I miss you sweetheart... I miss you in my life... I miss your silly laugh.. your way of making anyone smile even when they are upset. I need you right now, so badly..
My life has changed so much since the day you left, I am not who I was, I don't know if I ever will be, and now people think I am crazier than I was before. Of course I am crazy.. my daughter my beautiful fun life filled daughter is GONE! My sweet girl who would encourage me to just ""screw 'em mommy they don't mean anything go run your run.. do your thing.. I will do it with you.. we don't need that". My beautiful daughter that was supposed to be here to WATCH me run the Storm the Beach, is gone.. instead the night before I sat through your graduation and watched as you didn't walk across the stage.
Now I am being pulled down by people I thought were friends... people I trusted.. part of a support group I returned to this beach for. It took three... now I don't want to be here, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like everyone is watching me waiting on me to crack, and now some are pushing for it. I don't curse at people... I certainly try not to be disrespectful, but I don't even have the stability to stand up for myself anymore. I tried, Sis.. I did.. I tried to explain that somehow someone misunderstood and then more and more I was pushed around and kicked down on things that didn't happen. I know you De... I know you would have been there saying "Mommy.. they aren't worth it! You know the truth.. you have proof of the truth... now lets just go beat them in the race."
It's days like this that I just want to be with you, away from the hate, the hurt, the evil. Where things are happy and peaceful. I know you don't want this for me or any of your family and friends.. I know that, but it is happening, and I don't know how to stop the sadness. The things that used to make me feel so good and accomplished make me feel weak and ashamed to be doing them without out you. The medals that I so carefully hung of the miles I worked for.. mean nothing. They are from a time that was worlds away.. a time that you would make posters saying GO MOMMY! Or when we ran together.. or when I was yelling don't you dare give up on me now. Now they are reminders of things that won't happen, of races we won't run together, bootcamps we won't be at for graduation. I can't stand to look at those now.
I am rambling baby I know this.. I am sorry.. I just miss you so.
Hug your brother for me baby..
I love you