Another angelversary has come, 3 years 6 months and 22 minutes right now. It has not gotten easier, it has gotten different. There are moments that stop me in my tracks and drop me to my knees still, I have a feeling that will happen for the remainder of my life, and that is ok. Moments in time is absolutely acceptable, and I think you will fully agree, but I know in my heart that you do not want me dwelling there. You would not want me to be stuck between life and death, you would want me to live.

It has taken me all of this time to get to the point where I feel like I could breathe again, where I could be again. This morning was number who even knows anymore bootcamp graduation. It was so incredibly surreal when Trusz had us stand on the ledge and look out over the ocean, he didn't even know that the last time I did that, it was you standing on that ledge with me, looking out over the same ocean, I smiled and remembered your pride and your smile that day. I glanced around and found your brother and I saw in him what I saw in you that day. I know with all my heart you stood with us this morning ... because as Chris said... "Just because you can't see it does not mean it is not there".... he had no clue how those simple words sang to my heart.

I love you my sweet beautiful angel.
With all my love always,
Mommy

In 9 short days it will have been 3 years and 6 months since my beautiful daughter was alive. That is almost the same amount of time I have spent dying. Sure I was breathing, I was moving, I was present, but I was barely there. My physical being was going through the motions day in and day out.. hell I even ran a marathon during that time, but my soul and spirit were dark. I don't remember a lot about the last 3 and a half years, people will start talking and say.. don't you remember (fill in blank here) and I honestly do not. What I remember is feeling cold, tired, empty, and just ready to die. I tried to fix it in a multitude of ways, I threw myself at work, I tried to train for a marathon, I did run it but it was terrible, I did a couple of spartans, I drank a lot, I did maybe one bootcamp... I don't know maybe two, I spent a ton of money, I moved... nothing worked. The more I did the deeper and darker everything became. Over and over the video played in my head of my baby, my beautiful child laying in the road, of her being tossed from the vehicle, of the very graphic impact. With each replaying of this horrific video my brain so kindly made up for me, another piece of my spirit died. You see, other than the very sad image of my daddy holding her hand and the first glimpse of her laying there, the rest of it is made up. It's all a lie that my brain created to torture me, because I failed and I deserved to be hurt.

In April I took a trip, to New Orleans, it had been somewhere I had been wanting to go my whole life. Most people dream of vacations on beautiful beaches and warm waters, me I wanted the spirit of NOLA. It was on that trip that my bff mentioned he was going to be teaching a bootcamp and something just sparked. Here my bff was, who had supported me and stood by me through about a bazillion pounds and kept a check on me through all of the darkness, embarking on a new journey and I knew I needed to be there to support him. Thankfully Sandy made that happen and I spent 6 weeks traveling back and forth to errrhmmmm hahahaha support my bff. (that is the most ridiculous thing ever by the way... I had nothing to give... zero.. I was just there) At the end of 6 weeks, everything came crashing down again, and after 3 years and 3 months I hit rock bottom with a full on splat! My weight was the highest ever, my darkness had closed in on everything, I didn't feel and I did not care. I did everything there was to do short of swallowing the pills or pulling the trigger. (Thankfully I still had enough heart left that I could not figure out who would the best one to find me)

What I am grateful for is that first Triple Threat Bootcamp and the friends that supported me through it, because without that little high, that massive crash in July would have ended in death without a doubt. That glimmer, that feeling, that I think I can saved me. In that pit I finally said ENOUGH!!!! I am NOT going to live like I am dying anymore! I heard over and over again in my head "What's your Why?" and what I said that one fateful day remains. "To live like I am living". And that is when I realized I had to get back home and back to my life on the OBX with my fitfam!

When Deanna left this Earth she did not take me with her and she has made it abundantly clear that while her body is gone she is very close. That she knows and has watched the sadness of her mama's heart. It is time for me to live on this plane... not in some lost dimension between life and death. While I do not believe that I will ever "get over" the loss of my girl, I do finally believe that "I will get through it".

Over the last two months I have posted a lot about bootcamp and personal training in regards to what I have been losing. 23.75 inches in case you missed it yesterday. What I want to talk about right now is what I have gained.

First and foremost I gained the confidence to tell the world that yes, I hit rock bottom.

I have gained friendships, oh my friends were there all the time, they never left me, I left them, I am rebuilding strong bonds with those that stood so patiently waiting for my return.

I have gained strength, not only to up my weights to 15lbers today but to get up each morning and try to make it the best day possible, even if that best day is a sad day, the strength is in knowing that it is a sad day, not a sad week, month, year, life. 

