Good Morning my wonderful friends!
 
Happy Hump Day! Can you believe the week is half over already?? Well at noon anyway but still, where did it go!
 
I am not wishing my days away but if you tell me you aren’t living for the weekend are you even honest with yourself? Kidding kidding.. I know too many people in the restaurant business who’s Friday is worse than a double Monday.. and lets not even talk about Saturday nights!
I, however, these days LIVE for the WEEKEND. It’s when my little family is all together in one place, all of my little birds have flown the nest years ago so we are definitely empty nesters with puppies and that is absolutely a ok with me.
 
This past weekend Ed and I were talking and I just flat out told him it was like we were living in some Lifetime holiday movie, little drama here or there but otherwise epically perfect. As we sat and sipped our Bloody Mary’s at a table for two over looking the water and watching boats drift by in the warm sun… see… I told you.. movie set! Anyway that is why I live for the weekends! It is when everything is magical even when we are doing mundane projects or chores we some how end up perfectly content.
 
The week days aren’t bad either, heaven knows I miss the OBX and my people on those days, but over all… life is pretty darn great.
 
I bet you are thinking how does she do that??? How does she go from everything is crap to everything is rainbows and glitter?  I couldn’t really tell you. I know I have worked hard for it, it doesn’t just POOF and I am happy. I have to spend a considerable amount of time working on banishing the demons and we all know they creep back in the second I let my guard down, but today.. today I am good. I am still struggling a bit in the eating department but the work outs and generally taking care of myself are much more on point, and I think that plays into everything.
 
The one thing I know for sure… today I am happy and Friday I will be happier. Hurry home babe.

Peace Love and Light

Re

Good *yawn* morning my friends.
 
Good grief…. I am hoping this new “routine” is just me adjusting to the cooler temps but to say that I am in love with my snuggly bed is an understatement!
 
I am not nor have I ever been one of those people that could stay in bed all day, as a matter a fact I even said this weekend that there are times that I wish I had that luxury. Even in the worst of my depression I couldn’t just cover my head with my blanket and stay there no matter how badly I wanted to.
I would drag myself out of bed and zombie around all day. This though is different, I don’t feel depressed or sad or any of the other adjectives I use when the darkness is lurking. I wouldn’t even say I feel TIRED… I just feel snuggly.
 
I have transformed our little cottage here and especially the bedroom into a sweet little safe haven that is so darn inviting that I just long to hang out there. The puppies are both with me for the first time in weeks and it is like the gangs all back together! (giggle)
 
So why am I complaining? Im not really … I am just not used to feeling that way. It dawns on me as I write this that half of you probably aren’t even awake yet but I was an hour later getting up that normal because I just didn’t want to! That was after going to bed before 8!
 
Some nights I read, others I watch TV, sometimes I play on my phone, but some nights I just turn on my stars (yes I am a child I have a star machine) and watch them, but all nights it just feels like the place that all is right with the world.
 
There are times that as I lay in silence I think to myself, “Man that cup of coffee is going to be yummy in the morning” only to find myself in the morning thinking “Oh going to bed tonight is going to feel so good” that most definitely is not a bad life. Of course the day is riddled with other wonderful moments, I have a class planned at the Y today I am looking forward to, I have a dinner date with my dad tonight, yesterday Drake and I met for dinner, hoping to see my nephew and baby cousins for a few minutes tomorrow, life doesn’t complete revolve around my snuggly spot. I don’t think it is that I don’t want to get up, because I do, there are so many highlights in life I don’t want to miss… but man that snuggle game is on point!
 
I like being a super early riser though, so I am hoping that I can break the morning lingering again. That time before everyone else is going about their day, the darkness right before the dawn when nearly the whole world is silent. It is then that I hear myself the best. It is then that I get the most done. It is then that I am grateful to be alive and enjoy my first cup of coffee. So while the snuggling is amazing, I don’t want to lose that special time I spend with myself before the noise of the world drowns out my kind inner dialogue, you see that morning voice she is quiet, she is soft, and most times she is kind. That is the me that needs to the most nourishment and time, unfortunately, during the day when things are loud and busy the one that breaks through is the not so nice one, ushering in self-doubt and insecurities.
 
