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June 28, 2013

6/28/2013

De,

I miss you sweetheart... I miss you in my life... I miss your silly laugh.. your way of making anyone smile even when they are upset. I need you right now, so badly..

My life has changed so much since the day you left, I am not who I was, I don't know if I ever will be, and now people think I am crazier than I was before. Of course I am crazy.. my daughter my beautiful fun life filled daughter is GONE! My sweet girl who would encourage me to just ""screw 'em mommy they don't mean anything go run your run.. do your thing.. I will do it with you.. we don't need that". My beautiful daughter that was supposed to be here to WATCH me run the Storm the Beach, is gone.. instead the night before I sat through your graduation and watched as you didn't walk across the stage.

Now I am being pulled down by people I thought were friends... people I trusted.. part of a support group I returned to this beach for. It took three... now I don't want to be here, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like everyone is watching me waiting on me to crack, and now some are pushing for it. I don't curse at people... I certainly try not to be disrespectful, but I don't even have the stability to stand up for myself anymore. I tried, Sis.. I did.. I tried to explain that somehow someone misunderstood and then more and more I was pushed around and kicked down on things that didn't happen. I know you De... I know you would have been there saying "Mommy.. they aren't worth it! You know the truth.. you have proof of the truth... now lets just go beat them in the race."

It's days like this that I just want to be with you, away from the hate, the hurt, the evil. Where things are happy and peaceful. I know you don't want this for me or any of your family and friends.. I know that, but it is happening, and I don't know how to stop the sadness. The things that used to make me feel so good and accomplished make me feel weak and ashamed to be doing them without out you. The medals that I so carefully hung of the miles I worked for.. mean nothing. They are from a time that was worlds away.. a time that you would make posters saying GO MOMMY! Or when we ran together.. or when I was yelling don't you dare give up on me now. Now they are reminders of things that won't happen, of races we won't run together, bootcamps we won't be at for graduation. I can't stand to look at those now.

I am rambling baby I know this.. I am sorry.. I just miss you so.
Hug your brother for me baby..
I love you
Love
Mommy

6 Comments

June 20, 2013

6/20/2013

5 Comments

De,
In two hours and 1 minute it will have been two months since you have been gone. I don't understand how it is possible, I don't understand why, I don't even understand that it is real I don't think. I look at your graduation picture and it is like I could just reach out and touch you and hear you, it doesn't seem to be a photograph, I know my mind is playing tricks on me that my heart wants it to.

You should be popping in the door any minute as your shift was over at 7, I wonder what you would say, "Hi Mommy?" "I'm Tired"? "It was a crazy night?" I wonder if you would go hang out with Mariah on the beach today, if you would go to Corolla or she here. She came to see me yesterday De... and I gave her that first Twilight book we shared, until you made me buy you another.. so now she and I both have one you read... I couldn't part with the one that had your name in it.. not yet. Maybe one day I will trade with her, but not today. Funny thing.. both of them were on your book case.

Then again you never could get enough Twilight. Do you remember the day I picked you up from school and had you called to the office? When you got there I had "the look" all the way out to the car you kept saying "what did I do?? WHAT did I do??" and I wouldn't answer. After getting in the car I thrust the folded papers at you and in the sternest voice I could muster I said.. "You made me do THIS!" I think your hands were shaking as you unfolded that paper in your hands only to find out they were tickets to the first Twilight movie on the night it came out and I had picked you up early so we could do dinner first. I wish I could make you that happy one more time.

I am headed to Mathews today, you know why, nothing else needs to be said and you did your job and I am proud of you. I asked and you answered... I heard and saw you loud and clear! Thank you for that. I am taking the SUP with me, it's on the car, you would have loved that, I can see you laughing now and me trying to take that down or put it up.. Don't worry I have a plan I am going to park in the yard so if I drop it, it doesn't hit concrete. I can't wait to get out there on the Bay and just float on it a bit and look at the sky and day dream of you. I wonder where you are almost all the time, I mean I know you are in heaven, but what are you doing, are you talking to Memo.. is she telling you things you didn't know... is Bygar telling you the "secret" to her spaghetti sauce... is Dustin skateboarding and you watching?? Is Melanie trying desperately to explain what "up the road" or "go on a fit" means to you with much frustration of a generation gap. Are you peeking down at me writing this letter, or at your Grandaddy as he goes to get the paper with out Banx. Will you catch a ride on the wings of a dragon fly this weekend and allow me to glimpse you. (please dragon fly.. NOT a horse fly).

I want to see you trying the SUP, I want to hear your laugh as you master it before me, as you hop right up like it isn't anything because you aren't afraid to fall like I am. All these things aren't possible Sis... not now, not right now. There will come a time when we will be together again, they say that time in heaven isn't like here and that a 1000 years on earth is like a day in heaven. I hope that is true Sis...for you, I don't want you missing us this badly, I don't want your heart to ache to see your friends and family as we long to see you. I pray that where you are is what Grandaddy says and that I should think of my happiest memory and multiply it by the biggest number I could think of and that is what heaven is like.

At moments time still stands still, I still find my self standing in that road with you laying there and Grandaddy holding your hand, no one letting me close to you, I think if I just fight harder to get to you that I could have had those last moments holding your hand. I know you were gone but I still didn't fight hard enough.. I should have, just to hold your hand. Just so you knew I was holding on to you with everything I had in me. Just so you knew I loved you and would miss you terribly with you gone. I didn't get those last moments and that is my fault... I didn't fight. Even in my mind when I fight harder I can't make the end different, I can't ever get to you in time, I get stopped and I can't hold your hand.

