Apparently Monday's are hard for me... I don't know if it is being back from Mathews, if it is just having to return to routines of work, groceries, phone calls, that the weekends provide me relief from. Even this past weekend that was filled with extra hard stinky work that wore me out completely, has left me today with the emptiness of not having freedom.
While I know that work is incredibly important and not something I can just stop, I enjoy my time outside now, it is where I feel the closest to you, day or night, land or water. When I am outside I can stay away from the sadness of the news, or even the drama of other people, I can be closer to peace. Since the accident I have often thought of shutting my facebook down and just using my blog as communication, but that would not be fair to you or the Give Live Hug Project, nor to the friends that look forward to hearing from me and the only source of communication we have is Facebook. Old friends, New friends, New Old friends and Old New friends ... they are all there and I appreciate having their words of support many coming exactly when it is needed.
But there is a flip side to ever story isn't there Sis, there is the drama, the pettiness, the ugliness, the racism, the hate, the lack of common sense, when I am needing to live in a world full of love and peace, I am surrounded by more hurt, it feels like walls that you just can't break through. I have resorted to skim reading and if key words are present I don't even read the whole status, I have hidden people that I know can be major negative, I have taken measures to protect myself. Some of these people I love and would never delete them, I can still see their posts but on my terms, when I am ready.
I have to find a way to make Monday's better, a way to get through the ugliness of this world any day, but how when one of the most beautiful things that was ever on this earth is now gone...
I have been so sad, and hurt, and just plain beat up and beat down in the last 86 days that I have wondered if I was suicidal because there were moments and hours and days that I just did not want to exist anymore, only to come to realize I am not, that I am just not in any way afraid to die. I know you would beat everyone to me so I could have one of your hugs. Heaven to me is where you are, where your brother is, my grandparents and friends that have gone on before me, I am not one for silver and gold roads much, but if you were there I would take it. I think my point Sis is I miss you... I would still trade everything to have you back, I know this not an option, so until the day I see you again, I will continue to write to you, I will continue to blog in hopes of helping others, I will continue your Give. Live. Hug. project, I will continue to look for signs you are close by and most of all I will continue to talk to you when the stars are beautiful and bright!
Some how slowly maybe this will help Monday's not be so bad...
I miss you so much my sweet girl. I love you!!!