I guess life is pretty darn good if the only worry I have this morning is I didn’t spend enough time with myself before starting my day… because I was snuggling! It also probably should not be lost on me that I went soooooooo long without sleeping that this is just a make up session I am not fully used to yet.
 
How are things going with you? Do you have a favorite spot or time?
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Happy Monday my loves!
 
I hope you all had a wonderful and relaxing Halloween weekend! Mine was filled with movies, rest, dates with my guy and puppies! Doesn’t get much better than that.
 
Let’s talk about confidence today. Just the other day someone posted on a selfie that I appeared confident. I thought back to the moment I was taking the pic and tried to remember how I was feeling. Confident was one of the things I was feeling.
I was confident in my decision to go to the gym, confident that I had and was in a place of support, confident that I was going to do the work out and not die. I truly felt confident at that moment. My reaction to the post was “You have to be confident in this game”
I am not sure that I have even uttered something so true in my life, at least for me anyway.
 
I thought about times when I did not feel confident and mentally envisioned myself. I looked old, tired, fat, and frumpy, not only in my minds eye, but also in photos I could remember, when I just was not feeling secure I just looked worn out.
 
It dawned on me that to complete my journey here that I need to spend way more time being confident than being closed in on my self in self doubt.
 
To reach my goals in weight loss, I need to be confident in my choices and own when I choose to veer off plan and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY IN CONFIDENCE that one day is not the end of the world.
To reach my fitness goals, I need to be confident in my actions and own when I choose to rest and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY IN CONFIDENCE that the rest is what my body needed and it isn’t lazy to lay out.
To reach my life goals, I need to be confident that in the past I acted to the best of my ability with the knowledge I had at that time and then MOVE ON TO THE NEXT DAY IN CONFIDENCE knowing that many lessons were learned and it has built a large bank of knowledge.
 
I feel better, stand taller, eat better, work out harder when I allow my confidence to shine. When I true to myself… I am true to the world and can better serve those around me including myself!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Good Morning beautiful people!
 
How are you?? Seriously talk to me.. how are YOU? I would love to hear from you. I feel like I have been away on a trip and I am not 100% sure how everyone is anymore.
 
I hit the gym last night for the first time in forever! It was wonderful .. I nearly died! No seriously, I am fine but it was tough jumping back in. I am sure I will bounce right back to where I was and this time I am NOT going to be mad about the “where I could have beens” or “what I should have dones”.
That time is gone and it isn’t coming back.  It is just another life lesson in how easily it is for us to slip back into old patterns when overwhelmed or stressed. We all have triggers and I just bounced right up on all of mine this summer.
 
Something I am super hopeful about today is timing.  Typically right around now is when things start falling apart, when the sides crumble and everything gets dark again. I saw it happening just last week. I know exactly where I was. I was walking through the hallway here in the house and I stopped and just stood there. I thought to myself, “oh no… it’s happening.” And it was. The sadness was setting in, the darkness was creeping around and I had a choice at that very moment. I knew right then if something didn’t change and change fast I was going to be right back at the bottom in no time at all, I just didn’t know WHAT to do to stop it.   Ultimately I did nothing, it was the Ragnar ladies, and it is likely they didn’t even know what they were doing, but their determination and perseverance showed me this weekend that ANYTHING can be done if you set your mind and heart to it and right now it is my time to do just that.
 
I would like to sit here and say that running the Ragnar in July and the Full Marathon are my “goals” but that simply is not the case. Sure they are out there and they are very important moments in this journey I am on but my truest goal is to make it through the bad season in a good solid healthy way, and possibly with a little bit of grit come out better than I started.
 
I have some solid doable weight lost goals, solid doable fitness goals, I just need to ensure I maintain solid doable mental health goals.
 
Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr A Amazing and we chatted about where I still find myself hung up at times. I wrote about the bucket filling yesterday and actually talked to her about it and she said, you have a serious issue with allowing others to fill your bucket, not only do you not allow it you refuse to ask for any kind of help, even when your bucket is completely empty you are running around trying to fill others up so no one even sees that you need help. I have sat on that since yesterday and pondered on something my Sis said to me when I was hurt. I was helping others and walking 5ks and going and going and going and I remember saying to her “I feel like I have no help and I am overwhelmed.” I remember her saying… “How would anyone know you needed anything or even think to help you when you are still out there doing everything?”  I internally shrugged my shoulders and moved right along. Not once did it occur to me to ASK for help!  It is something I need to work on most definitely because I will likely need help getting through the next few months.
 
