Struggle training coming through… choooo chooooo! Or is it chew chew… either way is fitting.
Not sure what it is going to take here.. and it is annoying. Every night I go to bed and think to myself “JUST STOP EATING LIKE A PIG!” sometimes it is nicer words like, “Why don’t you try xyz” but the jest is the same which is do something about your eating or nothing you do is going to matter.
I have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food. Example… yesterday while at lunch my dad says “You lost that 40 pounds yet?” I look at my plate shrug and just say “I think I am just supposed to be fat”. Why such a crappy response from me.. on my plate is literally half of the amount he ate and still he is sitting there like a bean pole and I look like a pole alright.. the North Pole.. like all of it.
And that set my day.. mind whirling about how I can fix me, or should I just say screw it I have been this way for 90% of my life, I am never going to be thin enough that they stop asking if I have lost 123 yet and at this point I am old so even if you lose the weight, which you probably won’t you will be smaller, not thin, but still old.
Positivity has left the building today .. sorry.. it happens.
Being fat is an embarrassment, not only to me, but my family and yet… here I am. Still have not lost 40 pounds, still have the belly that you wished I would lose that I had in the Spartan photo, still worry every damn flight I take that I am going to spill all over into the seat beside me, I still hear you on repeat saying “you look like you are training” in your sarcastic tone.
I have at a minimum of 80 pounds to lose.. 80.. yesterday as I was driving home from a trying day I found myself wishing I would get sick so I could lose the weight. Something is so wrong with that. How can you hate yourself so much that would risk dying to be thin but you can’t seem to manage just to eat chicken and spinach for a year to get you where you should be?
Today.. right this minute, I am mad. I can’t stand where I am in this fat suit of a body. I can’t stand that I can’t just figure this out once and for all.
I’m mad for the little girl who never felt she was enough and I am mad for the grown up who is still struggling with the same issues.
Here’s to hoping you are in a much more peaceful place than I today.
Peace Love and Light