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Dear Heart, 

12/15/2015

1 Comment

 
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Dear Heart,
I thought we had a deal this year. I thought we decided we were not going to slip into the sadness. I thought we decided this time we were going to make it through with none of this darkness business. You betrayed me.

I wish I understood why come November everything goes straight down hill for me. I don't know if it is due to the change in when it gets dark or the holidays, all I know is it is bad. I haven't made it through the fall and winter yet without wishing I just wasn't.

Before you say anything, I know the kids would not want that. I know they don't want me sad, I know they want me to live my life and be happy. If you can come up with a way to make it happy and for me to feel better for the love of everything holy PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

I realize I wish I had never left the beach now, I wish I had slowed down working and spent more time with friends and gone to church. When I walked into church on Sunday I understood that was part of what I was missing! My church family. I don't have that here.

I don't know that the sadness would have stayed at bay if I had stayed there, I just know that it didn't stay at bay here and here I feel no peace at all. I would love to hear... "hey lets go grab a drink, want to meet me at the beach, are you in for a quick run?" Those things always made it just a little bit better, I knew I would smile at some point, that just for a few minutes my mind was not focused solely on how much my heart hurt.

The bottom line here is I have made another huge life altering booboo at the worst possible time. The only thing I know to do is to just suck it up until I can financially figure out how to get back. In the mean time..

Dear Heart,

Can you please cut me just a tiny bit of slack here? I get it .. you hurt.. you hurt all the time.. please just stop hurting worse.

Much Love to you
Re


1 Comment
Diane Fischer
12/15/2015 04:57:51 am

I know God uses us mightily in all situations.....storms, victories, valleys, mountain tops, confusion, clarity, friendships, loneliness, and certainly during grief. Right now, this day, in this post, God is using you to speak to me in new ways. To make me stronger in the absence of this pain you feel, yet stronger FOR you during your pain. I don't have the same journey, but I love you and will walk with you in prayer each and every day. God is using you to remind me that no matter what smile we see on anyone's face, there may be a pain within we can't begin to understand yet are called to pray for and to guide toward His grace and mercy. I do not believe things "happen" so we can grow and learn.....God is too loving and merciful for that.....yet we come through tragedy and challenges to find new strength and new ways to bring grace to others. I am praying that in the interim of your time there, until you can make "home" happen, that you are reminded that God is with you no matter where you are because we are all praying for you and with you too! <3

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