Keeping this one short today after yesterday novel!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

Good Morning!!!
 
LONG POST ALERT (you know when you get that from me it is a novel but also well worth it)
 
I am not sure how to start this post. I have typed out a few entries but they all seem so lame.  They all basically say the same thing.. but in differing degrees of disguise.
Maybe blunt is just the way to go here.
 
I am here after a 4 month sabbatical where I once again allowed everything to take priority over myself. It’s what I do…. (rephrase… it is not what I do.. it is what I have done repeatedly and I want to break that cycle) I never seem to find myself as being the “important” piece of my life puzzle.
My sisper sent this quote to me a few days ago
 
Truth: People prioritize what’s most important to them and let the unimportant things go. That involves people too.
 
It is the truth… and not only does that involve people it involves ourselves.  I did this starting the day I cut my foot. Strange that it was an injury to myself that put myself on the back burner again right?
Drake was already injured at this point but I was still doing me at the same time. My injury happened and everything blew up! Again. Lord knows it is not my boys fault, or my foots fault, or anyone’s fault other than my own so please don’t read that in the words I am getting ready to write.
When my injury happened I realized that I had only so much energy to expend and I immediately prioritized Drake’s care over my own. That simple small mistake led to an avalanche of requests and needs from all over .. everywhere except from myself! With each request I pushed myself farther and farther away from where I needed to be and dove head first into the needs of others. (AGAIN NO ONES FAULT BUT MY OWN.) The universe saw that crack in my resolve and shoved it’s way right in my space and I allowed it, why.. because I was helping others!  I was out there filling up buckets all over the place. (that is a phrase from this weekend) In return I “helped myself” by firmly smacking a lid down on my own bucket so that not only could I not fill my bucket neither could anyone else.
 
I have been running on empty for 119 days. Want to know what happens when you run 119 days on empty, you break down. You start trying to fill yourself up with the wrong things, the wrong people, the wrong places BECAUSE YOU ARE DESPERATE! I was desperate .. desperate to fit in.. desperate to be part of something, even if that something was the wrong thing and was not filling me up at all!
 
One thing I can tell you about myself is that I love being alone. Yesterday I got home and flat out refused to leave again. Dad came by but it was a very quiet afternoon and evening of rest and reset. I needed time with myself. I actually LOVE time alone, but on the flip side of this coin is the fact that I love my “tribe” I need that closeness that connection, that motivation and support. I love social interaction. Odd that I am saying this but I think my actual life contact needs are pretty well rounded, I crave both solitude and interaction…
 
A few weeks ago I went home for a couple of days and had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with two of my best girlfriends. They had just gone on a run .. myself had just made it out of bed. At coffee that morning I mentioned that I had a half marathon in just 2 weeks and that I had once again not trained. I stated and I do remember word for word what I said “It is so hard for me to train without my tribe”. I completed that half but it was by no means good. I again thought… if I had trained if I had “my tribe” I would have done so much better. After the half I went right back to scrabbling for something to fill me up…
 
Also around the same time I went home for the weekend I was invited to be a van driver by my friend Hope and RIOT Rangar Relay team. I immediately said yes, without really even knowing what I was supposed to be doing. I said yes because I don’t know how to say no. I am not kidding here that is exactly why I said yes. (Sorry Hope) I even just a week ago said to Ed that I didn’t want to do this. I wanted to stay home. Thankfully he said “ABSOLUTELY NOT! You are going.. you need this..”  I still thought of calling off my trip but kept replaying how much of a burden it would be on the others if I backed out and they had no driver so I pushed ahead and on Thursday morning I packed up my gear and all of my anxieties and drove to the meeting spot.
 
Out of the 13 ladies I would be spend the next 5 days with I knew 5 of them and let me just say that these ladies were all considerably younger than myself so full on panic was ensuing, add in a 14 hour trip driving a van that was chasing another van and the panic was also met with stress causing the perfect storm of exhaustion before the race ever started! The night before the race I laid in bed and nearly cried (until 2 minutes later when my body when into crash mode and proceeded to snore) I thought to myself, what is “WRONG WITH YOU.. Why did you agree to this. You don’t fit in this group! They need someone energetic and peppy! You are worn out and grouchy! Once you get through this thing NEVER will you agree to do something like this again!”  4 hours later I was back behind the wheel driving 6 excited and sleepy women to meet the other 6 team mates at the start line of a 200 mile road race and I still didn’t really understand what I was doing!
 
