21 months. 91 weeks. 640 days. 15,360 hours. 921,600 minutes. 55,296,000 seconds.
I don't understand how the time keeps ticking by. Tick Tick Tick Tick.
I didn't think I would make it 1 second with you gone, much less 21 months. I still struggle my darling girl. The more time goes by the harder I have finding reasons to stay here. The more I miss you. Your voice. Your smile. Your "I love you Mommy"s.
People tell me you wouldn't want me to be so sad, that you would want me to live my life and be happy. I know it's true. You were never one to let anything hold you back, always out there doing your thing. I just find myself rooted in this sadness of all the things I should have done, could have done, didn't do. All of the what ifs, why nots, how comes. They circle my mind like a hurricane and never stop. Never resting on, "you did the best you could mom." I don't know if that day will ever come without the understanding of why you were taken to heaven so soon.
Life has continued to tick on by all those months, weeks, days and I have done nothing. Stuck here like a slug. Writing this makes me feel ashamed. I wonder if you and all the other angels in heaven are able to look down and say .. "hey.. Look, that one right there, that's my mom." if you are I am afraid that you may be turning away not pointing yours out, or picking another and saying.. "there that is my mom." Someone out going, someone happy, someone that still has a passion for life.
I know I let you down in life little girl and afraid I continue to do so even in death. There is just one thing that has remained the same... my love for you, it will never flatter.
You are not now or will ever be forgotten my girl. My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.