It's the first weekend I have a choice, the first weekend that I could stay in OBX if I wanted. I keep telling myself that you aren't there in Mathews, that you are everywhere, but some part of me is drawn back there every chance I get. Heck De I don't want to leave when it is time.
I have resolved the fact that for two years I need to stay here for Drake, he has made his life here, football and school, so taking him back to Mathews now would be a huge step in the wrong direction. But he is out of school, he is finished, he passed. We could be on the road by 2 if I worked straight through. I am going to talk Drake when he wakes up.
I know it is all a little bit crazy and a bit to late but I still haven't found that place, the one place I feel closest to you, the one place that I can just be still with you in my thoughts. Everyone says you are with me everywhere, and that I am not alone, well I FEEL alone. I keep trying to feel you, to sense you, to hear you... and I feel lost, sense and hear nothing. I have gone in all three of your bedrooms, you aren't there, I visit you at St Paul, you aren't there, I can't find the spot you are.
I want to believe that it doesn't matter where I am, you are. I want to believe that so badly it hurts, because I don't see it, I don't feel it. I want to believe that you tripped me up just to make me smile, that your presence was in the dragon fly that caught a ride on my finger for a mile and a half yesterday. That you were trying to tell me "I am here... I am here .. but at times I need to fly away!"
Life still hasn't moved on for me Sis. I can't make my heart believe you are gone, like really truly gone and not coming back. How do I make my heart believe that? How do I make my heart believe I will never hear that laugh again, see that smile again, or even that frown cause I ticked you off again. Who is going to come bebopping in my door without a care in the world talking about this and that and rambling about stuff that I don't even know about just because you want to ramble.
WHO IS GOING TO BE SIMBA???
Yes Sis there is as good chance I am losing my mind. That I am not holding it together so well here, but I am trying. I know if I stay here this weekend that what I will end up doing is locking myself in the house. I am still just not ready for people people. It is the act of going out and putting on that fake smile, and pretending that I actually want to be somewhere that is completely and utterly EXHAUSTING! There are really only 3 places I have found any comfort at all, I just have to chose where that will be this weekend.
Sis I need people to understand, that I love them and I appreciate them, but I am not comfortable around people, lots of people, few people, a couple of people, people I am not super close to. I have a hard time following conversations and get lost in my own thoughts really quickly and it turns into an embarrassment for all involved as no one knows what exactly to do. I rarely laugh, or smile, and everyone has this sense of urgency to get me out and going and doing this and that and the other.. when the truth is I can't. Those things are still part of the unreality of this for me. How can these things, movies, beach trips, bands, dinners, shopping trips, BE HAPPENING when part of my world ended. How can they laugh and carry on and act like a huge part of this universe is gone?? Then I remember it isn't a huge part of their universe it is a huge part of mine.
Yesterday I read a post online on one of the sites I frequent, and Pastor Betsy talked to me about the same thing so I think you are trying really hard to get that message to me. What if it were reversed, what if it was me that was taken that day? What if I was gone and had left you, your brothers and grandparents to carry on after my death. What would I want to see for you? I would want to see you happy and healthy and carry out any of your dreams you desired, I would want you proud of your graduation and accomplishments, I would want you to be proud of the mommy you had even if I wasn't the best in the world, I would want for you all the things that I didn't do right and all the things I did. I would want to you to live your life and be you and spend your time giving to others.
As simple as it is to write that those are the things that I want for you, I can imagine they are close to the things you would want for me, but I can't muster the happiness to fulfill them. The regret and guilt and grief is just truly too much. There are so many what if's what if I hadn't do this, or what if I had made you do that. They all play through my mind constantly. The scene, I can't get it out of my head, because it seems as soon as I have what I think it is right in my head something else comes to light and changes it, the clothes you wore, how you got out of the car, how badly or unbadly the car was damaged, all things that play into what exactly happened that day. I play it over and over trying to get the pieces to fall into place like some movie that was cut up that I am trying to tape back together to play correctly.
I am constantly thinking of your last thoughts, were you scared, did you have time to be, were you hurting, were you amazed at the sight of heaven, did it frighten you to realize you had left your body? Does it hurt you now how sad we all are? Do you live knowing that it will be ok soon and we will see each other again? There are so many questions that go through my mind I don't know what to do with them except write them down.
Someone recently told me that keyboard to screen did not have the forethought or the elegance (my word not theirs) as pen to paper, that may be the case but my brain flies so fast that the only way I can get the words out fast enough is by typing. What you get from my typing is pure raw emotion, pure raw thoughts, my pure raw love, and if that can't be seen through my words, then I apologize. These are my outlets and they are what I need to get through. Some of it may be tough to read a times I am sure, but these are my thoughts and feelings to you sis... I wouldn't want them edited, nor a great amount of thought put into "should I say this or should I say that?" I just go. It is just a difference of opinion on the topic, neither right nor wrong. Just an explanation of why the post and letters are so rambly at times, my brain is just getting out what it needs to.
I have to say that it kinda shocks me that the people I thought would be reading your blog and letters the most don't, but that is ok.. because really I suppose they are between us anyway.
I know exactly what you would be saying right now.. behave yourself, angels aren't supposed to talk that way.
What I am saying.. is I miss you.. I love you.. and I STILL don't know how I am going to keep going without you. As you so graciously reminded me shortly before the accident.. you were my "only daughter". My heart is in a bazillion pieces... and if all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put that big old egg back together who the heck is going to put ME back together?
I am going to shut up now Sis.. I love you, hug your brother.
My love flies to you both on the wings of angels.