Over the course of the next 33 hours I witnessed the most amazing sites I have ever seen. The area of New England where this race was held was beautiful, new and refreshing. The landscape gorgeous, the homes and small towns we encountered were incredible, but I am not even talking about the landscape, the area, or the towns.. I am talking about the 13 women I was with. Come to find out some of them were merely acquaintances, I was not the only newbie in the crew. But the camaraderie these women shared was simply amazing. They prayed for each other, the encouraged each other, they shared things that on a normal day would not have been said or maybe offered. They absolutely CRUSHED their runs, even on tired, sore, worn out bodies they persevered and continued on to the finish line where as a group they ran together for the first time since the start 33 hours before. I teared up. I was part of this… but I continued to say “I am JUST the driver” or “I ONLY drove”.  Team members kept repeating, we could not have done this without you, but I continued to doubt my part in the team.
 
In the elevator after the race, I was met with another Ragnar survivor, and he congratulated me, I said I would pass it on to the team, as I “only” drove. He said “Wait.. you were the driver??” When I repeated that I in fact was, he said, “you take that congratulations, I have done that to and that to me is frankly harder and more stressful than running!” He then proceeded to lift up his drivers and myself with praises. I was floored. This wasn’t just some one off job that I was asked to, these women trusted me to push through and make sure they were all safely dropped off and picked up from locations, they trusted me to drive through the night while they rested, they trusted me to also lift them up with encouragement when needed and you know what.. I came through for them! I completed my job and completed it well.
 
By morning after a good solid 6 hours sleep I was ready to sign up to drive the next one! I found my place, I am a Ragnar driver! I sat with Hope over coffee quietly in the hotel lobby and told her I would gladly drive another Ragnar but I would never run one. Never. This was met with a solid WHATEVER!
 
My inner dialogue ensued.
 
I’M TOO OLD = EXCUSE
I’M TOO FAT = EXCUSE
YOU HAVE NO WILL POWER = EXCUSE
YOU CAN’T RUN FAST = EXCUSE
YOU DON’T HAVE A TRIBE = WHAT???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Look around you .. you buffoon! (I said buffoon ladies not baboon!)
 
As the day wore on I started thinking about how badly I wanted to be back in shape and not the fat slob I was becoming again. I wanted to run again and run well. I have a full marathon in 2022 but it is a whole year away. I need something sooner to aim for.
 
Run the Ragnar.
 
No..
 
Run The Ragnar.
 
No..
 
RUN. THE. RAGNAR!!!
 
Ok.
 
Just like that I had logged in and found a baby leg that I felt I could commit to. I texted my guy and said.. Hey I want to do this which was met with two words. Start Training.
 
I again circled back around to how would I train without my tribe. My people. My 530 am support crew. I fidgeted with this for hours and hours and hours, how are you going to do this without them.
 
Then I realized something. Those people, they are my people, they will always and forever be my people, my tribe but… they aren’t my only people. I have a huge tribe and while they don’t meet me at 530 am to work out, they do support me through encouragement and cheers.
It’s you.. you all are my people. The ones on the other end of my words and posts. You all fill up my bucket! I realized that when I stopped posting about my journey and the efforts that I was making it was so easy to backslide into old behaviors and actions. As I didn’t have the support from you all, I also failed to support myself and allowed my bucket to empty to the point of desperation and my own light failed to shine.
 
So here I am this morning with a bucket full of strength from 13 amazing women, restarting my own journey to greater adventures, knowing that in order to succeed I need to continue with not only my training but with my writing and eating plan!
 
Oh and by the way I have officially put my name in to run Ragnar in July 2022.
 
Peace, Love and Light
 
Re

Have you ever just been standing there and been hit with a TON of bricks? No not literally… figuratively.
 
Did you know that we have changed the actual definition of literally from meaning absolute truth or exactly,  to it also just being used for emphasis to express strong feeling but not exact truth.  As if English isn’t confusing enough!
Anyway…  I literally can’t stand it!
 
