I am truly amazed the number of people my writing and letters to De speak to. I don't do anything fancy. I just empty my heart. I thank each of you for taking the time to read it! Love to all.
Headed to VA today to see your play. Anita Cecil, Ganee, Stephanie H. Rowe, Mariah Jowers, and Grandaddy are all going. I know this will make you happy and you will shine your rays of love down on us all as we share this experience together.
I went back to the Dr today and well.. we don't need to go into detail about that, you already know the outcome but for you, for Phyllis Marsh and for the sanity of all of those around me I will listen. for TWO weeks. They have two weeks to prove to me this is the right course. You know how I feel about these things...
I have to spend some time this weekend picking out photos for the year book.. this breaks my heart. Please help guide me to chose the ones that you would want.
My heart still breaks that you will never answer these letters but it is one of the things that keeps me sane, an outlet for my words of love to you. It is getting closer to graduation and the day that Mariah would be bringing your happy little self down to the beach. I haven't had that heart to speak to the lady at Food Lion yet. Your aunt did that for me, they were heart broken. I hope you see how many people loved and cherished your life.
I am grateful that YOU lived every day, every minute to the fullest. You never let anyone or anything hold you back from YOUR dreams or wants and desires. Even when I wasn't thrilled about them I am so grateful now that many times I gave into your "But Mommy!!!"
I also remember the day that you saw my fierce love for you first hand. Do you remember that De? The day (we shall call him that boy) that boy followed you around the beach? The day that when I got there he was laying on YOUR beach towel, the day I told him that I felt it was best that he carry his self back where he came from. He told lies that day De... three.. three different stories. But your Mommy took care of it, I would say it is safe to bet that he never spoke to you again. This Mommy Lioness was protecting her baby Simba.. I wasn't a crazy parrot that day was I Sis! Crazy maybe but I had no fear. I was going to take him down to protect you.
I know you questioned some of the things I did, some of the things I didn't want you doing. But it was for protection De. My parents did the same thing. Granddaddy had to chase a boy away from me too. More than once but I know now as I am sure you do that it was out of protection.
If only I could have protected you one more time. Been there to just say Sis, where is your seat belt, or even thrown the mom belt across you, as so many parents do, the outcome could have been different. I would have thrown myself in front of you if it had meant that you would live. That is what a mothers love it about. Pure sacrifice of themselves and their feelings and physical being to protect their babies.
I know you are rejoicing with Jesus, your brother, great grandparents and friends (new and old) but I can't help but wish you were here with me. I long for the day that I can be with you again. To hold your hand and to sing our very off key Lion King song.. I wonder if Jesus will be offended at your desire to be King.
Look over all of us this holiday weekend my sweet angel.
Hug your brother and tell him I miss you too!
My love flies to you both on wings of angels.
i love you
Virtual hug sent followed by an ass slapping, piece of virtual bacon.
You know I said God must think I am made of Tungsten? Turns out he is trying to make something stronger than that... It's name is Re. I just don't think I am strong enough to take all these knocks!
You tried. I am so sorry that what you wanted didn't happen. You will be honored regardless simply for the wish of your unselfish final gift. If I could change it, I would, if I could bring you back, I would.
You can, however, bet on a couple of things, one, I will NOT let the Deanna Hug project fail! I know now that if you had only had it on that you would be here with us right now. Granddaddy went today to the car, I didn't mean for him to see it but he decided to, and the damage was to the other side. I don't understand why you didn't have it on! I never will. I am not angry at you honey, I just don't understand. I will raise awareness and scream and shout to anyone who will listen the complete and total NEED to have it on EACH AND EVERY TIME! It takes 2 seconds to save a lifetime of pain and grief. TWO SECONDS.
The other things is organ donation, Ganee has that one under control. There will be a greater awareness raised in regards to time frames and protocols needed when a person is an organ donor. I am so sorry that the Medical Examiner was too busy to come to you when they were called. Had they made it sooner maybe your final wish would have happened. While I HATE that I am even aware of this issue, I will do my best to ensure that others don't feel the added pain of knowing their loved one was unable to help others, due to lack of procedures or the fact that someone was at a picnic. There should be back ups and policies. There aren't any in little small towns like ours. We are an after thought to the big places like Richmond. I am so sorry my sweet girl.
I know you know that Drake and I graduated from Bootcamp this morning. The only thing missing from our photo was you. I had you with me, your heart, right where it belonged right next to mine. I made you my honor graduate, the day you left us, my angel honor graduate that will keep me going even when I don't want to go. As I look on my arm at the new bands given to me today it serves as a reminder for me not to give up. I know you wouldn't want that. Drake did so good honey, you would have been proud of him. He went when I couldn't, he encouraged me to go when I could, but he never stopped. Even on the days he didn't sleep so good the night before he carried on and went. He has been a rock, a steady right there when I needed him. Just the quiet "Mom, don't cry" that he whispers to me at times remind me that you taught him compassion well. There was a time he didn't do so good in that department, but you always had a kind and soft word for those who were hurting, He couldn't have learned it from anyone but you.
