Today I am going to talk about something super personal. I toyed with the idea of sharing this earlier this week and found that it may be too personal for me to even share, but it has continued to weigh on my mind and I knew that I needed to write about it.
What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life?
For me it is obvious that losing the kids ranked all the way at the top, but what I did next ranked a very very very close second. I held on to all of the pain.
Grieving to me was self-torment. Grief meant sadness, heartache, regret, quilt, loss… you can continue with the list if you would like but I think that you get the picture.
Nearly every time I thought of Deanna or Little Dustin it was with so much negative grief that it was like losing them over and over and over, the pain even all these years later was raw and excruciating. If I remembered a happy time before the day was over I was full of absolute torment over everything I ever did wrong, and I do mean EVERYTHING. This cycle grounded me and pretty much buried me in just utter heartache.
The other night before it got cold I was sitting outside on the deck alone with the puppies, looking at the stars and the sliver of moon and just looked up and said “TAKE IT! Take all of this, take the regret, take the guilt, take the sadness, TAKE IT ALL. Let me grieve but by remembering the happy times, let me remember the kids playing in the pool, or road trips we took, or snuggling down to watch a movie, let me remember the GOOD THINGS we did together, and while you are at it.. let me LIVE in those times with my boys, let me not be regretful or guilty about choices I made 25 years ago, I am not even CLOSE to that person today.” Then I sat there… one would think I would have cried, I didn’t. I sat there and tried to remember why I felt so guilty and was full of so much regret all of these years and I really couldn’t put my finger on it. I think we all have a normal amount of these emotions we feel, we could have and we should have but mine was on serious over drive.
I have no doubt that there is someone reading this right now thinking, “you should feel bad.” I can almost bet I could name them… but here is the thing. You don’t know me, you don’t know the situations, you don’t know why choices and decisions were made, and you know what.. for the first time in my life I don’t care what you think. And that is all I am going to say on that.
Let me talk about how I feel now. I am no dummy, I know that pleading to the stars isn’t a fix all, but it is a good and healthy start. Since that night I have not had any of the bad feelings move in, but when they do I now have a weapon, I can exclaim “I RELEASED YOU.. YOU NO LONGER HAVE THE UPPER HAND IN MY LIFE”
And this my friends is the third hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. Letting go of all of the crappy thoughts I have believed about myself for so long, letting go of pain I felt I deserved, facing that letting go of the heartache isn’t letting go of the kids, allowing myself to finally believe I am more than just all of that negativity.
I am not sure where exactly I am headed from here but I know it won’t be living in those dreadful places I have rooted myself for years.
Here’s to the moon and stars.
Peace Love and Light