Over the last 3 years I have come to realize that the the anticipation of an anniversary, holiday, birthday is usually much worse than the actual day. Do not get me wrong it doesn't make the day hurt any less but the days leading up to them hurt much much worse.
Yesterday wasn't terrible.
It was filled with love from friends and family, texts, cards, Facebook messages, a wonderful dinner and a few hands of cards and one very special video that was randomly posted by a group of friends that I have managed to alienate over the years but who I adore as much as always. There were no tears at the sight of my De gazing on in confusion at a group of women acting quite silly. Just a smile of remembrance of a good time and how much she loved spending time with us, even when we were acting a fool. I can hear her laugh in my heart.
With each passing day she is missed more and that is a battle I feel I am going to have to fight for the remainder of my life. That leaves me here wondering whats Life even for or about? I don't know. I am not going to pretend to, but what I have to believe is there is a purpose. There is a gift in my life to share. That I will be home soon and some of edge of this hurt will ease enough to explore the what for, the what now, the how can I be a good human.
I think part of the fear of being yet another year older is I am running out of time. At 45 I wonder, will I always be fat? How many more years are left to lose this weight? How much longer will I even be able to run? At 45 I wonder, will I make a difference in the world? Is there time left to be something special? Is there time to be a gift?
My life is consumed completely and totally in getting back to the beach and trying to make it to the end of each day through this sadness. I feel like it is all just slipping by and until I get back on my ground I can't seem to stop it. At night I wonder sometimes, was that the last day? What will they say I accomplished? Will they remember anything I have done? Did I leave a legacy?
My birthday wish... Please don't let it be too late.
Much Love,
Re
Yesterday wasn't terrible.
It was filled with love from friends and family, texts, cards, Facebook messages, a wonderful dinner and a few hands of cards and one very special video that was randomly posted by a group of friends that I have managed to alienate over the years but who I adore as much as always. There were no tears at the sight of my De gazing on in confusion at a group of women acting quite silly. Just a smile of remembrance of a good time and how much she loved spending time with us, even when we were acting a fool. I can hear her laugh in my heart.
With each passing day she is missed more and that is a battle I feel I am going to have to fight for the remainder of my life. That leaves me here wondering whats Life even for or about? I don't know. I am not going to pretend to, but what I have to believe is there is a purpose. There is a gift in my life to share. That I will be home soon and some of edge of this hurt will ease enough to explore the what for, the what now, the how can I be a good human.
I think part of the fear of being yet another year older is I am running out of time. At 45 I wonder, will I always be fat? How many more years are left to lose this weight? How much longer will I even be able to run? At 45 I wonder, will I make a difference in the world? Is there time left to be something special? Is there time to be a gift?
My life is consumed completely and totally in getting back to the beach and trying to make it to the end of each day through this sadness. I feel like it is all just slipping by and until I get back on my ground I can't seem to stop it. At night I wonder sometimes, was that the last day? What will they say I accomplished? Will they remember anything I have done? Did I leave a legacy?
My birthday wish... Please don't let it be too late.
Much Love,
Re
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