You, my dear are stronger than you think you are. We all know that. I am glad you are working on yourself. Nobody expects you to be who you were, but we all know you will be the best you can. You have a huge support group of friend and family. You are never alone in this journey you are on. love you!! Xoxo
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You know what is awesome about being as crazy as me... I am all over the board and there has to be something in me everyone can love
So I did a little test... scrolled through my friends list again. Not one of you on here that I don't want as my friend. I realized that the grinding annoyance of Facebook was coming from people who aren't my friends and watching their comments. Block will be enforced.
Received a phone call from a dear friend I haven't spoken except for via facebook in years. Just the concern he had for me and his thoughtfulness has blessed my day more than he could ever imagine! Thank you my dear friend, your kindness since the accident has not gone unnoticed and I will forever cherish the hand written note from your father.
Interesting question posed today on a grief site. If you knew you had 24 hours to live how would you spend it? I personally would spend time writing a letter to each of my children and my parents and another to my friends. I would call my friends close by and ask them to go for an evening run and dinner. I would come home and watch Dexter with Amanda and at the end of the night I would take my little Banx and walk to the end of the Avalon Pier...have a beer... and let the tide take me away.
No one would know. I want my last moments filled with happiness and joy. Memories and words that others can hold on to forever. No tears.... only joy and laughter. I would not be sad to go... so I would not want my loved ones sad in my last moments. De used to do this thing. It irked me to know end. She stared at me. If we were driving down the road and I was singing she would just simply stare. I asked her why she did that. She always said I don't know. I would fuss..Please stop it is freaking me out. I would spend part of my time of that last day staring at the ones I love. Thinking back... it was as if she did it to never forget. I wish I had stared back. Last but not least... I would be grateful that at the end of the day I would be in heaven with my arms wrapped around my babies. So should I die.. Please don't be sad for me. Be happy I got my finally wish. My heart and love is with my friends Chris and Kami Trusz tonight. These two are ranked among the best people in my life and I would give anything to take away their hurt. I had the pleasure of meeting his mom and I am thankful to have been given that opportunity in life. It was during some of my darker days and I remember her making me smile. May my angel meet yours with a hug like one of yours Chris. I love ya buddy.
Depression is a silent fatal disease. You can look at, talk to, be friends with someone suffering from depression and never know it.
I am incredibly vocal (if you can call writing about being vocal..open is probably a better word) my depression so most people I know see how incredibly rotten this is even if you don't understand why I can't just cheer up. I think most people suffer alone or with very few people knowing. I know that people I meet in the store or walking on the beach have no idea I am depressed or how incredibly close to death I have been. I doubt most of you reading this have any real idea how close I have been. That's the thing about depression. ..I can be "ok" one minute and feel like I am not worthy of living the next. That just being gone is the answer... don't try to tell me to live for my family or my boys because in those moments they are better off without me. Some how some way I have made it through each time. I would get a text, or a Facebook message, or an email that gave me the time to pause and let the voices become silent. My point is be kind to everyone. You never know ... you just never know. You may be in a rotten mood and snap off a nasty remark or a snotty hello to someone who is on the edge... your words may be the last they hear or they could be the words that allow them to hang on just a little while longer. The most important thing is that suicide is no one's fault. The survivors are left with many what ifs.... don't. Chances are the decision was made in a moment.. not over days or months. The depression may have been there for years... but that moment, that decision. .. I don't think it is something constantly in the mind... at least it is not in mine. You never know so just be kind and smile. You have no idea how broken the person in front of you could be even though they are smiling through the tears in their eyes. this is what I am .. after looking up the true definitions of both psychotic and neurotic. I have determined I am a neurotic psychotic. Neurotic means to suck at dealing with reality.---Not to be confused with Psychotic, which means to be out of touch with reality,.. So the truth is I am really sucking at dealing with the reality I am out touch with!
Me.. today's meeting is cancelled I am taking the rest of the afternoon off (I have already put in 8 hours by the way)
Boss: I need you to... Me: I need to take the rest of the afternoon off. Boss: But... Me: I will do that tomorrow I am taking the rest of the afternoon off I HAVE to.. I am going to fall asleep on my keyboard. Boss: ok.. Me: *gets up from desk... walks 5 steps ... turns around unplugs phone* I know my boss. |
Random Musings from Facebook
My random status thoughts and love sent to me by others. Just a glimpse into the madness, sadness, and silliness of my mind. Archives
February 2014
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