Good Morning beautiful humans!
First I would like to say THANK YOU so very much for the wonderful words of encouragement yesterday, as always you know how to pick a girl up. I love you all and your support does mean so much.
Secondly lets talk about what that was, I mean other than a shit show, it was me once again getting overwhelmed in a situation and as soon as I do, that old “friend” of mine peeks back in the door to see if I am vulnerable enough for him to sneak in. Yesterday I was.
Past Trauma is no joke, and it will fight and battle and push and shove anyway it can to stay in your life. It’s like that stalkerish ex.. the one that just refuses to believe you are done with them and they keep trying. You know the one.. you go two months and all of a sudden at 2 am you get a text that says “Hi I miss you” yea.. NO!
It's very easy to ignore that text from the ex but that trauma.. that is a cat of a different color. They will be all up in your living room having dessert with your family before you know what happened. Which is exactly what happened yesterday, that sneaky snake waltzed right in and I let him.
Monday was some what of a trying day, the reasons don’t really matter, something hurtful was said and unfortunately it is not a situation where I can say “Hey stop that… that is very hurtful” but instead of taking it like a grain of sand I let that thing build and build and build until I had a pearl the size of medium size sedan and it was crushing me. Instead of just sitting there with a sedan on my chest I let it all out in my words, I cried, I talked to someone close to me, and then I shoved that thing off the best I could and went and worked out.
As I stood there in the gym with all the mirrors, I wanted to run, leave the building, heck leave the state (is there a state I have not tried yet) because once again I felt like I didn’t fit in with all of the fit bodies around me. I stopped.. took a deep breath and picked up my weights.
By the time the work out was over I felt better, I felt more like the past was back where it belonged, and I felt stronger. I reread your comments and stood even taller.
The bottom line is the past is the past and as much as we may want it to change, it’s not going to. I have dealt with this particular piece of the past time and time again and will no doubt have to face it many more times but each time I am stronger than I was the time before and thankfully I have been able to pretty quickly identify what is happening before I am wayyyyy down the rabbit hole.
One of the things that I need a constant reminder of is, “I may not be exactly where I want to be, but I am no longer where I was and I am still fighting every day to be better” and that in of itself is the key to life.
May your day be full of reminders that you are not the past.
Peace Love and Light