De,

Apparently Monday's are hard for me... I don't know if it is being back from Mathews, if it is just having to return to routines of work, groceries, phone calls, that the weekends provide me relief from. Even this past weekend that was filled with extra hard stinky work that wore me out completely, has left me today with the emptiness of not having freedom.

While I know that work is incredibly important and not something I can just stop, I enjoy my time outside now, it is where I feel the closest to you, day or night, land or water. When I am outside I can stay away from the sadness of the news, or even the drama of other people, I can be closer to peace. Since the accident I have often thought of shutting my facebook down and just using my blog as communication, but that would not be fair to you or the Give Live Hug Project, nor to the friends that look forward to hearing from me and the only source of communication we have is Facebook. Old friends, New friends, New Old friends and Old New friends ... they are all there and I appreciate having their words of support many coming exactly when it is needed.

But there is a flip side to ever story isn't there Sis, there is the drama, the pettiness, the ugliness, the racism, the hate, the lack of common sense, when I am needing to live in a world full of love and peace, I am surrounded by more hurt, it feels like walls that you just can't break through. I have resorted to skim reading and if key words are present I don't even read the whole status, I have hidden people that I know can be major negative, I have taken measures to protect myself. Some of these people I love and would never delete them, I can still see their posts but on my terms, when I am ready.

I have to find a way to make Monday's better, a way to get through the ugliness of this world any day, but how when one of the most beautiful things that was ever on this earth is now gone...

I have been so sad, and hurt, and just plain beat up and beat down in the last 86 days that I have wondered if I was suicidal because there were moments and hours and days that I just did not want to exist anymore, only to come to realize I am not, that I am just not in any way afraid to die. I know you would beat everyone to me so I could have one of your hugs. Heaven to me is where you are, where your brother is, my grandparents and friends that have gone on before me, I am not one for silver and gold roads much, but if you were there I would take it. I think my point Sis is I miss you... I would still trade everything to have you back, I know this not an option, so until the day I see you again, I will continue to write to you, I will continue to blog in hopes of helping others, I will continue your Give. Live. Hug. project, I will continue to look for signs you are close by and most of all I will continue to talk to you when the stars are beautiful and bright!

Some how slowly maybe this will help Monday's not be so bad...

I miss you so much my sweet girl. I love you!!!

Love
Mommy

De,

I miss you sweetheart... I miss you in my life... I miss your silly laugh.. your way of making anyone smile even when they are upset. I need you right now, so badly..

My life has changed so much since the day you left, I am not who I was, I don't know if I ever will be, and now people think I am crazier than I was before. Of course I am crazy.. my daughter my beautiful fun life filled daughter is GONE! My sweet girl who would encourage me to just ""screw 'em mommy they don't mean anything go run your run.. do your thing.. I will do it with you.. we don't need that". My beautiful daughter that was supposed to be here to WATCH me run the Storm the Beach, is gone.. instead the night before I sat through your graduation and watched as you didn't walk across the stage.

Now I am being pulled down by people I thought were friends... people I trusted.. part of a support group I returned to this beach for. It took three... now I don't want to be here, I don't feel comfortable. I feel like everyone is watching me waiting on me to crack, and now some are pushing for it. I don't curse at people... I certainly try not to be disrespectful, but I don't even have the stability to stand up for myself anymore. I tried, Sis.. I did.. I tried to explain that somehow someone misunderstood and then more and more I was pushed around and kicked down on things that didn't happen. I know you De... I know you would have been there saying "Mommy.. they aren't worth it! You know the truth.. you have proof of the truth... now lets just go beat them in the race."

It's days like this that I just want to be with you, away from the hate, the hurt, the evil. Where things are happy and peaceful. I know you don't want this for me or any of your family and friends.. I know that, but it is happening, and I don't know how to stop the sadness. The things that used to make me feel so good and accomplished make me feel weak and ashamed to be doing them without out you. The medals that I so carefully hung of the miles I worked for.. mean nothing. They are from a time that was worlds away.. a time that you would make posters saying GO MOMMY! Or when we ran together.. or when I was yelling don't you dare give up on me now. Now they are reminders of things that won't happen, of races we won't run together, bootcamps we won't be at for graduation. I can't stand to look at those now.

