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June 28, 2013

6/28/2013

6 Comments

 
Picture
De,

I miss you sweetheart... I miss you in my life... I miss your silly laugh.. your way of making anyone smile even when they are upset. I need you right now, so badly..

My life has changed so much since the day you left, I am not who I was, I don't know if I ever will be, and now people think I am crazier than I was before. Of course I am crazy.. my daughter my beautiful fun life filled daughter is GONE! My sweet girl who would encourage me to just ""screw 'em mommy they don't mean anything go run your run.. do your thing.. I will do it with you.. we don't need that". My beautiful daughter that was supposed to be here to WATCH me run the Storm the Beach, is gone.. instead the night before I sat through your graduation and watched as you didn't walk across the stage.

Now I am being pulled down by people I thought were friends... people I trusted.. part of a support group I returned to this beach for. It took three... now I don't want to be here, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like everyone is watching me waiting on me to crack, and now some are pushing for it. I don't curse at people... I certainly try not to be disrespectful, but I don't even have the stability to stand up for myself anymore. I tried, Sis.. I did.. I tried to explain that somehow someone misunderstood and then more and more I was pushed around and kicked down on things that didn't happen. I know you De... I know you would have been there saying "Mommy.. they aren't worth it! You know the truth.. you have proof of the truth... now lets just go beat them in the race."

It's days like this that I just want to be with you, away from the hate, the hurt, the evil. Where things are happy and peaceful. I know you don't want this for me or any of your family and friends.. I know that, but it is happening, and I don't know how to stop the sadness. The things that used to make me feel so good and accomplished make me feel weak and ashamed to be doing them without out you. The medals that I so carefully hung of the miles I worked for.. mean nothing. They are from a time that was worlds away.. a time that you would make posters saying GO MOMMY! Or when we ran together.. or when I was yelling don't you dare give up on me now. Now they are reminders of things that won't happen, of races we won't run together, bootcamps we won't be at for graduation. I can't stand to look at those now.

I am rambling baby I know this.. I am sorry.. I just miss you so.
Hug your brother for me baby..
I love you
Love
Mommy
6 Comments
Christy
6/28/2013 12:34:38 am

Hang in there. It's when you're down that you learn who your friends are. Keep those around you that build you up...not tear you down! Go out on your board, that's where you seem to find some peace.

Reply
Kate
6/28/2013 12:53:02 am

I'm so sorry that people who were supposed to be your support system turned out not to be. That's a rough blow. The only advice I can offer is to try not to let them have that power over you by keeping you from the things and the people you need the most right now. And I want to say thank you for sharing that this happened, because it lets us know so we can help you and support you ♥

Reply
Joann
6/28/2013 02:21:29 am

No one can ever know the pain of losing a child but those parents like you who have experienced it. I lost my sister, my best friend, and it really did a number on me... took a long time to shake myself back to life... but it wasn't my CHILD.

No one can tell you how you're supposed to feel or act or even pull yourself out of bed and get through each day, and anyone who says or does anything other than try to lift you up and be there for you is someone you don't need in your life. You need emotional support and understanding and patience and as much positivity around you as possible. It is not about what anyone else thinks or feels; it is about YOU needing to grieve and all anyone should be doing is offering some light to help guide you through the darkness.

I know your sweet girl is up there watching and wanting you to keep on running. Don't let anyone tell you you should be doing anything but what you need to do for you... and for your daughter. Keep her memory alive by lacing up those shoes and running toward your goal of finding peace on the other side of the chaos you now feel. Each moment is a stride, each day a lap, and each breath is your daughter's love giving you the strength you need to finish the race. Just remember she is with you every step of the way and you can do anything. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers, and now when I run I will be running not just for me, but for you and Deanna. Love and Godspeed, my friend.

Reply
AUNT ANN
6/28/2013 03:41:21 am

Pray for those who have offended you but also walk away from them for awhile.You don't need this drama in your life right now.One true friend is worth more than a dozen so-called friends.I know you have several true friends in OBX stay close to them.They will be benefical in your time of need and they will be there for you.Re,God loves you and I do,too.

Reply
Sandy
6/28/2013 05:09:09 am

Screw them all , how dare someone judge you when they have no flipping idea how THEY would react to such a tragedy! My words for them are not nice and they SUCK! I and many true friends love and support you through it all. Xoxo

Reply
Jill
7/1/2013 11:28:51 am

Annie...I have been reading your posts, and most of them leave me sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks. You will never know what a positive impact you had on me during the short time I worked near you. Of the hundreds of folks that I worked with over my 28 yr career, you are one of the very few that I regard as a friend. I will never forget the genuine kindness you extended to me. I wish I lived close to you, to be able to offer you support. I wish you didn't have to hurt like this. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to just talk, I am hear for you. And something tells me that you have touched the lives of many others in the same positive manner that you did mine. You are an awesome young lady, and don't ever forget that, my friend!

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