I gained courage to share all of my story, the good, the bad, the fat, the battles, the triumphs, the courage to post the most unflattering photos to show the gains in my journey to fitness and health.

The ability to finally ask my friends and coaches for the very specific help that I need. And they have answered in full force.

Wisdom, wisdom to not throw myself full force into work, the wisdom to know the balance between Yes I can work tonight and No I can't work 7 days a week. The wisdom to enjoy my jobs because I love them both and not work myself into a pit of nothingness.

Sight, I have gained the sight to see that my beautiful daughter would not want me to spend my years dying, but living. Living life to the fullest there is, breathing in every moment that she has missed for her, with her spirit in my heart and surrounding my every minute. The sight to reach out and see the Challenge placed in front of me and the ability to tightly grasp on to it forever.

The love to know that the why has become the challenge and that I challenge myself to each and every day love myself enough to Live like I am Living, not only for her, my parents, my boys, my friends, my family... but mostly... for me.

It's time to Own this shit Re... its all on right there waiting for you to take it.

Love and Peace Ya'll.
Re

PS I may have signed up for the great Spartan Trifecta Challenge of 2017 too...

We have all been there. Our friend is hurting and we are fumbling around like a bunch of bumbling idiots trying to figure out what to do to make them feel better. It happens and it is ok, we just are not hard wired to be able to deal with the pain and hurt of people we love and care about. We just want to FIX IT AND MAKE IT BETTER NOW!!! Unfortunately this is generally not possible. It took me a long time to realize this, as I felt at the time I when the hurting was so raw and unbearable that everyone should know exactly what I needed and when.  Alas, no one is a mind reader so many times we just get what to do wrong.

A dear friend sparked this post today. I missed her at bootcamp. The friend has become a constant in my life and made my hurts more bearable and I am hoping I can return the favor just in this small fraction. While I am not great with words face to face I seem to have gotten this writing thing down so I chose this avenue to help express what my friend and so many others who are hurting need.

First and foremost they need our support, they need our love, they need our prayers, thoughts and awesome jedi vibes. Those things are so important in this universe.

Secondly they need us to BE NORMAL! If you are in a private setting and the person wants to share.. GREAT! Let them share. You share, they share, we all SHARE! If you run into them on the street, in the grocery store, in the bar, say "hello, how ya doing?" They will lead the conversation from there. If they want to share.. great.. if not great too! Don't shy away or scurry down the next isle or out the door. They see you and it hurts. I promise they aren't going to start crying and get snot on your shirt in a public place.  I also would like to state that it is really not ok to walk up to someone in a public place and start a sympathy and hug fest. It is awkward. Just say Hi. How are you.. like normal!

There are a few places that as a good friend we should just leave our hugs and sympathy at the door and wait until a different time and place. The gym being one that is relevant in this case as it was in my case a few years ago. I am am expert on this so I feel well qualified to say that if you feel the urge to go hug your friend or to say something like.. I have been praying for you.. or give the sad sympathetic look you need to turn around and march your happy ass back out the door or go sit in your car until the urge passes you!  The gym is a place where the hurting go to get out all out. To spend some of the painful energy we have. To FORGET what is going on outside of those walls of sweat for just a few minutes of the day.  Just one tiny little hug can crash all of that down. So if the urge hits you to hug in the middle of the gym... you aren't working hard enough! Do more triceps it will keep your arms out of the hug position.

So what am I saying? I am saying lets support our dear friend through this time by walking in the gym, grumbling good morning, getting our sweat on with her! Trust me that is what she needs.

Much peace and love to all,

Re

PS I love each and every one of you at the gym, and I am sure each of you loves each other just the same and we want to support each other but if I see one person hug, or utter I am sorry I will drop a 50 lb kettle bell on your toe. xoxoxo

I am so annoyed and well.. annoyed today. It's Measurement Monday and it has been two weeks since I was in Texas last week and I just knew that the tape would move this week. Oh it did.. I am down 2.5 inches in my THIGHS.. seriously my thighs. I would be questioning if I was measuring in a different spot than I did before but my work out pants are lose in my legs so I know it is probably accurate. Not even a half an inch in two weeks off of where it NEEDS to come from.

So yes I am frustrated.