I am rambling baby I know this.. I am sorry.. I just miss you so.
Hug your brother for me baby..
I love you
Love
Mommy

De,

I woke up this morning sad and missing you.  Not that I don't everyday, today was just overwhelming. I wanted to cry and couldn't. I wants to call you and couldn't. I wanted to text you and couldn't. 

Yesterday was a good day. I spent the day on the beach with Amanda, Ganee, Aunt B, Carol Ann, Cindy, and others... It was a beautiful day and you would have been so proud. I hopped in three times and didn't even have to be drug in or someone holding my hand. Drake even came down and hung out, it was great. Came home to a home cooked chef made Pad Thai you would have loved, after my evening crash that is. I swear it is weird, it's like my brain and body can only handle so much then ZAP I am out cold for an hour. I wold blame the meds but they are supposed to be helping with that so who knows. 

You would have had a good laugh with us about the lady on the beach who's boobs weren't exactly held in her ... I can't even call that a shirt... More like two strips of material with a string. We were all anxiously waiting on them to pop out. No such luck. 

Today I woke up missing you terribly and just wanting to stay in bed.  I had no where to go or to be at any certain time so it was possible. I could have just hid all day like you used to after night shift. Close the blinds. The door. And just pretend the world outside was gone.  That's how I feel sometimes Sis... That the world outside is just gone. Maybe because it is so different now, that it seems that the world as I knew it is gone... I don't know I just know that I feel different, lost, and empty. How can someone surrounded by so much love and support feel so utterly hopeless and alone??!! 

I know it is not fair to the boys... Isn't it strange Sis, when my friends had matching children, they would say "my boys" or "the girls" I always said "the kids" and wondered what it would be like to say the girls or boys.... As I am sure they wondered what it would be like to say "the kids". Let me tell you it sucks. I also thought to myself how this conversation would go... Meet new person, conversation starts...

Them: how many children do you have?

Me: 5

Them: oh what age and what do they do...

Me: Navy, College, Angel, Angel, High school

Them: blank stare 

How do I have a conversation about my babies and leave two out, how do I talk about you and not floor the other person. This isn't fair Sis. Not at all! I should be telling everyone the stories of all if you succeeding in your futures! Not that I now have two who are as you wrote so many times in your notebooks "Forever Young" and angels. 

I miss you so much... So so much.. 

I'm going to try to turn this day around now... To miss you in happy ways, to see you in the birds that are singing, the gentle breeze that is blowing, and the dragon flies... 

We will be together soon my sweet girl.. 

I love you.

Mommy

De,

It's the first weekend I have a choice, the first weekend that I could stay in OBX if I wanted. I keep telling myself that you aren't there in Mathews, that you are everywhere, but some part of me is drawn back there every chance I get. Heck De I don't want to leave when it is time.

I have resolved the fact that for two years I need to stay here for Drake, he has made his life here, football and school, so taking him back to Mathews now would be a huge step in the wrong direction. But he is out of school, he is finished, he passed. We could be on the road by 2 if I worked straight through. I am going to talk Drake when he wakes up.

I know it is all a little bit crazy and a bit to late but I still haven't found that place, the one place I feel closest to you, the one place that I can just be still with you in my thoughts. Everyone says you are with me everywhere, and that I am not alone, well I FEEL alone. I keep trying to feel you, to sense you, to hear you... and I feel lost, sense and hear nothing. I have gone in all three of your bedrooms, you aren't there, I visit you at St Paul, you aren't there, I can't find the spot you are.

I want to believe that it doesn't matter where I am, you are. I want to believe that so badly it hurts, because I don't see it, I don't feel it. I want to believe that you tripped me up just to make me smile, that your presence was in the dragon fly that caught a ride on my finger for a mile and a half yesterday. That you were trying to tell me "I am here... I am here .. but at times I need to fly away!"

Life still hasn't moved on for me Sis. I can't make my heart believe you are gone, like really truly gone and not coming back. How do I make my heart believe that? How do I make my heart believe I will never hear that laugh again, see that smile again, or even that frown cause I ticked you off again. Who is going to come bebopping in my door without a care in the world talking about this and that and rambling about stuff that I don't even know about just because you want to ramble.

