De,
We did it! Your page www.facebook.com/givelivehug made 2000 likes tonight. I will say that my feelings are much like Grandaddy's, wish we didn't have a page to make or 2000 people who are reading your story this way. We wish we could just have you back. We would do anything to change what happened on that Saturday morning. Anything. You were so loved. So very very loved.
I spent some time with Anita, Mariah, Kenda Jo, and Angela today. We all have a few of your favorite things and things you last touched or wore. I think it makes us all feel a little closer to you. It felt as if you were guiding us to make the right places for the right things. I cleaned up your room at Ganees this weekend too and I did my best to do what I know you would want done. I know the things you didn't want found and I promise it's all ok. Mommy has them and they will get where they will belong.
I won't lie to you...it has been heartbreaking. Emotionally and physically draining. I shouldn't be going through your things, it feels like I am snooping through your personal items which is just not something I liked to do. I promise you every note I found I neatly put them in a box and they will only be given to the other writer. They aren't my business, what was my business was finding your coke blanket I bought you last Christmas and Mariah letting me know you would fight for it because your Mommy had given it to you and it was your snuggly. I think of how many times we fought over the snuggles while we watched silly shows on TV. Teen Mom? Really De did you have to get me hooked on THAT one??
I found your books at Ganees and while some aren't ones I got into reading before I will be reading every word of them. Just to absorb more of your thoughts. I remember us fighting over the Twilight books and who would read it first! Much like Dustin and I with Harry Potter. We finally got to the point we had to buy two at a time! I miss you so much my sweet angel. I often wonder are you here with me. Are you close by? Are you in heaven rejoicing not knowing the grief we have? Do you have to witness the sadness? I wonder what heaven is like and if I will be there with you soon and that your time frames don't work like earth and to you I will be there in minutes not years. What if I grow old and look different will you know me?
This weekend did not go as planned at all. I had no intention of cleaning your room and choosing the ite,s that I would like to keep. How does one do that, I simply wanted to say. Don't touch anything! These are hers! She will need them. But I know that is irrational. I wanted to pack it all and just take everything with me. Even the empty salsa jar.. Yea I found that sis. But I knew it was unrealistic and that some of the items I was finding needed to find their way to their new owners. Places I knew you would want them to give the people in your life comfort.
Because of the change in plans and touching your things,favorite things I know you loved and cherished it completely has thrown me in a tail spin. I broke plans that I had, I went to a family gathering and couldn't have fun, no matter how good it was to see my "other family" celebrating. But a birthdate you will never have rendered me into an evening of sadness. I hope my mood did not bring anyone down. I haven't spent enough time with my friend this weekend I know this is hurting him too. Sometimes I feel like such a burden. The big elephant in the room that can't smile that no one knows what to do with. I pray he will have patience with me as I sort through these days without you in it. I keep promising things we get back to normal soon I just don't know what normal is. I do know enough I will do what it takes to figure at least that part of my life out, because he deserves to be happy too! I hope he knows De, how much he means to me and can hang on just awhile longer as I sort through my sadness.
I love you my sweet beautiful girl!!!
Mommy
We did it! Your page www.facebook.com/givelivehug made 2000 likes tonight. I will say that my feelings are much like Grandaddy's, wish we didn't have a page to make or 2000 people who are reading your story this way. We wish we could just have you back. We would do anything to change what happened on that Saturday morning. Anything. You were so loved. So very very loved.
I spent some time with Anita, Mariah, Kenda Jo, and Angela today. We all have a few of your favorite things and things you last touched or wore. I think it makes us all feel a little closer to you. It felt as if you were guiding us to make the right places for the right things. I cleaned up your room at Ganees this weekend too and I did my best to do what I know you would want done. I know the things you didn't want found and I promise it's all ok. Mommy has them and they will get where they will belong.
I won't lie to you...it has been heartbreaking. Emotionally and physically draining. I shouldn't be going through your things, it feels like I am snooping through your personal items which is just not something I liked to do. I promise you every note I found I neatly put them in a box and they will only be given to the other writer. They aren't my business, what was my business was finding your coke blanket I bought you last Christmas and Mariah letting me know you would fight for it because your Mommy had given it to you and it was your snuggly. I think of how many times we fought over the snuggles while we watched silly shows on TV. Teen Mom? Really De did you have to get me hooked on THAT one??
I found your books at Ganees and while some aren't ones I got into reading before I will be reading every word of them. Just to absorb more of your thoughts. I remember us fighting over the Twilight books and who would read it first! Much like Dustin and I with Harry Potter. We finally got to the point we had to buy two at a time! I miss you so much my sweet angel. I often wonder are you here with me. Are you close by? Are you in heaven rejoicing not knowing the grief we have? Do you have to witness the sadness? I wonder what heaven is like and if I will be there with you soon and that your time frames don't work like earth and to you I will be there in minutes not years. What if I grow old and look different will you know me?
This weekend did not go as planned at all. I had no intention of cleaning your room and choosing the ite,s that I would like to keep. How does one do that, I simply wanted to say. Don't touch anything! These are hers! She will need them. But I know that is irrational. I wanted to pack it all and just take everything with me. Even the empty salsa jar.. Yea I found that sis. But I knew it was unrealistic and that some of the items I was finding needed to find their way to their new owners. Places I knew you would want them to give the people in your life comfort.
Because of the change in plans and touching your things,favorite things I know you loved and cherished it completely has thrown me in a tail spin. I broke plans that I had, I went to a family gathering and couldn't have fun, no matter how good it was to see my "other family" celebrating. But a birthdate you will never have rendered me into an evening of sadness. I hope my mood did not bring anyone down. I haven't spent enough time with my friend this weekend I know this is hurting him too. Sometimes I feel like such a burden. The big elephant in the room that can't smile that no one knows what to do with. I pray he will have patience with me as I sort through these days without you in it. I keep promising things we get back to normal soon I just don't know what normal is. I do know enough I will do what it takes to figure at least that part of my life out, because he deserves to be happy too! I hope he knows De, how much he means to me and can hang on just awhile longer as I sort through my sadness.
I love you my sweet beautiful girl!!!
Mommy
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