In two hours and 1 minute it will have been two months since you have been gone. I don't understand how it is possible, I don't understand why, I don't even understand that it is real I don't think. I look at your graduation picture and it is like I could just reach out and touch you and hear you, it doesn't seem to be a photograph, I know my mind is playing tricks on me that my heart wants it to.
You should be popping in the door any minute as your shift was over at 7, I wonder what you would say, "Hi Mommy?" "I'm Tired"? "It was a crazy night?" I wonder if you would go hang out with Mariah on the beach today, if you would go to Corolla or she here. She came to see me yesterday De... and I gave her that first Twilight book we shared, until you made me buy you another.. so now she and I both have one you read... I couldn't part with the one that had your name in it.. not yet. Maybe one day I will trade with her, but not today. Funny thing.. both of them were on your book case.
Then again you never could get enough Twilight. Do you remember the day I picked you up from school and had you called to the office? When you got there I had "the look" all the way out to the car you kept saying "what did I do?? WHAT did I do??" and I wouldn't answer. After getting in the car I thrust the folded papers at you and in the sternest voice I could muster I said.. "You made me do THIS!" I think your hands were shaking as you unfolded that paper in your hands only to find out they were tickets to the first Twilight movie on the night it came out and I had picked you up early so we could do dinner first. I wish I could make you that happy one more time.
I am headed to Mathews today, you know why, nothing else needs to be said and you did your job and I am proud of you. I asked and you answered... I heard and saw you loud and clear! Thank you for that. I am taking the SUP with me, it's on the car, you would have loved that, I can see you laughing now and me trying to take that down or put it up.. Don't worry I have a plan I am going to park in the yard so if I drop it, it doesn't hit concrete. I can't wait to get out there on the Bay and just float on it a bit and look at the sky and day dream of you. I wonder where you are almost all the time, I mean I know you are in heaven, but what are you doing, are you talking to Memo.. is she telling you things you didn't know... is Bygar telling you the "secret" to her spaghetti sauce... is Dustin skateboarding and you watching?? Is Melanie trying desperately to explain what "up the road" or "go on a fit" means to you with much frustration of a generation gap. Are you peeking down at me writing this letter, or at your Grandaddy as he goes to get the paper with out Banx. Will you catch a ride on the wings of a dragon fly this weekend and allow me to glimpse you. (please dragon fly.. NOT a horse fly).
I want to see you trying the SUP, I want to hear your laugh as you master it before me, as you hop right up like it isn't anything because you aren't afraid to fall like I am. All these things aren't possible Sis... not now, not right now. There will come a time when we will be together again, they say that time in heaven isn't like here and that a 1000 years on earth is like a day in heaven. I hope that is true Sis...for you, I don't want you missing us this badly, I don't want your heart to ache to see your friends and family as we long to see you. I pray that where you are is what Grandaddy says and that I should think of my happiest memory and multiply it by the biggest number I could think of and that is what heaven is like.
At moments time still stands still, I still find my self standing in that road with you laying there and Grandaddy holding your hand, no one letting me close to you, I think if I just fight harder to get to you that I could have had those last moments holding your hand. I know you were gone but I still didn't fight hard enough.. I should have, just to hold your hand. Just so you knew I was holding on to you with everything I had in me. Just so you knew I loved you and would miss you terribly with you gone. I didn't get those last moments and that is my fault... I didn't fight. Even in my mind when I fight harder I can't make the end different, I can't ever get to you in time, I get stopped and I can't hold your hand.
Sis... I am going to close now, I just need you to know I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I LONG FOR THE DAY I SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE AGAIN!
My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.