WHO IS GOING TO BE SIMBA???

Yes Sis there is as good chance I am losing my mind. That I am not holding it together so well here, but I am trying. I know if I stay here this weekend that what I will end up doing is locking myself in the house. I am still just not ready for people people. It is the act of going out and putting on that fake smile, and pretending that I actually want to be somewhere that is completely and utterly EXHAUSTING! There are really only 3 places I have found any comfort at all, I just have to chose where that will be this weekend.

Sis I need people to understand, that I love them and I appreciate them, but I am not comfortable around people, lots of people, few people, a couple of people, people I am not super close to. I have a hard time following conversations and get lost in my own thoughts really quickly and it turns into an embarrassment for all involved as no one knows what exactly to do. I rarely laugh, or smile, and everyone has this sense of urgency to get me out and going and doing this and that and the other.. when the truth is I can't. Those things are still part of the unreality of this for me. How can these things, movies, beach trips, bands, dinners, shopping trips, BE HAPPENING when part of my world ended. How can they laugh and carry on and act like a huge part of this universe is gone?? Then I remember it isn't a huge part of their universe it is a huge part of mine.

Yesterday I read a post online on one of the sites I frequent, and Pastor Betsy talked to me about the same thing so I think you are trying really hard to get that message to me. What if it were reversed, what if it was me that was taken that day? What if I was gone and had left you, your brothers and grandparents to carry on after my death. What would I want to see for you? I would want to see you happy and healthy and carry out any of your dreams you desired, I would want you proud of your graduation and accomplishments, I would want you to be proud of the mommy you had even if I wasn't the best in the world, I would want for you all the things that I didn't do right and all the things I did. I would want to you to live your life and be you and spend your time giving to others.

As simple as it is to write that those are the things that I want for you, I can imagine they are close to the things you would want for me, but I can't muster the happiness to fulfill them. The regret and guilt and grief is just truly too much. There are so many what if's what if I hadn't do this, or what if I had made you do that. They all play through my mind constantly. The scene, I can't get it out of my head, because it seems as soon as I have what I think it is right in my head something else comes to light and changes it, the clothes you wore, how you got out of the car, how badly or unbadly the car was damaged, all things that play into what exactly happened that day. I play it over and over trying to get the pieces to fall into place like some movie that was cut up that I am trying to tape back together to play correctly.

I am constantly thinking of your last thoughts, were you scared, did you have time to be, were you hurting, were you amazed at the sight of heaven, did it frighten you to realize you had left your body? Does it hurt you now how sad we all are? Do you live knowing that it will be ok soon and we will see each other again? There are so many questions that go through my mind I don't know what to do with them except write them down.

Someone recently told me that keyboard to screen did not have the forethought or the elegance (my word not theirs) as pen to paper, that may be the case but my brain flies so fast that the only way I can get the words out fast enough is by typing. What you get from my typing is pure raw emotion, pure raw thoughts, my pure raw love, and if that can't be seen through my words, then I apologize. These are my outlets and they are what I need to get through. Some of it may be tough to read a times I am sure, but these are my thoughts and feelings to you sis... I wouldn't want them edited, nor a great amount of thought put into "should I say this or should I say that?" I just go. It is just a difference of opinion on the topic, neither right nor wrong. Just an explanation of why the post and letters are so rambly at times, my brain is just getting out what it needs to.

I have to say that it kinda shocks me that the people I thought would be reading your blog and letters the most don't, but that is ok.. because really I suppose they are between us anyway.

I know exactly what you would be saying right now.. behave yourself, angels aren't supposed to talk that way.

What I am saying.. is I miss you.. I love you.. and I STILL don't know how I am going to keep going without you. As you so graciously reminded me shortly before the accident.. you were my "only daughter". My heart is in a bazillion pieces... and if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put that big old egg back together who the heck is going to put ME back together?

I am going to shut up now Sis.. I love you, hug your brother.
My love flies to you both on the wings of angels.

Love
Mommy

De,

We did it! Your page www.facebook.com/givelivehug made 2000 likes tonight. I will say that my feelings are much like Grandaddy's, wish we didn't have a page to make or 2000 people who are reading your story this way. We wish we could just have you back. We would do anything to change what happened on that Saturday morning. Anything. You were so loved. So very very loved.