So here I am minding my own darn business and licking my own wounds, playing victim, when all of a sudden all of this knowledge and enlightenment comes FLYING AT ME! DIRECTLY AT MY HEAD.
 
The biggest thing that I stumbled and tripped over recently was the big old “What is WRONG with me?” There HAD to be something WRONG with me to make these crazy things happen.  Guess what I found… something was in fact wrong with me. I needed to do some internal work on myself.
I needed to explore not only the parts of me that instantly ran to me being the problem but also what in me is being mirrored back.  Even at my age my own insecurities and fear cause internal drama where frankly I don’t need it.  Had I not been playing into those feelings I would have acknowledged and been able to react to the things that were really unfolding and not just in a constant reactive state of, “Why don’t people like me? What else can I do to make everyone see I am a good person?”  Do you know how much running around and extra things someone does when they are trying to prove their worth?
 
Newsflash… you don’t have to prove your worth to anyone… ever. You are you.. you provide and are special to the people who need you in their life. Your circle is that.. your circle and believe it or not, you fit perfectly into the place you belong.
If you are feeling out of place, that you don’t fit in, that you are trying to prove your worth, need constant reassurance that your friends are just that.. your friends, feel like you are a burden or a bother.. Guess what.. stop. Seriously. Stop! Because you are not where you belong.
Take a step back and really see what is happening in front of you.
 
Remember this, where you put your attention your energy goes. Write it down, tape it to your mirror, your monitor, your car dash, do whatever you do to remember this.
 
Let me say it again. Where you put your attention your energy goes.
 
Let’s dig into that a bit.
 
There are two circles, one red one, one blue one. The red one is bright,  shiny,  super bouncy, and looks like a LOT of fun! The blue circle is more muted, not dull but not shiny, it’s got a gentle sway going on.
Someone like me who absolutely craves social interaction and belonging would immediately gravitate to the Red Circle. “HEY GUYS! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Let me in, can I be part of your circle? IT’S SO SHINY HERE!”
 
Picture if you will, the red circle being like a mosh pit. You elbow your way into the crowd and get all tangled up with everything that is happening around you and it is so loud and exciting  that you have absolutely no idea what is happening even ten foot away from you. You are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE!!! How exciting. You put all of your efforts into being part of this this circle, all of your attention, so much so that you don’t even really think of the blue circle out there in the nose bleeds quietly watching the concert. You are so caught up in being part of the exciting red circle that you don’t see all of the negative, you don’t see the drama unfolding, you don’t see the arguments, you don’t see the fight breaking out in the back, next thing you know because all of your energy is focused here so you too get sucked into all of it, the negative included!  Bouncy BOUNCY BOUNCY!
 
Whoa this circle is EXHAUSTING!!! I need a break!
 
You elbow your way back out of your mosh pit of a circle, panting, looking a little worse for the wear and wondering what exactly just happened. You see the blue circle and you think, maybe I will take breather over there. “Hey blue circle! I am part of the red circle now! Did you see? Want to come with me next time? Maybe we can all fit together!” The blue circle points over to your seat they have been saving, they welcome you with open arms and want to hear all about your adventures but politely decline your offer to join you. They mention that they have missed you and are so happy you came back.  It feels very nice and welcoming but you know you can’t stay here. You are craving that excitement again.. and you are PART OF THE RED CIRCLE.. you just have to go!
 
Back to the red circle you dive head first right into the pit! At the very last second the red circle parts and you land face first on the ground. No one caught you.. no one saved you a space… no one even noticed you were gone. “HEY GUYS HERE I AM!!!” You mean you went somewhere? Why are you even here? What do you want? You look around and see uncaring eyes staring back at you. You wonder what is wrong with you, why does no one like me? Hold on let me bounce a little higher they will see I belong here! BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE! See! I fit in. No one is paying any attention to your bounces, they have all moved on to whatever it is they do, no one sees you. You wonder again, why no one cares about you, why are you so unlovable, you wander out of the red circle and sit down on the gray bench alone.
 
You cry. You are alone. You are worthless. You will never fit in anywhere. All of your attention, is focused on all you have lost by leaving the red circle, and that is exactly where all of your energy now lies. Your energy is intertwined with your stance as a victim. You dwell and wonder how things went so wrong, you wonder if the red circle will ever see you. You spin around and around and around, you question yourself relentlessly.
 