Question is what do I do about it. I just keep going is what I do about it. I know that what I am doing is good and right. I know I am working out a good amount, (I really want to add running back into the mix but I have no motivation to do it alone.. I need to overcome that in my own head) I know that the foods I am eating are good and healthy and whole (well maybe not that popcorn I had at the movies but you have seen the pics.. that food rocks). I have a long way to go in this journey and I knew there would be flat spots and obstacles to over come.. I just didn't think it would happen this soon.

It seems my outer fat girl has waged war on my inner fit girl and I am just not happy about it. There is a small chance that I am not eating enough calories (save for the popcorn) on an average. I noticed a trend a week or so ago when I was putting my food in an online app that the work out off set of the food was quite high and I wasn't always hitting my 1,200 calorie goal prior to adding in working out. I will dive deeper into that this week and record all meals and measurements and see where the fall out is next Monday.

I also need to vow to drink my friggin water! I am failing at that so miserably and I don't know why. I am going to have to go back to my normal 7 bottles of water and forget about the environment for awhile. I have tried cups, little ones, big ones, wine glasses, pretty glasses, refillable bottles, gallon jugs, on and on and on and nothing works as well as an Aquafina water bottle. I will go back to that method until I get over this "dry spell" ... oh the pun.

There is one other thing I noticed over the last two weeks. My stress level has gone through the roof! I don't know if it is my fear of fall and all the darkness that comes with it. I don't know if it is work related. I don't know if it is just fretting over what the scale and the tape measure will say. I don't know if it is the feeling of being alone in life.. and before anyone says I am not alone.. no I am not I have friends and family like no other... but I do not have a life partner. And NO I DO NOT KNOW WHY THAT IS ALL OF A SUDDEN BOTHERING ME! (little frustrated sorry). Anyhoo I feel like I need to get on top of this stress a bit. I chose to sleep in this morning rather than meet for the run at 530 because I feel my lack of sleep last week is still playing a roll into how I am feeling. I feel the exhaustion and not just the good tired of working out hard.

I I am guessing you are wondering where I am going with all of this. A couple of places actually. First I REFUSE to be part of the My Big Fat Fabulous life scene. There is nothing fabulous about this. It is painful, unhealthy and finally when I look in the mirror I see gross. How can I expect anyone else to find me attractive. So that means regardless of what the scale, a tape measure, my brain, or the mirror says I am going to keep on going. Second I have repeated this over and over, this is a journey, it is not something that can be fixed in one day but over a lot of time. I am in this for the long haul but I am realizing quickly that this is not just a journey it is war. I am in war with my own body and I will win. In war if you aren't winning you look at your strategies again and you modify where needed and you go back in guns a blazing... Well fat.. I have been working on my guns weekly and I am coming for you!

Wishing everyone a peace and health filled week!
Love and Peace
Re

I am going to start this post with a warning. First of this one is going to be very graphic, could I stop here and just post the pretty things and the good stuff, absolutely. Would it be truthful and matter, absolutely not. So here I sit with my hands poised on the keyboard knowing that the words I am getting ready to type will hurt quite a few people, but also with the knowledge that if it helps one, my job here is complete. 

I am sorry to my sisters who are going to read this and think.. Shit we thought she was through this. To my mother who is going to read this and probably cry and feel hopeless. To my bff who is in Florida and going to try to figure out how hard he is going to shake me when he gets home. To my person who is going to cry, get mad, and call me later with a big WTH RE! To my lifting ladies I am sorry you are going to wonder why I didn't reach out. To my multiple friends and family who are going to read this and try to figure out if you should rush over or back away. To my trainer I am sorry I didn't tell you today but I was too focused. To my daddy who will hear about this at some point and not know what to do... but mainly... I am sorry to my boys, I am just sorry. You need to know that none of this is about, because of, or even remotely to do with you!

I think it is safe to say that I am doing better. I have seen the sunshine and felt the power of myself in my step and my soul over the past few weeks. I believe most people have seen this. I know I have heard from many of you via Facebook saying GREAT JOB! and many other wonderful words. I can not even begin to tell you how very much each one means to me and I do read each and every one. I can't tell you how much it means to me for you to tell me I am doing great in person, I may shy away and make up some OH yea right.. well I sucked today statement because of my insecurities but I do hear you and I know you mean it.  You actually do not know the power of those words.

A few weeks ago I told someone who is working with me to get me stronger and healthier that I had a hard time with fall and winter. That is when the darkness just sinks its ugly teeth in me and tries to drag me down. I also vowed to not stop working on my physical strength and well being this fall and winter, that when it gets nasty just show up in the gym. I am sure that I could probably call or text him and say dude.. please get there now and he would, I made that promise and I will keep it. I have seen the power of it.