I spent some time with Anita, Mariah, Kenda Jo, and Angela today. We all have a few of your favorite things and things you last touched or wore. I think it makes us all feel a little closer to you. It felt as if you were guiding us to make the right places for the right things. I cleaned up your room at Ganees this weekend too and I did my best to do what I know you would want done. I know the things you didn't want found and I promise it's all ok. Mommy has them and they will get where they will belong.

I won't lie to you...it has been heartbreaking. Emotionally and physically draining. I shouldn't be going through your things, it feels like I am snooping through your personal items which is just not something I liked to do. I promise you every note I found I neatly put them in a box and they will only be given to the other writer. They aren't my business, what was my business was finding your coke blanket I bought you last Christmas and Mariah letting me know you would fight for it because your Mommy had given it to you and it was your snuggly. I think of how many times we fought over the snuggles while we watched silly shows on TV. Teen Mom? Really De did you have to get me hooked on THAT one??

I found your books at Ganees and while some aren't ones I got into reading before I will be reading every word of them. Just to absorb more of your thoughts. I remember us fighting over the Twilight books and who would read it first! Much like Dustin and I with Harry Potter. We finally got to the point we had to buy two at a time! I miss you so much my sweet angel. I often wonder are you here with me. Are you close by? Are you in heaven rejoicing not knowing the grief we have? Do you have to witness the sadness? I wonder what heaven is like and if I will be there with you soon and that your time frames don't work like earth and to you I will be there in minutes not years. What if I grow old and look different will you know me?

This weekend did not go as planned at all. I had no intention of cleaning your room and choosing the ite,s that I would like to keep. How does one do that, I simply wanted to say. Don't touch anything! These are hers! She will need them. But I know that is irrational. I wanted to pack it all and just take everything with me. Even the empty salsa jar.. Yea I found that sis. But I knew it was unrealistic and that some of the items I was finding needed to find their way to their new owners. Places I knew you would want them to give the people in your life comfort.

Because of the change in plans and touching your things,favorite things I know you loved and cherished it completely has thrown me in a tail spin. I broke plans that I had, I went to a family gathering and couldn't have fun, no matter how good it was to see my "other family" celebrating. But a birthdate you will never have rendered me into an evening of sadness. I hope my mood did not bring anyone down. I haven't spent enough time with my friend this weekend I know this is hurting him too. Sometimes I feel like such a burden. The big elephant in the room that can't smile that no one knows what to do with. I pray he will have patience with me as I sort through these days without you in it. I keep promising things we get back to normal soon I just don't know what normal is. I do know enough I will do what it takes to figure at least that part of my life out, because he deserves to be happy too! I hope he knows De, how much he means to me and can hang on just awhile longer as I sort through my sadness.

I love you my sweet beautiful girl!!!
Mommy

De,
You tried. I am so sorry that what you wanted didn't happen. You will be honored regardless simply for the wish of your unselfish final gift. If I could change it, I would, if I could bring you back, I would.

You can, however, bet on a couple of things, one, I will NOT let the Deanna Hug project fail! I know now that if you had only had it on that you would be here with us right now. Granddaddy went today to the car, I didn't mean for him to see it but he decided to, and the damage was to the other side. I don't understand why you didn't have it on! I never will. I am not angry at you honey, I just don't understand. I will raise awareness and scream and shout to anyone who will listen the complete and total NEED to have it on EACH AND EVERY TIME! It takes 2 seconds to save a lifetime of pain and grief. TWO SECONDS.

The other things is organ donation, Ganee has that one under control. There will be a greater awareness raised in regards to time frames and protocols needed when a person is an organ donor. I am so sorry that the Medical Examiner was too busy to come to you when they were called. Had they made it sooner maybe your final wish would have happened. While I HATE that I am even aware of this issue, I will do my best to ensure that others don't feel the added pain of knowing their loved one was unable to help others, due to lack of procedures or the fact that someone was at a picnic. There should be back ups and policies. There aren't any in little small towns like ours. We are an after thought to the big places like Richmond. I am so sorry my sweet girl.

