I guess I am trying to remember more important things now, like your smile, your laugh, and well that look. The exact amount of time doesn't seem so relevant because every second has been so very hard and it seems like forever and no time all mixed in one. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.
I remember you giving grandaddy hugs on the phone when you were 3 like it was yesterday, I can't remember what your voice sounded like because it seems like it was a lifetime ago since I heard it. I remember you holding a bowl of cabbage the last time I saw you just like it had been a few hours ago. I don't remember the last text you sent me. I remember the last message I sent you, so desperately I was trying to reach you that morning, just seems so bizarre since it wasn't in my nature to do that to you. You would call when you were ready. You would show up when you were ready. You would reply when you were ready. But you didn't. Ganee called me instead. My exact words as I picked up the phone, "Oh she must have been called you." You didn't.
Regardless if I can rattle of the exact minutes since you have been gone, I do know one thing for certain. The 20th never fails to remind me. 22 months this time De. In 2 days you would have been 21. In 2 months it will be 2 years. I used to hate the number 3. I have no idea why, I just did not like 3. Today 2s aren't my friend. I always loved that your birthday was 2/22. I think 02/22/2022 would have been an amazing day. Now not so much. Do you celebrate angelversaries in heaven like you would have an Earthly birthday? Is your Earthly birthday even important there? I guess if you celebrate being an angel that makes you 22 months today. (if one person tells me that you can't be an angel because the Bible isn't written that way and God said people can't be angels I am telling you right now, I will not be a happy Mama. My question to you is how do you know she wasn't an angel to start with sent here on a mission to better this world and her job was done? It's not up for debate, its how I chose to look at it, and when you lose one of your children then come talk to me about how you feel about it, until then I don't really care.) DEANNA STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!
Yes Deanna, the last 22 months have driven your already looney Mommy pretty much over the edge. Questioning every move I made as your Mommy. Filed with so many emotions about the 19 years you were here. Love, Pride, Anger, Regret, Guilt, Pain, Happiness, Joy.. it's all there. All of the emotions of a life time wrapped up in a little box that is called my heart. Sometimes its all so mixed up that I can't even tell which one I am feeling anymore. Do you have emotions there? Do you miss us like we miss you? Can you see what a screwed up mess I am? Do you know now how much you were loved?
There are so many questions. And the only answer to any of them is there is no answer.
The 20th. One solid truth in a world full of questions. The 20th.
The day you left.
My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.