Give. Live. Hug.
Follow Me:
  • Re's Journey
    • Re's Journey 2011-2013
    • Re's Journey 2007 - 2011
  • Spindles
  • Cafe Mais Sha
  • De's Story
    • Photos of De
    • Signs of De
    • Deanna Hugs
  • Glimpses into my mind
  • Banx, Kittum and Fat Beagle
  • Favorite People, Places and Things
    • Family and Friends
    • Bootcamp Family
    • Favorite Places and Things
    • Me!
    • Crafties I Made
    • Deanna's Christmas Tree
  • Encouragements, Insights, and Funnies
    • Encouragement MeMes
    • Funny MeMes
    • Grief Memes
    • Favorite Postsecrets
    • Words of Support from April 20th
  • Races, Runs and other Fun Events
    • Deanna's Candle Light Service
    • Deanna's 5k 2013
    • Pretty Muddy
    • OBX Marathon 2013
  • Contact Us

21

1/20/2015

5 Comments

 
Picture
My dear Angel,

21 months. 91 weeks. 640 days. 15,360 hours. 921,600 minutes. 55,296,000 seconds.

I don't understand how the time keeps ticking by. Tick Tick Tick Tick.

I didn't think I would make it 1 second with you gone, much less 21 months. I still struggle my darling girl. The more time goes by the harder I have finding reasons to stay here. The more I miss you. Your voice. Your smile. Your "I love you Mommy"s.

People tell me you wouldn't want me to be so sad, that you would want me to live my life and be happy. I know it's true. You were never one to let anything hold you back, always out there doing your thing. I just find myself rooted in this sadness of all the things I should have done, could have done, didn't do. All of the what ifs, why nots, how comes. They circle my mind like a hurricane and never stop. Never resting on, "you did the best you could mom." I don't know if that day will ever come without the understanding of why you were taken to heaven so soon.

Life has continued to tick on by all those months, weeks, days and I have done nothing. Stuck here like a slug. Writing this makes me feel ashamed. I wonder if you and all the other angels in heaven are able to look down and say .. "hey.. Look, that one right there, that's my mom." if you are I am afraid that you may be turning away not pointing yours out, or picking another and saying.. "there that is my mom." Someone out going, someone happy, someone that still has a passion for life.

I know I let you down in life little girl and afraid I continue to do so even in death. There is just one thing that has remained the same... my love for you, it will never flatter.

You are not now or will ever be forgotten my girl. My love flies to you and your brother on the wings of angels.
Love Always.
Mommy
5 Comments
Dianne
1/19/2015 09:29:55 pm

Please don't doubt yourself. Deanna loved you with all of her heart. There is nothing like a Mother and Daughters love for each other. I know she was proud to call you "Mom". Like your Dad has told me over and over again the bond you two had was always strong and never wavering. Love you!!!

Reply
Give Live Hug
1/19/2015 10:30:18 pm

Love you so much xoxox

Reply
Diane Fischer
1/20/2015 05:23:59 am

Nobody should ever have to write about the loss of a child, but my goodness the writing has GOT to be helpful in molding those nightmarish memories, the loving encouragement of others, the strength you've shown, the times of feeling weak and leaning on God and friends. We ALL grow the most in the storms of our lives and very few storms come anywhere close to the loss of a child. I see so much growth in your words over this time since Deanna became your precious Angel. Every day you open your eyes is a victory that you will follow God's path to victory over the darkness. I feel stronger, braver, more courageous each day myself, knowing how hard your struggle must be......yes, we ALL whine, but those that love us pray for us in every whine, every tear, every breath we take! Your writing is precious and blessed! Thank you for sharing!

Reply
Renee E
1/20/2015 05:43:51 am

You are doing fine, don't look back at what you didn't do but look at all the memories that you did make together! Those are priceless and I know she is still very proud of her Mom. I pray this darkness removes itself from you and that you can move forward with all the love in your heart for her and your boys. Don't beat yourself up I know it must be hard, but as you said she would want you to carry on the best you can and continue to make memories with her brothers. You have never forgotten her for a second and you never will, look at all you have done and continue to do for her..she has a smile on her face when she hears your name!

Reply
Christen
1/20/2015 09:19:14 am

I wish there were more I could do to help this darkness pass from your head and heart. You are much loved, much appreciated, much cherished. The time that you had with your children can never be taken away. Moving on doesn't mean moving away. Accepting your losses doesn't mean you don't grieve. I pray that you will find ways to let the memories comfort you. much love, c

Reply



Leave a Reply.

        Author

    De's Mommy
    Re
    Ann Marie
    Rhiannon Phoenix Mariah Dawn
    President of the Pro Bailers

    All of them are me!

    Blogs I Love!

    Life in Mathews
    Living in the Shadow
    Fosterhood in NYC
    Post Secret
    Hyperbole and a Half
    The Bloggess

    Archives

    January 2022
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    May 2019
    April 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    October 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013
    September 2013
    August 2013
    July 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013

    Categories

    All
    #anger
    #bootcamp
    #deannahug
    #givelivehug
    #grief
    #looneytoons
    #onesaved
    #shame

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.