I know you know that Drake and I graduated from Bootcamp this morning. The only thing missing from our photo was you. I had you with me, your heart, right where it belonged right next to mine. I made you my honor graduate, the day you left us, my angel honor graduate that will keep me going even when I don't want to go. As I look on my arm at the new bands given to me today it serves as a reminder for me not to give up. I know you wouldn't want that. Drake did so good honey, you would have been proud of him. He went when I couldn't, he encouraged me to go when I could, but he never stopped. Even on the days he didn't sleep so good the night before he carried on and went. He has been a rock, a steady right there when I needed him. Just the quiet "Mom, don't cry" that he whispers to me at times remind me that you taught him compassion well. There was a time he didn't do so good in that department, but you always had a kind and soft word for those who were hurting, He couldn't have learned it from anyone but you.

I love you so much my sweet angel and I am so so sorry.
Until I see you again.
Mommy

De,
Today I called Lifenet in hopes they can let me know who you were able to help. You were so giving I pray that people will be healing from the final gift you left behind as you left us here. I know you would want me to not be as sad as I am and I am trying my beautiful girl I am trying. I am haunted by the the last facebook you sent me, "I love my life, family and friends too much.." those words will forever be etched in my memory as I know you did. You LOVED your life, you LOVED your family and you LOVED your friends. Because you were so full of love for us, it is an even greater loss for us. We LOVED you too and want you here with us.

I suppose that is a selfish thought, but as Sally (that is what I am going to call my person that I talk to.. Sally.. no it isn't her real name but it is fitting for reasons few will understand) put it yesterday, the issue is you are my baby, and while I didn't need to know where you were every second of the day, I knew where you were. I knew you were safe with one of your Mommies... now as much as I want to believe you are in heaven and safe and happy and surrounded by those that loved you before they even met you it is hard for me. Reality is hard for me, tangible is hard for me, so how is the unseen supposed to be an easy belief or a comfort.

Even in the times I couldn't get in touch with you, I knew I could call numerous other people and KNOW you were ok. There isn't a phone number for me to call anymore.. there isn't a person I can check in with. I want to believe you are soaring with the angels, and laughing at my dumb self and all of the things I am forgetting and tripping over because my mind is in just a different place.

For days I thought to myself.. no knows how I feel.. no one. Then one by one friends, and family, crept into my mind.. Christal, Kathy, Anita, Bert, Pam, Debra, Leslie, Sue.. the list goes on and on and I realized that they too understood how this horrible feeling is life altering and uncontrollable. What I did not realize then was the number of people I would meet that's feelings identically mirror mine. Oddly Kaitlyn's mom is writing a blog too. Kaitlyn was just a few years older than you (23) when she ended her sadness by taking her own life just a few short days before you left us. Three times in two days now things I wrote on my blog or commented to her Mom personally mirrored identical feelings. While the means we so different the outcomes are the same. Our beautiful daughter's are gone. We can no longer hold you, comfort you, or cheer you on. We are left with these emotions that need to go somewhere. It is odd that we both started blogs of our grief and have both publicly posted letters to our daughters on Facebook.

I, like her, feel that there is a connection in writing these letters publicly, why i don't know, maybe it is so that some other mother will one day not feel so alone. Or maybe it is so that some child understands that their Mommy will miss them terribly if they are gone. I can't answer the question, i just know that for some reason I feel like the words are getting to you. Maybe it is because all of your friends and family now are part of you as they carry on your legacy of life. Give. Live. Hug. maybe it is that I am hoping to reach out to some stranger and letting them know, hey it is OK you aren't crazy for writing a letter on Facebook. I seriously don't know. But I do know that it feels right. The blog and the letters they feel right, so for you readers that do think this is a bit odd or to personal, I am sorry but this particular journey is not about you.

De, if heaven works the way I hope, find Kaitlyn today, give her one of your hugs and let her know it is from her Mama and kitty.. she had a kitty too! Her mom is taking care of it just like I am taking care of Kittems. I miss your beautiful smile baby girl.

I just thought of something.. years and years ago.. you were only two or three. I held you in my arms and sang Browned Eyed girl to you (yes i skipped over the weird lyrics..) You just laid there and let me rock you. I am not sure how that happened as you were in constant movement, but I remember. You will forever be my Brown Eyed girl baby.

Mommy Loves you.
Mommy