I thought we had a deal this year. I thought we decided we were not going to slip into the sadness. I thought we decided this time we were going to make it through with none of this darkness business. You betrayed me.
I wish I understood why come November everything goes straight down hill for me. I don't know if it is due to the change in when it gets dark or the holidays, all I know is it is bad. I haven't made it through the fall and winter yet without wishing I just wasn't.
Before you say anything, I know the kids would not want that. I know they don't want me sad, I know they want me to live my life and be happy. If you can come up with a way to make it happy and for me to feel better for the love of everything holy PLEASE LET ME KNOW.
I realize I wish I had never left the beach now, I wish I had slowed down working and spent more time with friends and gone to church. When I walked into church on Sunday I understood that was part of what I was missing! My church family. I don't have that here.
I don't know that the sadness would have stayed at bay if I had stayed there, I just know that it didn't stay at bay here and here I feel no peace at all. I would love to hear... "hey lets go grab a drink, want to meet me at the beach, are you in for a quick run?" Those things always made it just a little bit better, I knew I would smile at some point, that just for a few minutes my mind was not focused solely on how much my heart hurt.
The bottom line here is I have made another huge life altering booboo at the worst possible time. The only thing I know to do is to just suck it up until I can financially figure out how to get back. In the mean time..
Can you please cut me just a tiny bit of slack here? I get it .. you hurt.. you hurt all the time.. please just stop hurting worse.
Much Love to you