Today I called Lifenet in hopes they can let me know who you were able to help. You were so giving I pray that people will be healing from the final gift you left behind as you left us here. I know you would want me to not be as sad as I am and I am trying my beautiful girl I am trying. I am haunted by the the last facebook you sent me, "I love my life, family and friends too much.." those words will forever be etched in my memory as I know you did. You LOVED your life, you LOVED your family and you LOVED your friends. Because you were so full of love for us, it is an even greater loss for us. We LOVED you too and want you here with us.
I suppose that is a selfish thought, but as Sally (that is what I am going to call my person that I talk to.. Sally.. no it isn't her real name but it is fitting for reasons few will understand) put it yesterday, the issue is you are my baby, and while I didn't need to know where you were every second of the day, I knew where you were. I knew you were safe with one of your Mommies... now as much as I want to believe you are in heaven and safe and happy and surrounded by those that loved you before they even met you it is hard for me. Reality is hard for me, tangible is hard for me, so how is the unseen supposed to be an easy belief or a comfort.
Even in the times I couldn't get in touch with you, I knew I could call numerous other people and KNOW you were ok. There isn't a phone number for me to call anymore.. there isn't a person I can check in with. I want to believe you are soaring with the angels, and laughing at my dumb self and all of the things I am forgetting and tripping over because my mind is in just a different place.
For days I thought to myself.. no knows how I feel.. no one. Then one by one friends, and family, crept into my mind.. Christal, Kathy, Anita, Bert, Pam, Debra, Leslie, Sue.. the list goes on and on and I realized that they too understood how this horrible feeling is life altering and uncontrollable. What I did not realize then was the number of people I would meet that's feelings identically mirror mine. Oddly Kaitlyn's mom is writing a blog too. Kaitlyn was just a few years older than you (23) when she ended her sadness by taking her own life just a few short days before you left us. Three times in two days now things I wrote on my blog or commented to her Mom personally mirrored identical feelings. While the means we so different the outcomes are the same. Our beautiful daughter's are gone. We can no longer hold you, comfort you, or cheer you on. We are left with these emotions that need to go somewhere. It is odd that we both started blogs of our grief and have both publicly posted letters to our daughters on Facebook.
I, like her, feel that there is a connection in writing these letters publicly, why i don't know, maybe it is so that some other mother will one day not feel so alone. Or maybe it is so that some child understands that their Mommy will miss them terribly if they are gone. I can't answer the question, i just know that for some reason I feel like the words are getting to you. Maybe it is because all of your friends and family now are part of you as they carry on your legacy of life. Give. Live. Hug. maybe it is that I am hoping to reach out to some stranger and letting them know, hey it is OK you aren't crazy for writing a letter on Facebook. I seriously don't know. But I do know that it feels right. The blog and the letters they feel right, so for you readers that do think this is a bit odd or to personal, I am sorry but this particular journey is not about you.
De, if heaven works the way I hope, find Kaitlyn today, give her one of your hugs and let her know it is from her Mama and kitty.. she had a kitty too! Her mom is taking care of it just like I am taking care of Kittems. I miss your beautiful smile baby girl.
I just thought of something.. years and years ago.. you were only two or three. I held you in my arms and sang Browned Eyed girl to you (yes i skipped over the weird lyrics..) You just laid there and let me rock you. I am not sure how that happened as you were in constant movement, but I remember. You will forever be my Brown Eyed girl baby.
Mommy Loves you.