De,
I woke up this morning sad and missing you. Not that I don't everyday, today was just overwhelming. I wanted to cry and couldn't. I wants to call you and couldn't. I wanted to text you and couldn't.
Yesterday was a good day. I spent the day on the beach with Amanda, Ganee, Aunt B, Carol Ann, Cindy, and others... It was a beautiful day and you would have been so proud. I hopped in three times and didn't even have to be drug in or someone holding my hand. Drake even came down and hung out, it was great. Came home to a home cooked chef made Pad Thai you would have loved, after my evening crash that is. I swear it is weird, it's like my brain and body can only handle so much then ZAP I am out cold for an hour. I wold blame the meds but they are supposed to be helping with that so who knows.
You would have had a good laugh with us about the lady on the beach who's boobs weren't exactly held in her ... I can't even call that a shirt... More like two strips of material with a string. We were all anxiously waiting on them to pop out. No such luck.
Today I woke up missing you terribly and just wanting to stay in bed. I had no where to go or to be at any certain time so it was possible. I could have just hid all day like you used to after night shift. Close the blinds. The door. And just pretend the world outside was gone. That's how I feel sometimes Sis... That the world outside is just gone. Maybe because it is so different now, that it seems that the world as I knew it is gone... I don't know I just know that I feel different, lost, and empty. How can someone surrounded by so much love and support feel so utterly hopeless and alone??!!
I know it is not fair to the boys... Isn't it strange Sis, when my friends had matching children, they would say "my boys" or "the girls" I always said "the kids" and wondered what it would be like to say the girls or boys.... As I am sure they wondered what it would be like to say "the kids". Let me tell you it sucks. I also thought to myself how this conversation would go... Meet new person, conversation starts...
Them: how many children do you have?
Me: 5
Them: oh what age and what do they do...
Me: Navy, College, Angel, Angel, High school
Them: blank stare
How do I have a conversation about my babies and leave two out, how do I talk about you and not floor the other person. This isn't fair Sis. Not at all! I should be telling everyone the stories of all if you succeeding in your futures! Not that I now have two who are as you wrote so many times in your notebooks "Forever Young" and angels.
I miss you so much... So so much..
I'm going to try to turn this day around now... To miss you in happy ways, to see you in the birds that are singing, the gentle breeze that is blowing, and the dragon flies...
We will be together soon my sweet girl..
I love you.
Mommy
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