am not I have friends and family like no other... but I do not have a life partner. And NO I DO NOT KNOW WHY THAT IS ALL OF A SUDDEN BOTHERING ME! (little frustrated sorry). Anyhoo I feel like I need to get on top of this stress a bit. I chose to sleep in this morning rather than meet for the run at 530 because I feel my lack of sleep last week is still playing a roll into how I am feeling. I feel the exhaustion and not just the good tired of working out hard.

I I am guessing you are wondering where I am going with all of this. A couple of places actually. First I REFUSE to be part of the My Big Fat Fabulous life scene. There is nothing fabulous about this. It is painful, unhealthy and finally when I look in the mirror I see gross. How can I expect anyone else to find me attractive. So that means regardless of what the scale, a tape measure, my brain, or the mirror says I am going to keep on going. Second I have repeated this over and over, this is a journey, it is not something that can be fixed in one day but over a lot of time. I am in this for the long haul but I am realizing quickly that this is not just a journey it is war. I am in war with my own body and I will win. In war if you aren't winning you look at your strategies again and you modify where needed and you go back in guns a blazing... Well fat.. I have been working on my guns weekly and I am coming for you!

Wishing everyone a peace and health filled week!
Love and Peace
Re