I love you so much my sweet angel and I am so so sorry.
Until I see you again.
Today I called Lifenet in hopes they can let me know who you were able to help. You were so giving I pray that people will be healing from the final gift you left behind as you left us here. I know you would want me to not be as sad as I am and I am trying my beautiful girl I am trying. I am haunted by the the last facebook you sent me, "I love my life, family and friends too much.." those words will forever be etched in my memory as I know you did. You LOVED your life, you LOVED your family and you LOVED your friends. Because you were so full of love for us, it is an even greater loss for us. We LOVED you too and want you here with us.
I suppose that is a selfish thought, but as Sally (that is what I am going to call my person that I talk to.. Sally.. no it isn't her real name but it is fitting for reasons few will understand) put it yesterday, the issue is you are my baby, and while I didn't need to know where you were every second of the day, I knew where you were. I knew you were safe with one of your Mommies... now as much as I want to believe you are in heaven and safe and happy and surrounded by those that loved you before they even met you it is hard for me. Reality is hard for me, tangible is hard for me, so how is the unseen supposed to be an easy belief or a comfort.
Even in the times I couldn't get in touch with you, I knew I could call numerous other people and KNOW you were ok. There isn't a phone number for me to call anymore.. there isn't a person I can check in with. I want to believe you are soaring with the angels, and laughing at my dumb self and all of the things I am forgetting and tripping over because my mind is in just a different place.
For days I thought to myself.. no knows how I feel.. no one. Then one by one friends, and family, crept into my mind.. Christal, Kathy, Anita, Bert, Pam, Debra, Leslie, Sue.. the list goes on and on and I realized that they too understood how this horrible feeling is life altering and uncontrollable. What I did not realize then was the number of people I would meet that's feelings identically mirror mine. Oddly Kaitlyn's mom is writing a blog too. Kaitlyn was just a few years older than you (23) when she ended her sadness by taking her own life just a few short days before you left us. Three times in two days now things I wrote on my blog or commented to her Mom personally mirrored identical feelings. While the means we so different the outcomes are the same. Our beautiful daughter's are gone. We can no longer hold you, comfort you, or cheer you on. We are left with these emotions that need to go somewhere. It is odd that we both started blogs of our grief and have both publicly posted letters to our daughters on Facebook.
I, like her, feel that there is a connection in writing these letters publicly, why i don't know, maybe it is so that some other mother will one day not feel so alone. Or maybe it is so that some child understands that their Mommy will miss them terribly if they are gone. I can't answer the question, i just know that for some reason I feel like the words are getting to you. Maybe it is because all of your friends and family now are part of you as they carry on your legacy of life. Give. Live. Hug. maybe it is that I am hoping to reach out to some stranger and letting them know, hey it is OK you aren't crazy for writing a letter on Facebook. I seriously don't know. But I do know that it feels right. The blog and the letters they feel right, so for you readers that do think this is a bit odd or to personal, I am sorry but this particular journey is not about you.
De, if heaven works the way I hope, find Kaitlyn today, give her one of your hugs and let her know it is from her Mama and kitty.. she had a kitty too! Her mom is taking care of it just like I am taking care of Kittems. I miss your beautiful smile baby girl.
I just thought of something.. years and years ago.. you were only two or three. I held you in my arms and sang Browned Eyed girl to you (yes i skipped over the weird lyrics..) You just laid there and let me rock you. I am not sure how that happened as you were in constant movement, but I remember. You will forever be my Brown Eyed girl baby.
Mommy Loves you.
no one... NO ONE.. should ever have to hold their babies death certificate in their hands. ever.
I lay here tonight reading another mommies journey of this life we are left here struggling to muddle through. It's so sad I am not alone in my feelings or helplessness and emptiness. I pray you know I loved you and was proud of who you were. I still don't know how I am going to keep going without you here, but there are so many mommies that are feeling this too. Did I do enough, did I teach you enough, did you know I loved you? I talk to you each night before bed even if only a thought or two, I wonder do you hear me? I pray that you will come to me in my dreams.. I wonder if you are trying and because of the way I have to sleep you aren't getting through. I am scared your memories will never come back, that I won't ever remember the sound of your voice or your laugh. I miss you so very much my sweet angel! My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels, hug each other tight for me tonight. I love you!
Random Musings from Facebook
My random status thoughts and love sent to me by others. Just a glimpse into the madness, sadness, and silliness of my mind.