Notice how yesterday's Turn and face the strange photo is used again today? There is good reason for that, because yesterday's post was SUPPOSED to be what today's post is about. It was all planned and in my head and then my fingers hit the keys and it was like the Hover Dam grumbled and all of that I had been marinating on for a week came flooding out! For those of you that worried it was a set back, I am sorry! It really was not, it was just there and had to be worked through. Sure I cried, I needed to cry. I needed to cry for the me who is so scared right now, I needed to cry for the me who has been holed up in my hole of darkness behind that wall for so many years, and lord knows I needed to cry for that little girl that was so misunderstood. Sure I acted out.. have you ever tried to put an feisty cat in a small pet carrier? Similar situation. They end up mad, angry little tornadoes of emotion and bite the hell out of you. that was me. So yes I NEEDED yesterday. it was a hard day, but in order to forgive myself and love myself I need to face why I did the things I did, made the choices that I made and yesterday was a step towards that. So don't worry.. be proud.. it was a hard day and I did not retreat back to hell, I walked through that crap with my head held high and a few tears.
Now on to what I REALLY wanted to talk about. Changes! Why in the world are we sooooo resistant to them? We can not grow as humans without changes. Our spirits do not soar without changes. Our souls do not flourish without changes. Our bodies do not get stronger without changes. Our relationships do not bond without changes. Yet.... we would rather stand there mired in hip deep creek mud than make a change. I am most definitely that way, I fought being here in Mathews so hard because it was a change and one that I had no control over yada yada yada.. when if I had just accepted that "ok this is going to be how things are right now" the last year could have been so much more than it was. (it was not all bad.. don't read that). I know that SOME part of me accepted it because here I was, but not as I should have. Fight Fight Fight.
Going to focus on my weight here for a bit, not unusual, but so much of my self hatred is tied to my size and my weight that it makes for good analogies and helps me work through things, especially when I want to see Biggest Loser or My 600 lb life numbers drop on the scale even if that is so unrealistic. So as you all know I am doing this Keto thing.. like really rocking the hell out of it to be honest. Keto was first presented to me a few years ago, I even watched as my darling earth angel melted away and was winning this battle that so many of us face, I watched as another friend at the beach had tremendous success, I looked on as I saw post after post after post about weight loss on this Keto lifestyle and that is just what I did... watched. I made like one half ass attempt at it never measured things and didn't lose but maybe a pound. (granted it is hard to do Keto when you dumping about 234234234 carbs into your coffee a day) Anyhow my point is I was scared to death to make the change. To really put in the effort. To REALLY try. Because it was a change.
Even after coming to Mathews and gaining so much more weight during my self implosion I was resistant to making the change. I thought about it, but so many excuses popped up to keep me mired in that creek mud (I hate creek mud by the way.. which is why this works here for me). I was so resistant to making a good healthy change for myself that the only changes that happened were really bad ones. So fast forward to 81 days ago.. or are you rewinding... I committed to Keto. Woot changes started happening and you know what, those excuses were so stupid. Stupid!!! I have sailed over all of those perceived obstacles like they were not even there, oh maybe because they really weren't. I resisted the change for at LEAST 2 if not 3 years and you know what... I love this lifestyle so much more than I did the "normal" lifestyle. It is rare I feel bad after eating, my heart burn which was HORRIBLE has disappeared, I still LOVE food but it is good healthy food, and there are SNACKS.. sure they may not all be whole foods so it is a splurge and not an every day thing, but the excitement over finding a new Keto snack is fun! Speaking of which.. where did I put those cookies yesterday!
Then .. this morning happened. I got on the scale like I do every day and I am fighting to lose the same pound again. I was down to a 32 lb loss and really thought I would hit 35 this week, dad even asked me if I was there yet yesterday and I had to report that no sadly I was not. I was so hoping that today would be 33.. nope.. 31. Sigh.. damnit.. what am I doing wrong? I stood there a moment looking in my mirror talking to myself, maybe you need to eat less, have your portions creeped up? (no I eat very specifically and my meal box portions for me) How many of those cookies did you eat yesterday? (not even half of a serving by the way) What are you doing wrong?? It was then I reached for my toothbrush and noticed something out of the corner of my eye, I slowly put my toothbrush back in it's holder and retreated my arm and stood absolutely still for a moment. What was that? Do it again! Make it do it again!!! I reached out for my toothbrush again and as my arm extended away from my body I saw it again! My pecs moved and I COULD VISIBLY SEE IT! I mean I am no Arnold but it did move! I then flexed my arm and low and behold... MUSCLES that you can SEE! It was almost as if my body was saying.. "There's your change you bozo.. there's your change!"
Then I got to thinking some more, I have changed up my workouts since last Friday. adding in those rides, doing more core, been doing different yard work (picture lots of weedeating.. did you know that weedeating as a verb is apparently only a southern thing.. I said it at work the other day and they laughed at me) I started to thinking about how sore I was in places that I was not used to being sore, I got thinking about how puffy I felt yesterday (yes Bekah I got my water in finally) and realized that even my body was resisting the changes that I had made to my work outs and THAT is why the number on the scale is hovering, it's not that my body isn't going to change, it is just resisting the current change, because it is different.
So what does this all mean... one simple thing.
We absolutely must be stronger than the resistance!!! (so very Star Wars sounding) We must force our way through sometimes regardless of the obstacles.. like the little flower that blooms through the sidewalk crack! Fight for the changes that you want to see! Be strong, be beautiful, and most of all enjoy the journey.
Signing off with this, was there something in your life that you really wanted but you let it go because of a resistance? Is it something you can go back and reexamine? Maybe try again?
Peace Love and Light