Some of you know that this past week I was out of town, away from my kitchen, away from my gym, away from my bff, away from my best friend and helping her, my trainer, my lifting ladies, my kid, my dog... I was away from everything I had worked so hard to make routine over the last 7 weeks. There was nothing I could do about this, it was work related and I had to go. I wasn't ready. I kept my food under control, I worked out (both of which were firsts on a work trip because hello.. FREE FOOD) but ultimately I did not sleep well, after not sleeping well, I got sad, after I got sad, I sat in the airport and watched families and couples and could see love in the eyes of people as they held hands and discussed plans. I saw people calling people letting them know when they would be home. I overheard a father call and wish his children a good night. I watched as a family sat together on their way home from vacation sharing memories.... and all of a sudden I felt like a monster.

It all came crashing down, here I am 45 years old, fighting tooth and nail to regain some sort of physical appearance that does not resemble Jabba the Hutt, trying desperately to maintain some hold on happiness, all the while feeling like I have never been in love and probably will never have another human in love with me and that I failed at life's natural task of being a mother, I couldn't even keep my dog alive. What was my purpose .. I had failed at life.

During this meltdown I sent a message to my trainer, basically saying I didn't think I could work out the following day and lets reschedule. He came back with "Ok you can have 2 hours later than your normal slot". That wasn't what exactly I was going for but I agreed just to meet him at the normal time.  I don't know why I sent that message because the other thoughts in my head knew it didn't matter. I knew it probably was not going to happen at either time slot.

I boarded the plane, which was a rinky dink little puddle jumper and I thought ya know, there is a chance here. (here is your last warning people.. it gets bad) I wished that plane wouldn't make it out of New York. It did. I then thought well you still have a chance between here and Norfolk.. it made it. We landed everyone was safe and sound. I gathered my belongs and proceeded to the parking lot. It was dark, it was late, and then I just wished for someone to just jump out of bushes. They didn't.  I made it to my car, and that is where things got really bad. I threw everything in the car, turned up the radio, left off my seat belt and drove way too fast. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the steering wheel, I contemplated how fast I needed to be going when I hit a pole to not make it. I thought if I could make it to the bridge I would just jump because lets face it I can not swim that well, all the while coming up with my story I was going to tell the cop that was going to pull me over, and hell maybe I could just charge him and they would shoot me. I wanted to die... again.. just like that out of the blue.

I know some of you are probably angry because you feel like I am just throwing life away, for that I am sorry, but I really feel like I already threw the best of it away and now it is just waiting out the inevitable. I am sorry that I am not as strong as some of you thought.

I think the more important part is either through my weakness or some miracle I am still here to write this to you today. Some where in that massive meltdown last night, I remembered I made a promise. When it got bad I would go to the gym. It didn't make the feeling go away. It was not an easy trip home but I made it. This morning I got up and I put on my work out clothes and I waited patiently for 1130. I walked in the gym absolutely done but I kept my promise to myself. I made it there.

My work out today was a mixture of new things that were incredibly hard and things I have been doing and I now feel stronger at. When my hour was over I walked out of that door feeling so much different than just 12 short hours before. I made it through. As I sit here and I spill my soul through this keyboard I realize that as I navigate my way through the rest of my life and this incredibly grief and my own mental tangles with my failures and shortcomings,  that the new things, such as sudden onslaught of suicide tendencies, they are going to be INCREDIBLY hard, but as I continue to do them I will ultimately get stronger and stronger until I have won.

So while I know that this is so very hard for many of you to read.. if just one person is struggling and feeling like they are at the end. Just keep hanging on. Just do the next thing. Tomorrow this will be one hell of an incredibly hard thing you have done to make yourself stronger!

Make yourself a positive promise and Just Do It!

Peace and Love
Re

No one said this would be easy every day. Truth is it isn't ever going to be "easy". Each week the tasks get harder as my body gets stronger. Yesterday and this morning my brain tried to have a melt down because I didn't feel like I was performing as well as I wanted. I want my form to be perfect, I want my reps to not be broken, I want to appear, no, I want to BE strong and to BE strong I have to fight. Which means each week I have to put more on the floor. More sweat, more blood (no I haven't bled yet.. I am sure it will happen) and more tears.

I know you are thinking tears? Why would you even want to go there? I will tell you why, because this is a (insert curse word here) process! It is a journey of not only health and well being but digging out of a deep dark hole that I have found myself in. I end up examining things that got me here, in hopes to tackle them head on and not have to face them again, or if I do face them be able to defeat them in a way I wasn't before.