 
Anyone see what is going wrong on the gray bench?  Even though you are no longer in the red circle bouncing away, all of the attention is still focused there, the energy and dare I say it insight is going right along with it.
 
 
STOP! Stop giving attention to being the victim, stand up, brush the gray paint off of your jeans and let your energy swirl around you. Pry your attention away from the red circle, I think you are going to find that the blue circle still has a seat available and open arms waiting to catch you.
 
That’s the thing about fitting in and belonging. You don’t have to fight for it, ever. You don’t have to pay so much attention to it that it sucks all of your energy away from everything else. It’s soft and comfortable and not full of drama and heart ache. I am not in anyway saying that this place is perfect and has no sadness but I am saying that it isn’t in constant turmoil and you won’t feel constantly in a battle for your place. It is a place that allows the energy of you to grow and expand. It is a place where you can be all that you are and still fit in. It is a place of love and understanding.
 
I am also going to tell you that sometimes the red circle draws you in so you have a moment of clarity and growth. These were some more bricks of knowledge that were thrown at me recently. And this is exactly how I wrote it down.
 
Grew Up
Grew Out Of
Grew Beyond
Grew Past
 
Sometimes that red circle sucks us in and throws us right back out, because we are quick to understand the fit is horrible. We look back and realize that the things available in the red circle are things we have already grew up from, grown out of, beyond and past, but we needed a reminder and refresher. What I can tell you right this minute is all the bizarre things that have happened recently, Drake’s leg, my foot, deaths, dramas, and trauma’s all led me to sitting here today on a quest for understanding myself as well as others. An adventure to seeing the bigger picture and not just the red circle. I can’t tell you where I am headed with this, but I can tell you that my thirst for knowledge is strong. I plan to dig deeply into not only my physical and mental aspects but also in the spiritual avenues. I want to explore myself, completely, the strengths, weaknesses, grief, and joys.
 
I don’t know where this current ride may take us, but bear with me and I will make an attempt at sharing the journey with you in a healthy manner!
 
Peace Love and Light
 
Re

 Where is the creativity.. where is the motivation…
 
Hi all. Let me start by saying. I am fine! Sort of. I am not in a bad place, but I am not in a great place either. I am just kinda stuck… in place.
 
Let me give you an example. I have this AMAZING canvas for an AMAZING painting I want to do. It’s in my head, I have a picture, I even have the paint (in my closet in the OBX). I left the paints right there in my closet last trip because I was so uninspired I didn’t even feel like digging them out.
I thought this week, get the paints this weekend, again I was like.. meh.
 
How about another example? I have a half marathon in exactly 15 days.. and not the first clue as to how I am going to do it. I have been so uninspired to workout much less run that I am no where near ready. Do I know for sure I can finish it? Absolutely because that is what I do, but THIS time was to be different I was going to be READY. I am not.
 
Every night as I lay down I think to myself I need to write about… and by the time my eyes open I don’t even remember what that was or have the first idea what to write about.
 
I have started no less than 3 knitting projects all which fall by the wayside of the uninspired within a week, I have a Christmas gift from LAST year that needs finishing… I have at least TWO special gifts that need to be made this year and it just isn’t there to do it.
 
There is a wedding.. a VERY SPECIAL WEDDING in 200 days… I wanted to have lost 100 pounds by that day, I have not lost an ounce in weeks, I have not even tried and frankly I am not sure I care.
 
I sit here in the morning and think to myself when I get off work put on your shoes go for a walk if nothing else.. by the time I am done work it’s all I can do to muster the energy to fix dinner.
 
Again I am not sad, I am not depressed, it feels like I am nothing. That I am just here going through some very mundane motions for no reason or purpose.
 
I would rather feel everything.. than nothing.. I would rather be crazy and inspired than .. dull and lifeless. I am sure my family, however, would disagree.
 
Everything is just so darn… PLAIN AND VANILLA.
 
I don’t hear like the music or see the colors like I used to, I think it is too quiet. So while the deep sadness may be at bay, so is the complete joy, creativity and inspiration.
 
ITS SO DAMN DULL!!!!
 
Please send in the clowns.
 
Peace Love and what seems like very dim light,
Re

Dude where ya been and what is up with all these shares??
 