Sis... I am going to close now, I just need you to know I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I LONG FOR THE DAY I SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE AGAIN!

My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.
Love
Mommy

5 Comments

June 17, 2013

6/17/2013

5 Comments

De,

Today was your move in day, the day you said you were moving back, the day that we said we would be packing up things to put in the attic so you could have all the space you needed in your bedroom. Today was to be the day you started work. Today turned out to be the day that I unpacked the last of the things from Ganee's that were part of your life; your name plaques that I so carefully painted and decorated when I redecorated your bedroom for your birthday as a surprise, your favorite books, (I think by the time I am done reading those I will know all I need to know about vampires), your crab claws from the play, your phone, your ipod, all the bunnies that I picked out for you over the years for your birthday until you were too old and wanted money. They are all unpacked Sis, the tiny album I hand made for you with special photos and captions I wrote so you would know how much I loved you, your JV and Varsity letters from school for cheering and drama... a bunny I put your coming home from the hospital dress on, a photo of you and Lil Dustin with your hats and shirts saying Angels, the irony is almost too much to bear, your graduation cap that was so beautifully painted by Sabrina, your cast from when you broke your leg. All things that I saved that one day you might want to show your kids or friends.

All unpacked ... all put away.. on display from birth to graduation. That's it De... no more memories for me to place in your cabinet, no more mile stones for you to reach, there will be no engagement photos, wedding photos, college graduations, babies, vacations, trips with friends.... there are no more new memories... just the past that is all I have left to cling to. So many times you see sayings about letting go of the past so you can move on with your life, let go of the past it is behind you move forward. I can't quite see doing that Sis... the past included you, and I can't invision my life without you and I will not, I refuse to let go. That may mean I go through the bad days a lot more than other people, I don't know, we will see. I can't let go of the only image I have of the scene... I promise it is the worst imagine. I can't let go of the last time you hopped out of the jeep after carrying that stinky cabbage... (wonder why Ganee thought I liked cabbage so much) I hold on to the sweetness of your tiny little voice saying "I love you Mommy", I hold on to our silly conversations on facebook and you pointing out that you were my only daughter. I will hold on to these things forever.

I am not at a place to move on, or move forward, I am at a place I need to hold on to these things as tightly as I can out of fear of losing the only things I have left.. the memories of you. There are no new memories of your life flooding in, no work schedules to work out, no cars to swap around, no beach trips to make.... only the memories already made. I feel ashamed and guilty when I make new memories without you, when I try something new that you never will, when I attend a party that I know you would have had a great time at, the follow days or hours are dreadful. I cry when I think of my birthday this year... who is going to make my cake.. and make it with dark chocolate because you know that is healthier (hahaha).

I miss you so much De.. this is NOT the way your graduation was supposed to go, this was NOT the way that move in day was supposed to go... this was NOT THE WAY LIFE was supposed to go!

I love you, please look over us all... and keep sending the dragonflies, white lights, and shooting stars... I see them baby I do!
I love you so very much.
Love
Mommy

5 Comments

June 2, 2013

6/2/2013

0 Comments

De,

I woke up this morning sad and missing you. Not that I don't everyday, today was just overwhelming. I wanted to cry and couldn't. I wants to call you and couldn't. I wanted to text you and couldn't.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent the day on the beach with Amanda, Ganee, Aunt B, Carol Ann, Cindy, and others... It was a beautiful day and you would have been so proud. I hopped in three times and didn't even have to be drug in or someone holding my hand. Drake even came down and hung out, it was great. Came home to a home cooked chef made Pad Thai you would have loved, after my evening crash that is. I swear it is weird, it's like my brain and body can only handle so much then ZAP I am out cold for an hour. I wold blame the meds but they are supposed to be helping with that so who knows.

You would have had a good laugh with us about the lady on the beach who's boobs weren't exactly held in her ... I can't even call that a shirt... More like two strips of material with a string. We were all anxiously waiting on them to pop out. No such luck.

Today I woke up missing you terribly and just wanting to stay in bed. I had no where to go or to be at any certain time so it was possible. I could have just hid all day like you used to after night shift. Close the blinds. The door. And just pretend the world outside was gone. That's how I feel sometimes Sis... That the world outside is just gone. Maybe because it is so different now, that it seems that the world as I knew it is gone... I don't know I just know that I feel different, lost, and empty. How can someone surrounded by so much love and support feel so utterly hopeless and alone??!!

I know it is not fair to the boys... Isn't it strange Sis, when my friends had matching children, they would say "my boys" or "the girls" I always said "the kids" and wondered what it would be like to say the girls or boys.... As I am sure they wondered what it would be like to say "the kids". Let me tell you it sucks. I also thought to myself how this conversation would go... Meet new person, conversation starts...

Them: how many children do you have?

Me: 5

Them: oh what age and what do they do...

Me: Navy, College, Angel, Angel, High school

Them: blank stare

How do I have a conversation about my babies and leave two out, how do I talk about you and not floor the other person. This isn't fair Sis. Not at all! I should be telling everyone the stories of all if you succeeding in your futures! Not that I now have two who are as you wrote so many times in your notebooks "Forever Young" and angels.

I miss you so much... So so much..

I'm going to try to turn this day around now... To miss you in happy ways, to see you in the birds that are singing, the gentle breeze that is blowing, and the dragon flies...

We will be together soon my sweet girl..

I love you.

Mommy

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