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5/14/2013 PM

5/14/2013

1 Comment

 
Hey baby,

I sit here this afternoon in tears and can't seem to make them stop again. I just want this all to be some cruel horrible joke. Where you pop out and say.. GOTCHA.. for all the bad things I ever did. I don't understand how exactly I am supposed to go on.. to even try seems too be too much.

You know everyone says I need to get back to myself.. well who the hell am I now? I don't even know. Nothing seems important or worth doing. I want you to come back so bad. I want you to have the future you were supposed to.. not this. This is not fair! This is NOT how it is supposed to be.


Everything hurts... I don't understand why they couldn't fix you that day.. why you didn't have your seat belt on.. I don't understand any of it. All I know is that you aren't coming back and sometimes I don't even know that. It is quite honestly the worst story movie book of all time. One that you keep waiting for the ending to change so you can put it down and be ok about it. But it isn't.. it just is going to keep going.

I love you.. so much.

Love

Mommy

1 Comment

5/14/2013

5/14/2013

1 Comment

 
My sweet girl,

23 days 22 hours and 47 minutes you have been gone. As bad as I am with math without a piece of paper that is stuck in my head. I can glance at the time and within seconds I know. I took so much time for granted, now it is a number that is just embedded in my head. Nineteen years and 57 days was NOT long enough! It was not long enough for me to tell you how much I loved you, or to even show you.

Glimpses are coming back to me in memories, I remember the sound of your cry, as a small child, when hurt or angry. I can hear that. I hope that isn't you telling me how sucky of a Mom I was, because I already know. I couldn't begin to tell you what was wrong with me back then, depression maybe I don't know. Maybe I will get to the bottom of it here. I remember the night that I was playing with you and I shut the door on you in your bedroom, scared the day lights out of you. I am sorry for that, I am sorry for laughing as you flung yourself in my arms when I opened the door. I guess the funny thing about that now is that YOU would do that to YOUR friends, granted they aren't 4 and scared of the dark, but I don't remember you being scared of the dark after that, ever. You weren't scared to go anywhere or do anything that I can remember.

But memories are not why I am here today, they will come in time but today I am just here to tell you that I love you. I love you more than any words could ever portray, more than any emotion could show, more than I was able to be. I am sorry for that, I guess I have more of Ganee in me than I thought and just didn't know what to do with this beautiful little girl, but I did my best. I did what I thought was right for you and your brother. And proud, oh De I was so proud of you, you were becoming, no you HAD become the wonderful young lady I knew you could be all along. I guess I just needed to back off and let you do it on your own. I just didn't want to see you head down the same road I did. It wasn't an easy one.

EMILY JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE.. SHE DREAMT OF YOU LAST NIGHT! I can't wait to hear the words.

(Em's Dream.. :I was in food lion and I asked if Deanna was around to Joe Rowe (who I havent spoken with in years so that was random) and in the dream, you had died, not her, and I walked up and said I don't know you that well but I hope you're OK. Your mama loved you and was an amazing woman, and she had been crying and she said I miss her a lot but she would want me to be strong and I know she loved me...and then I woke up. It was really weird and first but then I laid back down and was like I HAVE to tell AM)

I miss you so much De.. I miss singing Lion King.. or the Wheels on the Bus.. or even just arguing with you. If you were just here I would let you hide all the pudding cups you wanted in your underwear drawer! I pray that you know I only did the best I could even if it was bad.

I love you my sweet girl.

Love,

Mommy

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