Well let me tell you! Where have I been? Everywhere but where I should have been. No no no that isn’t right. I actually think I was EXACTLY where I was supposed to be to learn a lesson.
 
So what did you learn?? That not everyone has a good heart. I know I know.. how do I not know that by now? Simple… my faith. I want to believe that as a whole people are good and fair and loving and kind, for the MOST part I think people truly are, I really do.
But every now and again in pops one that is simply put there to test your own strengths and boy did I run into a doozy this time. But you know what… IT IS OK! I AM OK! Took me a minute.. but here I am, still standing and still believing in my heart that people are good.. INCLUDING MYSELF!
 
As you all know I put in some work on myself at the beginning of the year digging myself out of a deep hole of depression, grief, self doubt along with half a dozen other things. I was doing good. I was eating right, I was working out, I was self healing with the help of some awesome people, but I did it all in the confines of my little home here. I was safe and secure, but I was lonely. I chose to put myself out there for the first time in a long time and for awhile it was good! Oh it was so good. It was good for my soul. I told people how good it was, I even pulled in other people hoping they would see how good it was. It was SOOOO good in fact that I thought I was all better. That I could stop all of the work on “the hole” because I was OUT OF IT! I had pulled myself right on out and was standing on solid ground and I was better.
 
Are you laughing yet? I am.
 
First off.. the “solid ground” I was standing on was shakier than Shakira’s hips and second off (there I go again) I had not taken one complete step away from the hole so I was teetering on the edge like a baby who had just stood unassisted for the first time. One little breath of air and boom back on my a** falling down the hole I would be. As with all things.. that breath of air happened, in the form of the most toxic human being I have ever encountered and I have encountered a few in my day.  The wind was knocked right out of my sails and down the hole I was headed, at the very last second and I do mean the very last second I grabbed the edge, sure I was in the hole but I was holding on for dear life. I screamed and cried (literally) I questioned myself, my sanity, even questioned my own heart and why I was not good enough, but I kept holding on to that edge. Within a few days I was sitting on the edge of that hole, still feeling deep down it could go either way, when I did the unimaginable. (imagine that) I put myself BACK OUT THERE.. as unsure as I was of my own footing. I put myself back out there with love and support in my heart, insisting that every thing was nothing more than a misunderstanding. HA! Nope… Toxic Geppetto strikes again. Immediately.
 
Now this is where things get interesting. (At least for me) When the toxic spew came forth one would think that it would knock me off that ledge and back into that hole of despair. It didn’t.
 
I stood strong, dusted my jeans off, straightened my own dang crown and said NO MORE. Here is your wall, you do not pass go and you do not collect 200 dollars. You are out of my life. I do NOT have to live a life of insecurity because of the insanity you are spewing. I do NOT have to live a life that has you in any part of it. I do NOT even have to live a life of fear of “what if” people believe Toxic Geppetto because frankly what people think of me is NOT MY BUSINESS or my problem.  I do NOT have to accept someone else’s insecurities as my own, nor do I have to believe what they believe about me.
 
You see I think that has been a lot of my problem for years, I took in and believed all of the bad things that others thought of me. This is a deep deep rooted trauma. I remember as a child being told I was bad, a handful, had a bad attitude, the list went on and on and I believed those things. In grade school I was chubbier than my friends, some called me fat, or worse, a wart hog, I believed those things. As an adult I was in toxic relationships, they called me names, they told me I was all sorts of things, I believed those things. Those things were so very loud in my head that I didn’t hear my own heart. I didn’t hear the people saying the good things. Look at her, she is creative! Look at her she is so imaginative. Look at her she is so loyal. Look at her heart it is so full of love.
 
I don’t know what this persons issue is with me, I believe it to be a jealously fueled rage, but I don’t know for sure, either way it is neither here nor there. I KNOW my own heart and I KNOW for a fact it is nothing but full of support, light and love. If nothing else simply because I have no room for toxicity and hate in my life. But I do know that I passed this test. I did. I am still here, I am still working on me (no it may not look like it on the eating and exercise front yet but it is getting there) I am setting GOOD AND HEALTHY boundaries. I am realizing that while this may have not been a good fit for me, there and places that I do belong and people who do love me.  
 
I know Toxic Geppetto thinks she won, but she didn’t.
 
This is one of my biggest wins in recent history… so I have to thank you.. for proving to me that I am in fact worthy and have the ability not only  set boundaries but most importantly to love and respect myself!
 
