When we think of anchors we think of them keeping us stuck correct? Which by the way leads me to question all of those tattoos people have of anchors that say "I will not sink", this is one of the most baffling things to me. Come on people the anchor IS SUPPOSED TO SINK! Nothing about an anchor will keep you afloat, but it will keep you in place, maybe the tattoos should read "I will not drift" ... at any rate.
Last Tuesday I posted on Facebook that I believed that was the day that the answer would come, the way to get me back home to the beach. I will admit that at 7 pm when I got the message that my pretty package with an answer was not happening I was crushed. I cried again, as I had for days prior, over the latest set back via Facebook message, I got angry again, I shook my fist at the people who betrayed me and assisted in landing me in a financial situation I didn't expect, a situation that left them all with a roof and a home and me borrowing walls and water. That night I couldn't sleep at all and I began reading a book that my sisper suggested. The Law of Divine Compensation, I don't think I was open to the premise of it. I was too badly battered to opening accept anything else that could be painful. I read it with a closed mind to the meaning and only absorbing the parts that made me question things more... or so I thought.
At some point in the 36 hours after that Facebook message I realized another call had come that day. Unexpected and random, it was not a sure thing, but it was a good solid possibility. That was my first "well huh.. look at that" thought. An answer DID come that day it just was not wrapped the way that I thought it should be. It was pointed out to me that one of the points of the book I had been reading was to be aware of answers that are not packaged as you originally thought.
After that random phone call I mustered up the courage to call the owner, I relayed part of my story and my needs and asked if she would keep me in mind and disconnected feeling a tad hopeful, but shortly after the clouds of doubt returned "What if she didn't chose me, what if she decided against renting, what if someone offered her more money?" All these things started clouding the answer that came, but one of the things that I did notice was I was not as anxious about this home as the ones that I thought were the answer in the last few weeks, I wasn't frantic for an answer nor did I feel the need to stay on top of the situation each second. The house she has abundantly exceeds my expectations of a home for Drake and I. It would allow me to have guests and an office! I was in utter shock that this opportunity was so closely in grasp.
The following day I received an invite from a dear friend who had a gift for me and wanted to have dinner the next day. I accepted the invitation, and on Thursday I got to meet her handsome dog Boss, he seemed to like me and demanded love and attention. After a few hugs and pets my friend got down to business. She handed me two books and quickly let me know that they had helped her through the darkest time of her life. We spent hours talking about life, loss, love, gains.. we covered many many things over the course of the evening but one very special statement stood out. "God would not give me the opportunity just to take it away." Without going into her details, my friend had prayed for "One true path" at a time of uncertainty in her life and the path had been provided, some time later circumstances threatened to take her answer away and she realized one thing. " God did not give me this path to just turn around and take it away!" And he didn't, she remains on that path today and has done very well.
I went home that night and started reading to book, Healing is a Choice. The very first chapter was all about how in order to heal we need to be connected. We need to connect with people who understand where we are and the problems we are going through. Some of the key points I found were:
- God's plan is for us to connect with each other to facilitate healing in our lives.
- To make the first choice of healing is to connect
- You need others and the alienation you experience in your pain blocks them off from you
The following day I received another invite that I really wanted to turn down. I was just slipping back into an old habit of "I don't feel like it" and in truth I didn't. It is rare that I ever do, but again I bit the bullet and went. Connections happened, talks were had, some revelations were made in my own heart... and still the words "God did not give you the answer to take it away". I turned down a chance to connect with other parents who lost children with the excuse that their stories bury me in sadness and pain. Then the words.. "You need to connect. God did not give you an answer to take it away"
Again the next day an invitation, I accepted, spent a wonderful day with friends, lots of laughs and ended up on strange ground and I was informed that on strange ground you make a wish. I did. Again I hear "God did not give you an answer to take it away."
Sunday morning I started reading the next chapter of the book but I am going to save that for another post because this is getting to be book length and I have not even gotten to the anchor yet.
On Sunday's Daddy and I usually watch Joel before heading in our directions for the day. Yesterday's sermon was on Hope. Something I have been in desperate need of. The sermon was on how we needed to anchor ourselves in hope or we would drift around in uncertainty and that is just during normal times, during stormy times we could sink and drown if not anchored in Hope. I found this an incredible choice of words because I have often related my depression and life here in Mathews as drowning and I just needed to get back home. I have not been anchored in Hope, Faith, or Prayer for a very long time. I have been drifting and sinking in sadness, depression, darkness, self hatred for months, who am I kidding, years.
"Anchor yourself in Hope, Get Connected, God will not give you the answer to just take it away"
All of these messages have come flying at me over the last week and they led me to this answer last night when the offer of housing that did not fit at all came up:
"This truly is not the answer for me, I am positive that God is working on it for me. On the day that I knew an answer was coming I got a call, it wasn't the one I thought but a random out of the blue call. I truly believe that God gave me this as an answer. It is not finalized but I believe it will be. Pray for understanding and acceptance by the owner and that God will continue to open all doors to get myself, Drake and Banx home to the OBX. I can not believe that God gave me an answer on a day of many prayers only to strip it away and put up walls of rejection. This truly is a miracle and a blessing. I can be a blessing to the owner and she to us. I believe this is the house of healing and I have even dreamed of a sweet little yellow lab making the story complete. I am remaining anchored in faith, hope and prayer."
So while the solid answer has not come yet and there are a few variables in this, I am positive that it will come. That I will be home at the beach in just a few short weeks. That I will be allowed to reopen myself to the connections that fill me with such love and light there. That the doors to my church will be open to accept me just as broken as I am to help heal me. That my gym and coaches will be there to help me succeed in my journey of this weight loss battle. That my friends will open their arms to hug me and surround me with love and happiness. That opportunities will exist for me to connect with other parents on this same journey.
I am positive and anchored in that "God did not give me the answer to take it away"
~in faith and love