A horrifying truth I am facing right now is the grief. I have mentioned before that there is a clinical diagnosis for the grief I face and it is called "complicated grief disorder" throw in a dash of depression and PTSD and you have the perfect storm. The easiest way for me to describe it is think of the grief as a huge truck of dirt and when someone you love dies this entire truck of dirt is dumped on top of you and you have to pick and dig your way out and clear out all of this dirt, it takes weeks maybe months but YOU MADE IT! You are out, and for some period of time you are ok and you can function and you think everything is going... BOOM!!!! The load of dirt is dumped on you again without warning, and you have to dig again. This happens over and over. Each time the load of dirt has been dumped on me it ultimately pushed me down even farther than before. This is a obstacle I have to defeat,  I have to stop the dirt before it falls. I am a bit scared to be honest, because there is a scent in the air, a little tiny nip at times, a leaf has turned. It is almost the time of year that it seems the dirt always dumps. I don't have time to shovel out and hold on to a kettlebell. I need the dirt to just not fall, I need to see that it is falling and run out of its way. I need to rally all my support and just scream.. it is HAPPENING.. CAN YOU HELP CATCH THE DIRT! Don't let it bury me again. As I said.. it is a (insert curse word) process.

Just like with the physical aspect of my journey and having to push harder and fight more to continue to grow and get stronger, I am going to have to do the same with the demons. No life will never be perfect, I will never be perfect, but it can be better and stronger.

Love
Re

PS it was flipping HOT the last two days.. do not let that 5 degree drop fool you into "Oh lets work outside" YIKES!

Grief, it's not a competition.

It makes me beyond sad that this would even be a topic that needs a post, but apparently it does. I ran across a post today about a woman who from what I can make of it got into a verbal debate with another woman about who's grief was worse, the one who had lost a child and the one who had lost a husband. I am going to go with that most of you would say, the one who lost the child of course. This is so not true. The truth is, it is not comparable at all, and that both people are currently feeling their worse grief of their life.

Let's look at this a different way, I cut off my hand, you cut off your foot, the Doctor comes in and asks, which of you is in worse pain? The answer is neither is worse, both are equally painful and we are both in complete despair and disbelief over the lost of our limb. Are you going to sit there in that room and have an argument over who is in worse shape? I would not think so.

So my question is this, why do we do that with grief? Who are we to say that our grief and pain is worse than anothers? Yes I lost my child, my beautiful daughter, I also lost my handsome step son.  When Dustin had his accident I thought that was the worst pain imaginable, and it was! It was my worse pain at the time, then the unimaginable happened and Deanna had her accident, again my worse pain imaginable. You would think I was crazy if I had an argument with myself about how stupid I was to think that losing Little Dustin in any way could equal the additional pain of losing my Deanna,  wouldn't you? Then why do we as a society try to put the level of pain associated with grief into compartments of your pain must be worse than mine?

Would it not be much easier for everyone to just be kind and understand that when in the throws of grief that the pain is not supposed to be a competition?  A broken heart doesn't have a measurement.

Much Love
Re

That time where I waiver, where things get dicey and shaky.. the time I just give up.

I know, I know you are thinking "But you are doing so well!" Yea, kinda, it is the time that the scale always betrays me. I already know that at noon today it will because this morning my scale was up from last weeks noon weight. It is frustrating. I know I ate well. I know I exercised as much as my aching body would allow and still that number looming there is like the bully in grade school who relentless told me I was fat and was a pig.  It is the time that my brain always goes.. "what is the point in all of this struggle, look a the scale it isn't moving, you are doing all of this for nothing." The next two weeks will in fact be mentally more taxing than physically. While physically the work I am putting in is hard the mental push to make it over this hump will far out weigh any muscle soreness I have.

As many of you know, a week ago, a terrible tragedy happened, something that was so incredibly painful. The one thing that is relate-able to this post is that some how I made it through without falling into a vat of vodka or a tub of risotto. I did everything to stay on point with my exercise and food because I knew the slippery slope those feelings could send me down.  What I need to do in these next few weeks is to hold on to that strength that got me through the last 7 days and keep moving forward to a smaller, healthier me.

It's time for me to change completely, it is time to break that cycle of frustration and moon pies (PS i really don't like moon pies, they just sound like they should be good).

The bottom line is the top line, "Nothing changes until you do"

Much love
Re