De,
Today was your move in day, the day you said you were moving back, the day that we said we would be packing up things to put in the attic so you could have all the space you needed in your bedroom. Today was to be the day you started work. Today turned out to be the day that I unpacked the last of the things from Ganee's that were part of your life; your name plaques that I so carefully painted and decorated when I redecorated your bedroom for your birthday as a surprise, your favorite books, (I think by the time I am done reading those I will know all I need to know about vampires), your crab claws from the play, your phone, your ipod, all the bunnies that I picked out for you over the years for your birthday until you were too old and wanted money. They are all unpacked Sis, the tiny album I hand made for you with special photos and captions I wrote so you would know how much I loved you, your JV and Varsity letters from school for cheering and drama... a bunny I put your coming home from the hospital dress on, a photo of you and Lil Dustin with your hats and shirts saying Angels, the irony is almost too much to bear, your graduation cap that was so beautifully painted by Sabrina, your cast from when you broke your leg. All things that I saved that one day you might want to show your kids or friends.
All unpacked ... all put away.. on display from birth to graduation. That's it De... no more memories for me to place in your cabinet, no more mile stones for you to reach, there will be no engagement photos, wedding photos, college graduations, babies, vacations, trips with friends.... there are no more new memories... just the past that is all I have left to cling to. So many times you see sayings about letting go of the past so you can move on with your life, let go of the past it is behind you move forward. I can't quite see doing that Sis... the past included you, and I can't invision my life without you and I will not, I refuse to let go. That may mean I go through the bad days a lot more than other people, I don't know, we will see. I can't let go of the only image I have of the scene... I promise it is the worst imagine. I can't let go of the last time you hopped out of the jeep after carrying that stinky cabbage... (wonder why Ganee thought I liked cabbage so much) I hold on to the sweetness of your tiny little voice saying "I love you Mommy", I hold on to our silly conversations on facebook and you pointing out that you were my only daughter. I will hold on to these things forever.
I am not at a place to move on, or move forward, I am at a place I need to hold on to these things as tightly as I can out of fear of losing the only things I have left.. the memories of you. There are no new memories of your life flooding in, no work schedules to work out, no cars to swap around, no beach trips to make.... only the memories already made. I feel ashamed and guilty when I make new memories without you, when I try something new that you never will, when I attend a party that I know you would have had a great time at, the follow days or hours are dreadful. I cry when I think of my birthday this year... who is going to make my cake.. and make it with dark chocolate because you know that is healthier (hahaha).
I miss you so much De.. this is NOT the way your graduation was supposed to go, this was NOT the way that move in day was supposed to go... this was NOT THE WAY LIFE was supposed to go!
I love you, please look over us all... and keep sending the dragonflies, white lights, and shooting stars... I see them baby I do!
I love you so very much.
Love
Mommy
Today was your move in day, the day you said you were moving back, the day that we said we would be packing up things to put in the attic so you could have all the space you needed in your bedroom. Today was to be the day you started work. Today turned out to be the day that I unpacked the last of the things from Ganee's that were part of your life; your name plaques that I so carefully painted and decorated when I redecorated your bedroom for your birthday as a surprise, your favorite books, (I think by the time I am done reading those I will know all I need to know about vampires), your crab claws from the play, your phone, your ipod, all the bunnies that I picked out for you over the years for your birthday until you were too old and wanted money. They are all unpacked Sis, the tiny album I hand made for you with special photos and captions I wrote so you would know how much I loved you, your JV and Varsity letters from school for cheering and drama... a bunny I put your coming home from the hospital dress on, a photo of you and Lil Dustin with your hats and shirts saying Angels, the irony is almost too much to bear, your graduation cap that was so beautifully painted by Sabrina, your cast from when you broke your leg. All things that I saved that one day you might want to show your kids or friends.
All unpacked ... all put away.. on display from birth to graduation. That's it De... no more memories for me to place in your cabinet, no more mile stones for you to reach, there will be no engagement photos, wedding photos, college graduations, babies, vacations, trips with friends.... there are no more new memories... just the past that is all I have left to cling to. So many times you see sayings about letting go of the past so you can move on with your life, let go of the past it is behind you move forward. I can't quite see doing that Sis... the past included you, and I can't invision my life without you and I will not, I refuse to let go. That may mean I go through the bad days a lot more than other people, I don't know, we will see. I can't let go of the only image I have of the scene... I promise it is the worst imagine. I can't let go of the last time you hopped out of the jeep after carrying that stinky cabbage... (wonder why Ganee thought I liked cabbage so much) I hold on to the sweetness of your tiny little voice saying "I love you Mommy", I hold on to our silly conversations on facebook and you pointing out that you were my only daughter. I will hold on to these things forever.
I am not at a place to move on, or move forward, I am at a place I need to hold on to these things as tightly as I can out of fear of losing the only things I have left.. the memories of you. There are no new memories of your life flooding in, no work schedules to work out, no cars to swap around, no beach trips to make.... only the memories already made. I feel ashamed and guilty when I make new memories without you, when I try something new that you never will, when I attend a party that I know you would have had a great time at, the follow days or hours are dreadful. I cry when I think of my birthday this year... who is going to make my cake.. and make it with dark chocolate because you know that is healthier (hahaha).
I miss you so much De.. this is NOT the way your graduation was supposed to go, this was NOT the way that move in day was supposed to go... this was NOT THE WAY LIFE was supposed to go!
I love you, please look over us all... and keep sending the dragonflies, white lights, and shooting stars... I see them baby I do!
I love you so very much.
Love
Mommy
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