The image above is 6 months of data, I was too ashamed to show you the year out, but that high peak on the chart represents over 500 people, the year... some peaks doubled that. In just a few short months I have managed to let over 700 people, myself, and my daughter down all by not sharing my journey as I promised I would. The visual of reader decline is just about an exact replica of my mental and emotional decline. I don't know what happened in September but something started and by October 1 it was like I took my brain and said "LOOK! A black diamond course!!! Let's go!" Neither I, my brain, nor the stranger in it know how to ski by the way. It was a rapid decent into hell.
Having to face all the things that the stranger is taking for me is difficult, this blog hasn't been the only one. My bootcamp. My church. My friends. My healthy. My sleep. My family. My self worth. My happiness. My passion. Let me rephrase that, the stranger he isn't taking anything, they are still there, he is just keeping me from reaching them. It's back to that gelatin wall I told you about yesterday. I SEE all those things.. but when I reach out.. I can't quite get there.
One of the things that hurts so badly about the decline in readers to the blog. I don't know how to get them back. I don't know how to say.. "HEY GUYS!!! I am here! I am still here! I am so sorry!" I post my writings on Deanna's Give Live Hug facebook page but due to the way newsfeeds work now I don't believe many actually see the posts unless they specifically go look. I had seen the decline in the likes and comments on that page but I attributed it to how facebook was working now, now I wonder is it due to my inaction? If I could I would shoot up flares saying letting others know that I am out here on this deserted island trying to reach out.
Last night I had a bizarre dream, a few of them to be exact, but this one stood out this morning. The details are strange but bare with me. I was at my daddy's house and there was a disaster, truck parts EVERYWHERE, half a dead deer laying in the yard, tools scattered all about, and all I wanted to do was leave. I knew the mess wasn't mine, but when I went outside my truck was gone. (keep in mind I had just prior to going in the house been trying to cook bacon in the bed of the truck in a pan of water so I knew my truck was there a minute ago) I knew where my truck was, I knew who had it, and I was PISSED. My cell phone.. in the truck of course.. so I have to go in the house and use the house phone (it happened to be the rotary phone from my childhood that had the 7 foot cord that was always tangled that would just BARELY reach the bathroom if you wanted to talk in private) .. no answer. My daddy comes home and fusses at me about the mess and how I needed to put his tools away like he showed me and why did I let them kill that deer so close to the house (I don't know where the deer even came from) but it was my mess to clean up. I started picking up tools only to realize they had been broken, at this point I just didn't know what to do. My truck pulls in the drive way and out hops the "friend" I knew had the truck. All 300 plus pounds of him. I tossed the tools at him, and went to walk past to get in my truck and leave, but it wasn't going to be so easy. He blocked my way. He told me I wasn't going anywhere, that I was staying right there. I went to dodge around and he knocked me out of the way, my daddy lunged at him, and got his attention and I immediately let loose a wrath of fury. I know I am not the most petite thing but taking on a 300 lb man, I doubt I could actually do that, but I did. I beat until he was a bloody mess and I got up got in my truck and left.
I know you are thinking what in the world is she sharing this for. That is insane. Yes, yes it is, but this could be part of why I am so tired all the time.. this is the mess that plays in my head all night long.. BUT there is another good reason I relayed this story. This is the exact thing I want to do to the stranger. It is almost the story of what the stranger has done in my life. The stranger has come along and created these messes (granted I haven't found any dead deer but I do have plenty of broken tools in my life, church, friends, bootcamp.. ) but the stranger is never going to take responsibility and clean them up. My daddy in the dream could represent all the people out there that are encouraging me, supporting me, and praying that I will get better. They see the mess, they know the tools are broken but all they can do is direct me to pick them up and put them away where they belong. Daddy does step in physically during one part where the "friend" has reached out to physically harm me, distracting the "friend" just long enough that I can get a handle on the situation and beat him down myself. Isn't that the position so many of you are in with me right now? Knocking the stranger away from harming me until I get a handle on beating this thing? And in the end of the dream.. this is what I envision happening.. one day finally being able to beat this stranger down to the point of nothingness and saying "NO YOU ARE DONE.. YOU ARE FINISHED.. LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I am going to have to pick up my own tools and repair them one at a time. I think the first is this blog, my writing, sharing my feelings with the world to see. I hope I get readers to return, if any of you know of ways to spread my words please feel free to let me know.. PS I know how to reply now so be sure to put your email on your comments!
Much love to all two of you that are still reading!