So Re.. what is up with all of the shares recently. It’s just me giving myself gentle reminders that I can look back on as the day winds down to night… than I am in fact a Queen and no court jester can take my crown!
 
Peace Love and Light… I’m Back!
 
Re

What is annoying .. just about everything right now. Raw friggin annoyance.  This morning I have found that I can either type or use my mouse using my Mac... chose one. So my whole blogging set up is just a wreck at the moment. Guess I need to go get a blue tooth mouse.. I don't know. I mean it is an 11 year old Mac it has served me well I should put it out of it's misery and just buy something cheap I can blog with, but I am a stubborn old goot that has a hard time letting go of things. It will have to continue its slow death and I will have to continue with a horrific set up for now. 

Know what else is annoying.. I have a hard time letting ANYTHING go. (I'm no hoarder of trash so don't get it twisted) but my heart holds on to things that serve no purpose. Hurt, anger, pain, I gather those things around me like a blanket and settle right in.  Things I should let go so that I can let in love and light and peace.. I bless each of you with those three things as I log off but I can bless myself with them.

There is this situation, I call it that but the truth it is a complete shit show caused by the a jealousy fueled rage of another. Instead of me having the ability to just brush it off and move along about my life I have internalized and personalized it all.. again. Some how it is my fault, and I can't figure out how it is so I can fix it, because you know it is my responsibility to fix. I have to wonder.. who left me in charge? I keep telling myself over and over and over that this too shall pass that I need to move along that it just was not a good fit. But damn it.. I am hurt! Hurt for me .. hurt for others.. just plain fucking hurt. 

I put myself out there.. I believe myself to be good and kind, loving, caring and giving! OH so giving. Give and give and give.. put myself lower and lower on the pole. Each and every time, Hey Re can you.. Yup I got you! Even worse.. Hey it's Re can I help you with...

Why do I do this?

Apparently because I am a self made martyr and I enjoy it.

mar·tyr
/ˈmärdər/
Learn to pronounce
noun
noun: martyr; plural noun: martyrs
a person who is killed because of their religious or other beliefs.
"saints, martyrs, and witnesses to the faith"
a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration.

I always thought I shared what I felt and what I was so others would know or even understand their own feelings, or maybe understand what someone they loved was going through.  I have been stewing on this for a week now, that I am a martyr and I enjoy this and the attention it provides me.

If that is the case, why does it feel so lonely, sad, and just plain red hot rawness. I don't feel like I have exaggerated how I am feeling, if anything I have tempered it back because I am truly so full of hurt right now that I feel like a pressure cooker that could just explode.

So I shouldn't go on and on about how I grieve or how it feels. I should only display happiness... Lets just just tell you about my one sided faith so that it doesn't disturb you when you learn I believe differently. I am supposed to stop giving and put myself first. Keep myself on top of the totem. I'm supposed to stop cooking because it isn't my job to take care of anyone else. My children are grown, they were all i was charged with caring for. (not that I did a great job there).  I am supposed to let things go... let in all of the love, light and peace and keep my unlady like overly emotional mouth shut, so that I can start regarding myself as number one.

Don't offer to help, do something for you instead. Let someone offer YOU help. Let someone invite you, don't just show up and try to be part of something. Let them text first.. do not contact first! Don't write about it. Be a damn bitch... it's better than the martyr you are. Step away from people you care about to make the life of the guilty not affect you, but it does anyway, because you lost again.

You don't belong anywhere.. you belong everywhere .. put yourself first.

I don't want to be first. I just want to belong. To belong in a place where when someone says my name it is met with .. her heart is huge, not .. what's her motive? Or can you believe how annoying she is?

I can't even find comfort behind words any longer... they are all for show. Don't you feel sorry for me now? Because that is what I want you know.. you just to feel sorry for me. I don't really want your friendship or connection.. I just want you to say Poor Re. I don't really want you in my corner, or to cheer me on. I want you to allow me to stay here on the bottom looking on in pity. That's me.. thats what I want.

I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking sad. I'm fucking grieving.

But let me show you how I am putting myself first, let me be silent, let me show you how I have no emotions or feelings.

Because the world is full of Love, Light and Peace.. you know that right?

This is the end... the end of the words.